As some of you might remember, my husband and I have been trying for a number of years to have children. We’ve done a number of fertility treatments with no success, and I’ve had multiple miscarriages. We were on the road to an FET with our only two frozen embryos this spring/early summer after a lengthy delay in any treatment because I was finishing off my Masters.
Being careful about my health in general, I went in for a PAP a month or so ago. The results were abnormal and they referred me for a colposcopy. I knew that this in itself was going to delay things, but I had assumed the delay would be a few months. It turns out that it will be upwards of a year, possibly two, before we get this all taken care of. So, further delay.
I know this is not insurmountable, but after 13 years, I just can’t do this anymore. I need to let go and let what will be, be. Perhaps we’ll do the FET once all this is taken care of, but for my health, I just can’t continue to look forward with the hope that things will work out. This stress and heartbreak will destroy me if I keep going like this.
So, in an effort to see the light at the end of this depression and sadness I am feeling right now, I am looking for some positivity. Those of you who did not have children - what do you see as the benefits of not having children? Those of you that did not have children because of fertility issues or other circumstances, do you have an advice for coping?
You will be wealthier, by far. I have read studies that say non-parents are happier than parents for the first couple of decades, though parents tend to be happier in the long run. You will get to travel more and I believe I also saw a study that claimed non-parents had better health.
Consider adopting at some point. As a former adoptee, I am so grateful to my adoption parents for giving me the love and opportunities that I would have never been able to access without them.
Wow. I think the perspective is probably different for people who really WANT kids and can’t have them and people who are child free by choice, but here’s how my life ended up compared to some friends that have kids.
I personally really enjoy being able to focus just on myself and my boyfriend- we don’t have the extra stress (financially or emotionally) of caring for other humans. I’ve been able to make daring life choices that I probably would not have made if I had children to consider- I moved to Key Largo, Fl and am able to enjoy everything the area offers because I don’t have prior kid commitments on every weekend and in my evenings. I have rounded out my life with hobbies that I enjoy and forming close friendships rather than constantly being distracted by someone else’s schedule, needs and financial issues. I enjoy being known as myself and not as someone’s mommy.
So I don’t know, it all sounds really indulgent but it comes down to a tremendous amount of extra time/money to focus on other parts of life, which I find really fulfilling. But then I’m not mourning the loss of the family I wanted, etc so everyone’s milage varies.
Thank you. I am just struggling right now and need some help - I will be ok in the end.
The career and time are big ones for me right now. I have a great career with many opportunities. My husband and I do have a lot of time (and money) to take vacations and even weekend trips. This is a huge benefit in our eyes - planning cycling trips in Hawaii and backpacking around Japan are things that would be difficult or impossible with kids, especially young ones.
While I’m trying to let go and move on to try and spare myself this heartache, I still have not decided yet what to do with the frozen embryos. I think I would struggle to donate or destroy them. I suppose I’ll just keep them on ice for now, but even that is tough. I just want this to be over. Sometimes I think about just getting a hysterectomy so I no longer have the option (and hope).
Thanks for these posts. Yes, BoBettie, I know a few folks who are childfree by choice and the perspectives are different, but it’s good to hear them as well.
Yes, adoption is a option, but really only from the public system for us. We have discussed the option of adopting an older child or sibling group at some point down the road. We do have a ‘child in the system’ that we see every few weekends and for whom we’ve completed the foster/adoption homestudy for just in case she is taken from her mom (which looks unlikely at this point).
since you will not have to save for their education you will be able to devote more resources to your retirement or some worthy cause you wish to support.
being a parent is stressful. If you are not a parent you will get more sleep, less anxiety, and will not ever have to endure the particular pain of a grievously injured or deceased child.
since you will not have to spend time and energy on your own children you will have more time and energy for other things, be that a career, goofing off, volunteering, or spending time with other peoples’ children. Including things like fostering or mentoring.
if you need to take care of a seriously ill or injured relative it will be far easier to do so without needing to worry about offspring as well.
you will have greater flexibility in your work schedule since you will not have to plan around kids or the school year
you will have greater freedom to travel for the same reason
you can live in a smaller and less expensive residence since it is only the two of you, freeing up resources for other important things in your life.
My spouse told me about his infertility prior to our marriage, which was right and proper, so I knew going in that having children would, at best, take more effort than usual and we decided not to get on the merry-go-round of assisted reproduction. Yes, sometimes we think “What if we had had kids…?” but it’s not a source of misery to us. We’ve had a good life, look forward to many more years, and we’re quite happy. Then again, I’ve long said I could make a good, happy life with or without kids of my own. We’re certainly doing better than my one sister who’s two kids are a mess (one has mental illness, the other suffered a traumatic brain injury) though looking at my other sister’s kids, who are both doing well, yes, we missed out on a few good things but you can’t experience everything possible in a lifetime.
