Tell us about times kids have been misled or lied to for their own good...

[TBG]

@Anaamika

Of course there was the big lie, not telling me that I was adopted (by the sister, so it was hard to tell.) Still, there were clues. Now maybe they were planning to wait until I was 18 or 20, but when it came out when I was 14, it was incredibly tramautic for the whole family and drove a wedge in us that we never healed from.

I’m glad my parents never lied to me about that or kept it secret. You know it will come out eventually, so just tell from the start and then it’s literally a non issue for the most part. Granted, your case sounds slightly more complicated with the “by the sister” thing you mention, so I don’t mean to sound like I judge your family for not telling you. I’m just hella glad I’ve always known and never had to deal with an earth shattering revelation.

[nearwildheaven]

@Zorkmid

Out of curiosity what lie did you come up with?

I told my son that they were special action figures kids weren’t allowed to play with because they broke too easily. My husband said fancy cars. He’s 17 now so I’m sure he knows the truth by now, but I’m sure he had a good laugh at our expense when he found out.

At about that age, my friend’s daughter asked her what Hooters was, and Mom replied that it was a restaurant.

Hey, she wasn’t lying!

Someone on another website said that her son, also around that age, asked her what abortion was. She was criticized for telling him that it was a grown-up thing, but I, and several other people, replied that no matter what her opinion may have been on that subject or how she planned to explain it to her children, a child that age wouldn’t have the life experience to understand something like that.

[nearwildheaven]

@PeskiPiksi

Oh, I do that, too! That opening scene is just too scary/sad for my four and six year-olds.

I also hide/deceive my kids about how I feel about their father (or at least I try really hard to.) We’ve been separated a little over two years (divorce final any day now, hopefully…) and I have never once let a negative word about him pass my lips within their hearing. There are days I hate him with the heat of a thousand suns, but those are the days when I deliberately try to say something nice about him.

Of course, that’s probably screwing them up in some other way I’m not aware of. Is there any way to NOT emotionally damage your kids at some point, in some way?

Not something I have personal experience with, but what you’re doing is not lying. It’s the right thing to do.

Do they have a good relationship with him? That’s what’s most important.

[astorian]

@TBG

I’m glad my parents never lied to me about that or kept it secret. You know it will come out eventually, so just tell from the start and then it’s literally a non issue for the most part. Granted, your case sounds slightly more complicated with the “by the sister” thing you mention, so I don’t mean to sound like I judge your family for not telling you. I’m just hella glad I’ve always known and never had to deal with an earth shattering revelation.

My 11 year old son has always known he’s adopted, but never seemed to care until the past few months. Since then, he’s started asking more questions, and I’ve answered all of them as directly and truthfully as possible.

His birth mother has never had any direct contact with us, but we’ve sent her pictures of our son from time to time over the years. He wants to send a note to her the next time we do, and I think that’s fine.

Strangely enough, this is one area where my wife (who is USUALLY the liberal, “Talk openly about anything”) type of parent is far more reluctant to share the truth with our son than I am.

[Dr.Woo]

My husband was adopted and his parents lied about it. Not just didn’t tell him, but flat out told him he was their natural child. Of course, the extended family, including cousins the same age as my husband, knew all about it. Not surprisingly, the cousins eventually let the cat out of the bag when my husband was 11 years old. He confronted his parents and was lied to yet again. He waited until they went out one evening and then searched and found the records of his adoption.

I believe this caused HUGE issues for my husband. How the hell can you trust people who lie about really important things? He’s been estranged from his adoptive parents for over 20 years and I think I know why.

[Antinor01]

@PeskiPiksi

Oh, I do that, too! That opening scene is just too scary/sad for my four and six year-olds.

I also hide/deceive my kids about how I feel about their father (or at least I try really hard to.) We’ve been separated a little over two years (divorce final any day now, hopefully…) and I have never once let a negative word about him pass my lips within their hearing. There are days I hate him with the heat of a thousand suns, but those are the days when I deliberately try to say something nice about him.

Of course, that’s probably screwing them up in some other way I’m not aware of. Is there any way to NOT emotionally damage your kids at some point, in some way?

My mom did the same regarding her relationship with her mother in law. Her philosophy was to let us have our own relationship and that we would sort out our own feelings about her. I’d say it worked out well. We each had the chance to realize on our own that our grandmother could be a complete bitch.

[Iggy]

My parents lied (by omission) to me about the abusive nature of my maternal grandfather. Never said a bad word about him until well after he died.

And when he died… my parents lied more directly. He did not have a heart attack. He committed suicide.

He lived half the country away from me, but I did not understand why we never went to visit. And the few times he came to visit we never got to spend time with him.