Yesterday morning I was using my palantir to try to figure out the winning Powerball numbers* when, to my shock, I discovered that Among Us is He or She
Whose Very Existence Portends the Coming of the Anti-Christ and the Destruction of All That Is, Was, and Shall Ever Be.
Naturally I was shocked. So shocked that I lost control of the image in the globe. By the time I regained mastery of myself, I was no longer able to acquire information on HoSWVEPtCofACatDoATIWaSEB and could only get PBS**. Which is a shame, because I happen to possess VITAL information necessary for the planned annihilation of the cosmos to go as planned. I feel obliged to pass on that information, but first I’ll need to know whose ear to whisper it into.
Tell me why you’re the HoSWVEPtCofACatDoATIWaSEB.
*Okay, so I was actually peeking at Robin Meade in the shower.
**And by “PBS” I mean “Natalie Portman in the bath.”
Well, three nurses in the delivery room dropped dead from explosive decompression of their cranial arteries, and the doctor developed a fatal case of aphasia.
Of course, no one suspected that I was responsible. Foolish, foolish people.
Yes! Of course–and 9 is 3 3s, which are in 6, too.
My eyes are also blue. <cue Twilight Music>
But I thought the secret of the universe was that there were 7 levels.*
*as postulated by… Paul McCartney, whom we all KNOW is actually the ONLY Beatle is is dead. He was dead before Abby Road came out–see album cover for verification etc.
According to my aunt, she knew my birth was a bad sign, because it was the same day she got her finger stuck in the electric fan.
Also, I was born with a malfunctioning tear duct, which caused one eye to water constantly. But instead of seeing it as a minor birth defect, (as my parents did), my aunts saw it as a “sign” that I would always bring sadness.
You know what really brings sadness? Having your relatives stop short of crossing themselves and dowsing you with holy water everytime they see you.
I was born in a cross fire hurricane,
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain
I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag,
I was schooled with a strap right across my back,
I was drowned, I was washed up and left for dead.
I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.
I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread.
I was crowned with a spike right thru my head.
My parents were married on Halloween. I, their first child, was born on a Friday the 13th. There are 13 letters in my full name. My last name begins with M, the 13th letter of the alphabet. Also, my order number last week at Burger King was 13.
Nothing on the day I was born itself (though I’ve been told there was a minor earthquake in the area either that day or the day after), but there was a total lunar eclipse on my 18th birthday, and there will be further ones on my 37th and 56th birthdays, which of course signify my rise to power and the destruction of all that you hold dear (twice over if I don’t like you), respectively.
