I was born in Boynton Beach. There are 12 letters in 2 words. 12/2 = 6 That’s one 6
I weighed 5 pounds 10 ounces… 6 ounces shy of 6 pounds. That’s two more 6s.
My parents were married on June 6, 1956. 6,6,6…
I was born with spina bifida. I just found out (in the Spanish movie The Devil’s Backbone) that old superstition said that babies born with spina bifida were touched by satan, and the fact that they usually died soon after birth was was a result of them being cursed and damned. The fact that I not only survived, but suffered no long term ill effects means of course that I was not cursed, but empowered by satan’s touch. Obviously I am his chosen.
My evidence is much simpler.
Everything has simply gone to hell since I’ve been born.
I was born in 1961, the only year of the 20th century that remains the same when rotated 180 degrees. This is clearly at odds with sense and nature, and portends my destiny: to ‘overturn’ society and normal moral codes.
My birth date is 11, the only palindromic prime number that can occur in a month (excepting the trivial case of singe digit numbers). What’s more, the fact that the only digit involved is ‘1’ asserts my primacy among mortals. For further proof, my given name starts with the letter ‘I’ which is often represented in a manner identical to ‘1’ and is the same as the first person singular pronoun, once again re-enforcing my primacy since birth.
My supra-human abilities to tell fortunes, foretell the future (gift of prophecy), bend metal with my mind and read minds have all been documented by the mass media and independently assesses and verified. On ABC’s ‘Prime Time’ show I proved under test conditions that I can communicate with the dead.
STR, my faithful servant of darkness, take your place at my right hand. Our time is come, and our rightful dominion over all mortal souls, all kingdoms and territories, must be asserted. Just as soon as I’ve made a cup of tea and played ‘Speedy bubbles’ a few more times.
Well, my mother was a jackel and my father always carries around a pitchfork. I had a difficult childhood with people chopped in half in unusual ways. (I sometimes wonder what the usual ways of chopping people in half are)
When I walk, I leave burning footprints. You should see my carpet cleaning bills!
I was born on the sixth day of the twelfth month. 12=6+6, 666. But that is only the beginning. I was born not in a hospital, but in a burnt out, desecrated cathedral, by the light of a full moon. My mother died giving birth then burst into flame. I know that this is all true, for I can remember it. There were also the… strange things throughout my life.
I never understood why other children used nightlights, for I could always see… I don’t want to say just as well as in daylight, for there were differences, and I could certainly tell when darkness fell. Let us just say that darkness never made my vision suffer. Likewise, many children fear the monster under the bed or in the closet. In my case there was actually an unearthly beast within the closet, but I had no need to fear it , for it was under my command, and feasted on the flesh and blood of those who wronged me.
As a teenager, I began to become more accustomed to my powers, and more proficient in using them. I found that I could snap a mans neck simply by looking at him. I could conjure forth flame ex nihilo. I could cloak my movements in shadow, or bring darkness over the eyes of mortals. I began to see my the minions of my father who hide among us, seeing their true forms (yes, cats *are *creatures of evil), and they knew me.
As an adult I have been keeping myself hidden from those who would seek to stop the Darkness. I have been waiting for the day when the stars come into alignment, when I shall ascend and take control of the mortal world, ruling it on behalf my Dark Father. I can feel that the day is near.
It’s not me, it’s my son. We realized it one day while watching the movie Little Shop of Horrors and hearing the prophetic words:
On the twenty-third day of the month of September
in an early year of a decade not too long before our own,
the human race suddenly encountered a deadly
threat to its very existence.
And this terrifying enemy surfaced,
as such enemies often do,
in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places.
Though I guess it actually just makes him a carnivorous alien plant.
1961 is my birth year as well. The date is 07:26. When you look up Revelation Chapter 7, Verse 26, you find that there is no verse 26, obviously because the information contained therein is too terrible for people to behold. There is also no mention of the word ‘Anti-Christ’ anywhere in the Bible. Coincidence?
Also I really like hot peppers. And devil’s food cake. And deviled eggs.
:: crosses through Arglefraster’s name ::
Silly mortal. If you were the chosen, you’d know “he” is not the appropriate pronoun for the Lord of the Flies.
I’ve been to Bethlehem, and I distinctly remember slouching.
In the first place, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania does not count.
In the second place, if I recall aright you were slouching because we were on cross-country road trip and your backpack was overloaded and you were only walking because you got nervous just because I let picked up those four chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers. As I told you then, you were just being silly, as I had taken the precaution of picking up a hitchhiking Chuck Norris* earlier and he was in the back sleep. I mean, seriously, you think Chuck can’t take care of four guys with chainsaws?
In the third place, if you had stayed in the van like I told you to, you would not only have seen seen Chuck roundhouse kick the chainsaw guys into oblivion, but you would have also gotten to Bethlehem earlier.**
In the fourth place, are you dead? No? Then obviously you are not the Anti-Christ. You don’t think Chuck would have roundhouse kicked all the way to Tartarus if he thought you were the AntiChrist? You don’t think he would KNOWN?*** Pshaw.
*Okay, it’s less that I took the precaution of picking up Mr. Norris than that I stopped when he instructed me to. I mean, it was CHUCK freaking NORRIS. Of COURSE I stopped. And I didn’t ask him why he was hitchhiking, as one does not address Mr. Norris without permission.
**The engine began to sputter, but then Chuck told it to stop. Naturally it apologized and did as it was told. That’s what “Chuck told it to stop” means.
*** Of course he would have known. That is what being Chuck Norris means.
My mother told me that when I was first presented to her by the nurse, my mother cried out “Eek! What is it!”
It wasn’t Bethlehem PA. I can tell the difference. For one, Bethlehem PA doesn’t have a kasba.
Actually, I doubt I’m the antichrist… although I was born in Jerusalem, my father is an employee of the U.S. State Department, a Freemason and a former member of Skull n’Bones, and my mother is from South Jersey - so who knows?
She’s on husband number five,
Two dead, and two in a mental ward.
She’s a looker, land sakes alive, but her mood swings will drive a man outta his gourd.
–from *Dora’s Dark Side *by Antsy McClain
According to my parents, as soon as my head cleared the birth canal, I began screaming bloody murder.
The doctor didn’t know yet if I were male or female-but he DID know he wouldn’t have to slap me to get me breathing.
My last phone number:
xxx-666-xxxx
My current phone number
xxx-xxx-x666
Phone number for my weekly team meeting:
866-6xx-xxxx
Did I mention I was born on Devils Night?
[Alex Trebek]
I’m sorry. We’re going to need you to phrase your answer in the form of a Chuck Norris joke.*
[/Alex Trebek]
*Batman or Jack Bauer jokes are also acceptable.
How does that work?
I was supposed to be born on Halloween, but I chose to arrive early. 
When growing up, my phone number was xxx-668-xxxx.
My stepbrother’s phone number was xxx-666-xxxx.
I was the Neighbour of the Beast. (One of many, actually.)
All those X’s are ominous.
:: backs away ::