Bottom line: It’s OK to decide not to have children. You can be happy even if you don’t have children. You need to do what’s best for YOU, as a family (even if that’s a family of two).
As a parent, I can say that time, money and to a greater or lesser degree, freedom are the things that you give up when you have kids.
Time, in the sense that children, especially young ones, are dependent and just daily maintenance activities and chores take up a lot more time than if it’s just you and your SO.
Money- this one’s self-evident, but it’s not just incremental costs like food, electricity, etc… but whole new categories- day care, mother’s day out, kid shampoo, diapers, etc…
Freedom- even if your kids aren’t actively doing anything requiring your time, you’re still not free to just bail and go have dinner with your SO, unless the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. You have to arrange a babysitter, and there’s another cost you have to weigh against the utility of having that kid-free night.
All that said, children are really more than the sum of the parts- going into your 2 1/2 year old son’s room early on a Saturday morning and hearing a really excited “HI DADDY!” and instantly getting a hug makes it all worthwhile.
We don’t have kids. We kind of were in the same situation as EmAnJ; we tried, but couldn’t. I’m okay with that outcome, we travel a lot and at the drop of the hat. We both tend to spend money on experiences rather than things, and when something cool comes up that we want to do, money and logistics rarely get in the way. We both are accomplished in our careers and are able to devote energy towards them.
Plus, we don’t have to nerf our world. I see friends who have kids and all of a sudden, all of the edges in their lives get sanded down, they don’t seem to be able to enjoy anything that is the least bit challenging, they all seem kind of washed out over time and start to be uncomfortable living in the adult world. I see people like that and I’m thankful I’m not one of them.
What a comforting statement to make to a person mourning the loss of her ability to have kids. Real sensitive, bro.
As a child free by choice person, the benefits of having no children are pretty much “not having children.” Similar to the benefits of not having anything you don’t want at all. So, not much help with the emotional side of it (my lack of an emotional side is one reason I don’t want children).
Some benefits if not having children is that still apply if you originally wanted children are:
you work on your own shit instead of being distracted by your child’s needs
You won’t be destroying the environment - not bringing another little consumer/waste generator into the world is one of the most ecologically beneficial things you can do for the planet.
You’ll have a lot more time & money to spend on things you enjoy, including charity if you enjoy that.
You’ll have energy for your nieces/nephews and cousins, to do fun stuff with them their parents can’t afford.
When your parents are older and need decisions about their end if life care, you won’t be between a “rock & a hard place” dealing with geriatric and kid issues/costs at the same time.
Children stress your marriage - special needs children stress your marriage a lot.
Wife and I do not have kids. We are saving money at a very high rate. This will enable us to weather a serious financial crisis (e.g. job loss) should one arise - and if none arises, we hope to retire well before age 65. This would not be possible with children.
Along the way, we are enjoying spending time with each other and traveling quite a bit. On vacations, we can afford to stay at very nice hotels and eat at very nice restaurants, another thing that would not be possible with children.
We can vacation whenever it suits us, irrespective of the school year. We can leave for Chicago at noon on a Friday, no worries. We can visit Japan for a couple of weeks in the fall, when the weather there is more hospitable (summers are hot and muggy). We can visit tourist destinations here in the US in the off-season, when kids are in school and the only people around us are retirees and other child-free couples. Plenty of parking, plenty of peace and quiet.
We don’t have to think about or plan activities (on vacation or at home) that will appeal to children.
We don’t have to pick up or drop off a kid at a certain time and place; we come home from work at the end of the day, and do what we want to do when we want to do it.
We don’t have to arrange for (or pay) a babysitter in order for us to enjoy an evening out together.
EmAnJ: I am really sorry and hope you can find happiness.I did not have children until I was in my mid-30’s. I love children, but I honestly thought I might not have any. I have a lot of girl friends my age who did not have children. They are all blissfuly happy, and I envy them. I never see them anymore because I am a parent. The things they do:
Go to a lot of concerts
Travel a LOT
Pursue their dreams such as going back to school, etc.
Have their money to do whatever they want, a couple of them even bought a boat!
What I am trying to convey is that I know plenty of women who love children, but never had any of their own. They are beautiful women, who enjoy life and have absolutely know regrets about not having kids. Whichever path this crazy thing we call life takes you on, I hope that you too can find real happiness no matter what may or may not come your way.
I get home from work, and literally do not sit down for even a minute until after 9:00. It’s good-bath-food-wash bottles-sleep. Oh, I also do not sleep. Or see friends. It’s a grind.
My work offers opportunities to travel to really cool places, and I cannot do it. When I do travel, I can’t take a couple days to explore.
Daycare costs me $2,000 a month. That is not a typo.
My marriage has changed from a fun partnership to a rushed mass of logistics between two cranky, sleep deprived people.
It’s a lot of work. It is A LOT of work. And you can’t get out of it.
I’ve followed your journey for years. I’m sorry it’s come to this.