Advice for Tourists
Hello, and welcome to England, You’ll find England a warm sunny country, with welcoming people, and good food which is much cheaper than you might expect. London in particular is not highly-priced like most capital cities.
Arrival
For preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the “shin” is the shorter form of “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
**Meet The Locals **
The English always remember how America saved them from Hitler. Take every opportunity to remind them. You will be surprised at the enourmous variety of ways we wil find to show our gratitude.
** BritSpeak **
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money, and jewels, are referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.”
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
Ever since their government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.
** Sightseeing **
The British Library Reading Room is well worth a visit. While there, don’t forget to try the world famous echo.
You should definitely see the Tower Of London and the Crown Jewels. If you ask the guards, or beefeaters as they are known, they may even let you hold them. Remember to ask if you may touch their goolies.
The British Museum has many treasures, notably the Egyptian Room holding the treasure of Tutankhamen. If you visit the Greek Room on Wednesday or Friday afternoon, you may join the guards for a game of Elgin Marbles.
Cuisine
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway.
When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
** Transportation **
-Taxis - This is the cheapest form of transport in London. Use them on the journey to and from Heathrow. Under no circumstances give a tip: the driver will feel insulted.
London taxi drivers, unlike those in say, New York, are renowned for their liberal open-minded attitudes. Even if you don’t, pretend to have left-wing, liberal opinions; you will win their sympathy and friendship.
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Ask them to take you to the grave of Karl Marx in Highgate Cemetary.
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Tell them you have come over for a conference about single lesbian parents on welfare; imply that you yourself are gay; if you are black, you get extra points.
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Tell them how you used to demonstrate against the Vietnam War, capital punishment, and more recently, the Gulf War.
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Light up a joint in the cab and offer them a puff.
-If travelling in a large party, get all your friends to pile their luggage into the one taxi; get your driver to take all the luggage up to your hotel-again, a tip must NOT be offered, but a homely piece of proverbial advice from your native land is always welcomed. Suggest to him that the Royal Family should be abolished.
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling, as you board the train. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
Hiring a car? Look out for the special double-yellow tourist-only parking lines in the streets. You may park here for as long as you like for free. Foreign tourists are exempt from parking-meter and car-park charges.
** The Police**
Like taxi-drivers, these too are renowned for their helpfulness, open-mindedness, and liberal views. Feel free to ask them directions or the time of day; they enjoy such traditional japes as:
“Does your head go all the way to the top of your helmet?” or “Is that a truncheon you’ve got in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”.
Don’t call them “Bobby” though; try “sweetie”, “ducky”, or “woodentop” instead; You will be surprised at their warm reaction.
Don’t forget that you can always make free phone calls back home via their personal radio; just ask.
Public Lavatories
-Also look out for the special toilets on the corners of many streets; don’t be inhibited by the glass doors; use them freely. They are automatically flushed, cleaned and disinfected after you leave.
**Street Traders **
use them wherever you have the opportunity; they are honest and helpful, especially if you are not used to the currency. The majority will accept most foreign currencies anyway; alternatively, don’t be afraid to offer them credit cards. They will expect you to haggle over prices though, and exchange jokes, such as: “I think you gave me the wrong change you cockney bastard”.
Hope this helps