To put it simply, my vagina is not a toy dispenser and anyone expects it to be one can fuck off.
It’s monstrous to bring a child into this world as a plaything for others. I mean, that is some seriously fucked up shit. It’s a person not a baby doll.
It’s taken me a while to be able to respond to this. I’ve struggled with a similar situation. I had 2 stillborns in the 6th month. It was a long time ago, but the heartache never goes away. One thing that has helped is that I’ve found a way to be thankful for the pieces of motherhood that I DID get to experience; telling my hubby and family the exciting news, dreaming of my child’s future, decorating a nursery, feeling a baby’s kick, experiencing morning sickness (though really awful!), labor pains, and even lactation. Some women never even conceive! So at least I have that. I have a rare medical condition that was not diagnosed until after I list the 2nd baby. For a while I was obsessed with my doc appointments and labwork. I went into a deep depression. We met with an adoption lawyer. But it was too soon. I left there with too much anger and still feeling such the victim that I couldn’t yet deal with the thought of having to pay so much money for what others have so easily. My mother offered to be a surrogate. I couldn’t risk her health or the baby’s, and couldn’t take losing again. We decided to just not decide yet. One year blended into another. I dove into my career and mastered one hobby after another. Now, 20 years later, I so regret not adopting. Now we’re too old. I’m an only child so my parents will not have grandchildren. There aren’t children in our family. So we will live our lives literally childless.
I’m not telling you all this for sympathy. I just remember wishing that someone could have said to me, “I know what you’re feeling”, and they really did. So, I truly do know how heartbreaking it is, and what heavy decisions you’re making. I can’t advise what to do. But can only relate to you what it’s been like for me.
If I could go back in time I would have tried harder to get over the loss and concentrate on the future. I wish I hadn’t given up until it was too late. Life hasn’t been better without children. I wish I had someone else to love and be loved by me. For everything said here about the burdens of children, those people have their hearts filled with the love of the little people that they’re nurturing, which is a million times more valuable than any vacation or hobby.
We did travel some. We have lots of stuff we don’t need. We can have sex anywhere in the house at anytime of day, though we don’t. We can hang out in our undies for a whole weekend. Listen to our station in the car. Watch anything on TV. Curse as desired. Get drunk if desired. Master video games like a 15 year old. Eat all meals just when the mood strikes us and serve it in our laps in front of the TV. We can go a whole day without talking to anyone. It’s not unlike college roommates.
I would rather have had my 2 girls. For better or worse.
I have a 15 month old. This is also my life (except our daycare is 1300.00 a month). Ethan is still up 1-2 times every night, I’ve only slept more than 6 hours in a row a handful of times since he arrived. Errands are so much more difficult. Just going to the grocery store and getting gas. Everything is much much more difficult and costly.
New parenthood is extremely isolated and lonely. We have little to no contact with any of our former very good friends.
I’m sorry, EmAnJ. I don’t want children, and I often wish I could trade my uterus for someone’s non-functioning one. It’s not fair that we can’t.
On a slightly lighter note (I hope) since you asked what’s nice about not having kids: there’s a certain painful ear-splitting screech that all children under the age of about five years old or so are capable of making that you will never have blasted directly into your ear three inches from your now-throbbing eardrum.
Being childless can be equally lonely. We have little in common with couples our age. There’s nothing to talk about. Nor do I care to hear about how proud they are of their child’s milestones and accomplishments. It only makes me feel sorry for myself which is not fair to them.
I left out a benefit… We can sleep whenever we want, wherever we want, for as long as we want, which ends up being far too much. Benefit? Maybe. Maybe not. The time just seems to fly by uneventfully.
I do worry about what happens when we are old, but I worry about that for everyone, not just those of us without children.
I left a great job to go back to school so that I could try to help fix the system that causes so much worry.
I don’t think I could have done that if I had kids. Other people maybe could, but I don’t think so for me.
So, my “selfish” choice not to have children enables me to try to help everyone. I think that’s an excellent trade off.
