Tell me where to go!

… for my next vacation to England, of course.

I’ve only been once so far, and that was to London. (changing planes in Manchester doesn’t count, IMO)

There were so many things we didn’t get to do in London. We were only there for 2 weeks and there are about 6000 years worth of things to do & see in London.

However, I think for our next trip (in a year or so) I’d like to get out of London & see more of non-urban England.

I’m looking for suggestions on where to visit in England, and/or the rest of Great Britain. I won’t be able to put any suggestions to use for a year or more, but I can spend the next year or so reading up on the possibilities and living in a vacation-fantasy-world.

Our trip criteria:

  1. It can’t involve mountain climbing. I am both scared of heights and lazy.

  2. We’re not afraid of getting rained on.

  3. I like outdoorsy nature, but not getting super dirty or sweaty. For example, hiking in the Wiltshire Downs is attractive to me, because it looks not terribly strenuous. Conversely, climbing something like this is out of the question.

  4. We like to spend time in pubs by a fire.

  5. We like quirky local museums.

  6. We dig pre-Roman stuff. (not literally - we won’t be disturbing any archaeological sites)

  7. We don’t mind walking fron town to town with our backpacks, but we don’t want to camp, or walk very many miles in a day.

  8. We don’t like go-go-go vacations.

  9. It will probably be in the fall, so beach towns are probably not the most appropriate suggestion. Though the seaside is nice in the fall.

  10. It will probably be a max of 2 weeks long.

Suggestions?

York and it’s environs may be good for you. York itself is very historical obviously, and you have the North Yorksnhire Moors in easy striking distance.

I’ll sugest the Lake District as probably the most beautiful area of England, and very good (though wet) during Autumn. The old cities of York and Bath are great for history. Wales and Scotland are also worth considering. Are there any British films or TV series that you like the area depicted in them? Just about everywhere will have pubs. Do you like castles?

I looove castles.

And I’m fond of books (fiction & non-fiction) about the Wars of the Roses.

I just saw that York has a Richard III museum - very cool.

Lake District - super idea. It looks so lovely there.

Let me think over the British films & TV series question.

Wales - good idea. Some of my family came from Wales long ago.
When we were in Ireland we took a day trip to Glendalough - that kind of countryside I love.
I like slightly gloomy days, too, so rainy in the Fall is perfect.

Right now I’m enjoying googling for York & Lake District info.

I know in many parts of England you can find local buses that go many places.
How accessible is the countryside Scotland without a car?

We spent a couple days in Ludlow on our trip a year and a half ago; it’s got a cool castle, some nice churches and a fair number of shops.

Given your preferences, you might also want to consider Scotland. Edinburgh was a fair amount of fun for a big city. My parents advised us not to commit to going on a driving tour around Scotland (as in, all along the coastline) because it starts to look the same after a while, and you want to avoid that…

The Lake District

Tintern Abbey

Hearty second on the Lake District; in summer it’s hella crowded but in Fall it empties out pretty quick.

I would say:
Use London as a base, hire a car, and go from there.

Salisbury Plain is great (Stonehenge, etc…)
Oxford
Bath
New Forest
Isle of Wight (also known as The Jurassic Isle)

Further north you have Stirling and Hadrian’s Wall.

But right here in Oxfordshire you have the White Horse of Uffington…

Some very cool things, but sometimes you have to look and they’re mostly off the beaten path.

Castles… there are many in UK some I know quite well

Windsor Castle, where the Queen spends her weekends. Can be crowded with tourists, has a great collection of art/furniture and armour/weapons including Henry VIII’s armour. Is beautiful to look at but isn’t all open to public.

Dover Castle, this is the largest castle in UK, but is mostly defensive walls without much of a Keep. Has a great set of underground work used as a naval/watching base during WWII and earlier.

Leeds Castle (note nowhere near the city of Leeds) this is a very beautiful castle with lots of grounds and famous black swans. It is not a militarily constructed castle (having many normal windows) and was more for protection from insurrection than from invading armies. Again has a great collection of art/furniture.

Edinburugh Castle, another great castle, with an army presence, so you get to see canons being shot, and guys in skirts (kilts :wink: ) playing dead octopuses (bagpipes).

Stirling Castle (and the nearby William Wallace memorial tower) a smaller but still grand castle, the tower holds all sorts of William Wallace stuff including his two handed sword and human skin scabbard.

Tintagel Castle in Cornwall (or Devon?) is an atmospheric ruin, but is mentioned in Le Morte D’Arthur if that interests you.

Wales has great castles, non I can name off hand, and has steam railways and the site used in the TV show ‘The Prisoner’ worth seeing.

Many others worth mentioning that I haven’t visited or have forgotten the names of …

Thanks to everyone for the great suggestions, I will be doing lots of research!

We’d love to get off the beaten path, but that may be impossible, as neither of us is willing to drive the rental car on the left side of the road. Very Scary!

I’ll third/fourth the Lake District suggestion. I’m going there for a week myself at the end of the month. By the way, your scary mountain pic is of Striding Edge on Helvellyn in the Lakes. A beautiful walk, but I guess not for you.

The West Country (i.e. Devon and Cornwall, plus Somerset, Dorset and Wiltshire at a stretch) is very beautiful. There are some lovely beaches and cliff scenery, which you don’t have to walk far to appreciate. Some of my favourite bits are around Woolacombe in north Devon - this page has some pics. Nice pubs round here, too.

I strongly recommend that you hire a car. Seriously it takes no time at all to get used to driving on the opposite side of the road.

I suggest you take me with you.

I speak the language well enough to get by in most places so I’ll be helpful that way.

Advice for Tourists

Hello, and welcome to England, You’ll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.
Arrival

For preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the “shin” is the shorter form of “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.

**Meet The Locals **

The English always remember how America saved them from Hitler. Take every opportunity to remind them. You will be surprised at the enourmous variety of ways we wil find to show our gratitude.
** BritSpeak **

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money, and jewels, are referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.”

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

Ever since their government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
** Sightseeing **

The British Library Reading Room is well worth a visit. While there, don’t forget to try the world famous echo.

You should definitely see the Tower Of London and the Crown Jewels. If you ask the guards, or beefeaters as they are known, they may even let you hold them. Remember to ask if you may touch their goolies.

The British Museum has many treasures, notably the Egyptian Room holding the treasure of Tutankhamen. If you visit the Greek Room on Wednesday or Friday afternoon, you may join the guards for a game of Elgin Marbles.
Cuisine

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).

Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

** Transportation **

-Taxis - This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted.

London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you don’t, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.

  • Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.

  • Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.

  • Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.

  • Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.

-If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.

Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling, as you board the train. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

Hiring a car? Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.

** The Police**

Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as:

“Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet?” or “Is that a truncheon you’ve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”.

Don’t call them “Bobby” though; try “sweetie”, “ducky”, or “woodentop” instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction.

Don’t forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.

Public Lavatories

-Also look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; don’t be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.
**Street Traders **

use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, don’t be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: “I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard”.
Hope this helps

(Or you might go to the Isle Of Wight instead.)

I’ll email you before we go to find out what part of Hampshire you live in, to avoid having you be one of the people we kill.

Thanks. I’ve printed & laminated this advice and will consult it often while I am travelling in sunny England.

Oh wait - I need not laminate it, since it never rains there, right?