Wife and I (married 20+ years) no children. Never felt like the right time financially early in the marriage. We quit birth control in 2002’ish. Had a physical in 2005. Doc told me I had rather large Varicocele (look it up). I had that fixed a few months later. Sperm count never got back to normal.
We enjoy our lives. I don’t think either of us were attached to having kids, if it happened that was great, but it wasn’t catastrophic if it didn’t. Lots of freedom, lots of extra money to spend. The only downside that I’m worried about is when we get very old, but having a kid doesn’t guarantee any help like that anyway.
It’s a quiet life and that’s the way we enjoy it. We are on the road, travelling, exploring, most every weekend once the weather gets nice. I have never looked in the mirror and said “I wish we had kids”. I hear all these people at work with all this drama and I’m so happy that ain’t me.
I did not see your post before mine. “I’m sorry for your loss” sounds so trite, but your post made me tear up.
If you need to grieve, EmAnJ, that’s okay. Let yourself grieve. Do not feel guilty. Infertility, especially of the kind that’s unwanted and unexpected, can often be a terrible hurt. Do not let anyone tell you that you have no right to feel hurt emotionally because of it. I only hope that you find peace in whatever happens.
Oops. Sorry! I forgot that my experience is not universal!
You see - not having kids means never having to come into a thread on infertility, say something insensitive due to cultural programming, and having to say you’re sorry. 
But seriously, think about it - so many times you see parents do this, rant about the very real downsides to having kids yet feeling compelled to say “But it’s worth it!” no matter how horrific the story. That should tell you something. It should tell you that, even if there are great things about having kids there are some really suck things about having kids, to the point that parents are compelled to paper them over because once you’re a parent you’re a parent forever.
^ This. In the old days when families were larger it was very common for kids to wind up living with a relative other than their parents for a time. Beyond just nieces and nephews, I’ve been “honorary aunt” for quite a few children of friends. The notion of a nuclear family is a new one, historically kids have interacted with other adults in the community, both to give the parents a break from time to time and because it’s another way to enjoy kids, without them needing to be your own biokids.
There have also been instances where friends or relatives had a crisis and my being able to say “I can watch the kid(s) while you take care of that” without needing to consult a schedule or balance it with kids of my own has been a life-saver for the parents. It’s a way a childless adult can contribute to child-raising. It’s a role that’s been observed in all human societies, even the most primitive. It’s not a second-rate role or compensation, it’s a vital part of how communities have raised the next generation since forever.
^ This.
I have a sister with two boys who might never be able to be independent adults ever again. She not only has to worry about her old age, she has to worry about who will care for them when she’s gone (their father is 20 years older than she is, most likely he’ll go first so she can’t look to him)
My sister’s death was the most painful experience of my life, but my pain paled in comparison to what my parents went through in burying a child. I will never have to experience that particular slice of hell. If I’ve missed some of the positives of having kids (and not too many of those, as I’ve had children in my life even if not every day) I have also skipped some of the horrific negatives as well.
You’re welcome.
I hope you come to a place where you will have a very happy rest of your life, whether that includes children or not.
Nope, I don’t worry about it too much. I know too many people whose kids have nothing to do with them. As I said, I have a sister with two kids who are not able to care for themselves, much less her. People sometimes per-decease their children. “Have kids” is not a sure-fire retirement plan.
Nope, but then, I have nephews and nieces. If my sisters had not had children I might have made different decisions, or maybe not.
Yep - and I don’t have kids, remember? I remember when I was a kid and we had SIX people chain-vomiting and only one bathroom. 2 adults and 4 kids all under 12. Buckets were deployed, trash cans, a large soup pot, at some point there were soggy newspapers on the floor and… well, it was a nightmare. A horrific nightmare. Let me just add that vomiting children should NOT be put in the top bunk of bunk beds, but if you do, the bottom bunk needs shower curtains.
Yep, happy to skip THAT!
Although we (sort of) laugh about it now.
Yes, you could - I took care of one of my nephews for a few days when he was four months old. Ick. Not my favorite baby/toddler trick.
My niece - poor kid had allergies from hell. Although she usually hit your sleeves instead of your pants.
Actually, I like babysitting for babies up until they start walking (actually, after that, too). People assume that because I never gave birth I can’t change a diaper or burp a baby but that’s just not true.
The thing is, as someone without your own biokids you can STILL enjoy babies and toddlers if that’s important to you. Or not. Or go back and forth during different parts of your life.
Beautifully told. Reminds me of the night I heard my daughter moving around and went to see why she was out of bed. She was standing at the top of the stairs looking sad and I called up to her “Baby, what’s wrong?”. She opened her mouth to reply, and vomited down the staircase. As I contemplated the cleanup of those carpeted, vomited-upon steps, she burst into tears and said " That happened in my room too.". I describe that moment as my “I need an adult” moment.
I ended up sleeping in the spare room with her so I could help her get to the bucket to throw up throughout the night, but at one point she vomited down my back without warning. I threw a towel over the sheet and went back to sleep. I don’t think I even changed my shirt.
My other half had been the first to come down with it, my daughter second. It hit my son as a bowel upset the next day, so there was something else incredibly nasty to clean off the carpet, but after that I was just waiting… waiting… waiting for the axe to fall. After being elbow deep in cleaning up after them, I didn’t believe I’d escape my turn with the dreaded bug, but it never came. I just spent days and days wondering when my turn would be.
Gruesome stomach bug horror stories aside, I think the freedom to travel would be the real advantage in a child free life. When my ex and I thought that was going to be our future, that was the direction I saw our lives taking. The freedom to travel, and the freedom to do so whenever you please without timing it to suit school holidays (or paying school holiday rates) would be excellent. You also can be the fun and generous Auntie to the children of siblings or friends so your life still has the laughter of children in it, and you will have more opportunity to develop those relationships.
There are almost limitless opportunities to be around babies and kids, if that’s what you want - a baby-snuggler at a local hospital, fostering kids, relatives, babysitting, being a Big Brother/Big Sister - they’re not your own kids, but they’re still kids who need an adult.
And to illustrate how warped parenthood is - after that if you don’t get your five days in bed with a bucket - you can feel cheated. I mean, I spent a week cleaning up everyone else’s puke while they laid in bed, brought them popsicles and Sprite, did endless loads of laundry - I should at least get a day or two of lying in bed puking when I’m not sleeping while someone ELSE cleans up! It isn’t FAIR!
And you think these people will be comfortable with someone who has no children and no experience with children taking care of their children? I’ve never tried because I figured people would be scared I was a baby snatcher or something. It happens!
I’m sometimes more scared that other parents will judge my parenting choices. I really don’t want a smug breast feeder noticing that I have a used breast pump or that we have snacks that aren’t organic or that I don’t have my kids in seventeen after school programs. Non-parents tend to be laid back and calmer in my experience. My primary criteria for caregivers is vaccinated, over sixteen and loves cats.
Places are always looking for volunteers. The small risk of kidnapping is offset by the huge benefit that comes with having an extra pair of hands.
I’m assuming that the volunteer programmes at the hospitals are full of people who have been thoroughly vetted (like any other programme with people volunteering with kids). I’m pretty sure they don’t allow people to walk in off the street and start cuddling the babies. 
That’s like saying men can’t be parents because they don’t give birth, or can’t give a baby a bottle because they can’t lactate.
As I’ve noted - I have no biokids but I do, in fact, have experience taking care of infants and older, right down to diapers and puke and playing peekaboo.
Volunteer at a hospital or daycare center or some place, assuming you can pass a background check. Where volunteers are needed all are welcome, whether they have biokids or not.
Why do we have so many assisted living residences? over a hundred years ago, children were an investment, they were expected to take care of you in your waning years. Back when there were no retirement homes and very few lived to age 50.
In Japan and Germany, the rate of childless women is rapidly increasing, and in Japan there are assisted living elder homes devoted to the childfree
I don’t have any children nor have desire to, but I wanted to check how I really feel for my coworkers who do. We have mandatory overtime and the thought that it has taken time of parents away from their families. The one leading in mandatory and voluntary overtime is a father of two youngins where the household has tolerated it cuz he brings home the bacon. I thought if I had children, I would hate the idea of having to work out of money and not by “choice”