I second this a thousand times over. I have a great aunt who’s not actually my real great aunt - she’s been close friends with my grandfather ever since they were very young adults. My sister, my mother, my aunt and I basically grew up visiting her house on weekends - it’s been the same house through all the generations, an enormous old thing with passageways and secret rooms and lots of cool old books and records (seriously, I could go on for months about her music collection). Recently, my not-really-great-aunt was admitted to the hospital (though it looks like she’ll be OK, so yay!), and we didn’t know how many visitors she’d get - there’s a stereotype in our society that women without children find themselves lonely as they grow old. When we arrived at her room, we found it full of others just like us - who’d grown up treating her like a relative, with people as old as their 60s talking about calling her house “Narnia” when they were toddlers. The choice to not have kids was, well, a choice for her; she and her husband just didn’t feel like being parents. But in that hospital room, we all realized that even though biological reproduction may be the most common way, it’s not the only way - we were all her children.
I think the best thing about not having kids is that you and your husband can really focus on your relationship and the quality of your marriage. Too often marriage takes a back seat to raising children, and I’ve seen a lot of empty-nesters realize that after 18+ years of raising children, they no longer want the same things or even enjoy spending time together.
[QUOTE=Broomstick;17290827
- since you will not have to spend time and energy on your own children you will have more time and energy for other things, be that a career, goofing off, volunteering, or spending time with other peoples’ children. Including things like fostering or mentoring.[/QUOTE]
This is one that really shouldn’t be underestimated. Kids really do benefit from having a childless adult in their lives to love them. I always loved loved LOVED spending time with my childless aunts and uncles–they didn’t have the stress and exhaustion of another human being’s basic maintenance, so they had time and energy to really interact with me as an individual in a way that I never, ever got from my other aunts and uncles, and didn’t get as often as I would have liked from my parents. It was a relationship much more akin to true friendship than what I had with any other adult in my life, and I’m still much closer to them than to the rest of the aunts and uncles. And now being the aunt in the situation, I see how much deeper and richer my relationship with my niece is than it would have been if I had kids of my own.
Also when you’ve enjoyed all the deep, rich, immensely rewarding relationship you can stand, like when they’re exhausted, overstimulated, coming down off a sugar high, and there might be a load in the pants…you get to exclaim about how late it’s gotten, hand them to the parents, and go home. 
It’s like being a grandparent, but without the hassle, expense, and delayed gratification of having to raise your own kids first.
Yeah, I think this is what really cemented our decision not to have kids. We have some friends who have had kids without Falling Down the Baby Hole, but they’re kind of a minority. That was so totally not the life either of us wanted.
- Your body. If you’re in reasonable shape right now, you don’t have to worry about pregnancy affecting your health and vanity.
-Your sanity. Every kid is a gamble. You could end up with a child that is a behavioral nightmare, or even a sociopath. You also don’t have to worry about something tragic happening to your child or by the hands of your child.
-Your personal autonomy. Without kids, you are free to move around without having a little person hanging off of you constantly. You don’t have to worry about losing your privacy in the bathroom, or feeling like you’ve lost yourself to “mommy” identity.
I love these responses, thank you everyone for your kindness. :o
The comments about having time to travel (at the drop of a hat) and good finances are things we see right now, which is nice. Time to do charity work is a good example, as I do a LOT of charity/volunteer work now that I would not have time to do with kids. We also have many athletic pursuits that we could not spend as much time on with children. Education is another good one - I just finished grad school and clearly saw how much easier it was for me then those in my class who were parents (a few mom’s actually dropped out mid way).
I do also have a niece and a nephew (so far) that I can spend time with on occasion, and who I would be excited to provide exciting opportunities to (i.e. travel or experiences their parents couldn’t afford).
Those that do not have kids - do you ever worry about your old age? For example, what if you have an illness where you need constant care or oversight from family?
Have any of you dealt with guilt over not giving your parents or in-laws a grandchild? This is one I think of as my husband’s only sister also likely won’t have children. Derek said to me last night that this in particular is not my burden to bear, but I still think about it.
Thanks again everyone.
This is really comforting (and posted while I was writing my last response). Thanks for sharing this.
Having kids is definitely no guarantee that you will be taken care of in old age. Its a crapshoot. You could just as easily end up with a special needs kid that you will need to take care of in old age.
This is not an attack on you, but I hate it when people use this as a reason to have kids. It seems incredibly selfish. There’s no guarantee that your children will be willing or able to take care of you in old age.
Good point. Planning for old age is equally important whether you have kids or not.
You will not have to deal with the constant, gnawing guilt that lots of parents suffer from. No feeling bad because you can’t do the stay-at-home thing or can’t afford the very best of everything. You can cuss, drink, smoke weed, watch horrible TV, eat pizza every night and not have to answer for these choices. You can also have adventures without feeling guilty or having anyone MAKE you feel guilty. Want to go skydiving and mountain-climbing on the same day? Go ahead. You don’t have to live for anyone else, so why not?
Kids are disease vectors. They are always getting sick at school, bringing stuff home and getting you sick, and taking large amounts of time to deal with fevers and runny noses, at best.
You will be much healthier without them around.
Absolutely I worry. Not so much about illness as we have the NHS, but about mental incapacity not being spotted and being defrauded and being pushed into a care home. And dying alone from a fall or something at home. And loneliness.
I’m spending time now fostering relationships with my nieces as well as my friends’ kids. I’m really never without some connection to kids when I want it - whether it be in person, or sending them cards, or them sending me pictures, or stories from my mom (babysitter)/brother/friends about the kids.
I know so many kids now (everyone I know has kids) that I started throwing a summer kids’ party, and it’s a huge hit. I also have kids over for my birthday, just to play baseball and hang out in the yard.
Anyway, no, right now the prognosis looks like I’ll have plenty of support through my old age.
It’s totally fun being a childless auntie. Some times it’s disappointing when the kids are young because they’re super hard to pin down, schedule-wise (as in they have no damn schedule, or they’re always napping, or they’re always sick) but really you can get all the kid love you need at any time, and the rest of the time is yours.
Nobody has a right to grandchildren.
My ex-wife was an only child, and we simply made it clear to them at some point, “stop waiting, stop asking.”
A few that spring to mind for me: 1) not having to worry about what kind of person (s)he will grow up to be, 2) FAR less expense (for me and my spouse), 3) fewer logistical issues when planning events or outings, 4) (MUCH) less impact on the environment. For the record my wife and I do have a couple of pugs so for anybody who thinks that we’re being selfish because we’re not giving of ourselves to other living creatures, there’s that. (I feel compelled to add that I think that my wife and I take VERY good care of our dogs. We love them as they love us - unconditionally)
That’s a terrible reason to have kids – so they will wipe your ass when you can’t do it anymore. I plan to do whatever is within my power to avoid being a burden to my loved ones when the time comes. I hope assisted suicide for the terminally ill or disabled is more accepted when I end up needing it.
Since you already have a lot of plus sides to not having children around at all, and since you mentioned the possibility of adoption, I will give you a huge big plus side to not having your own children through pregnancy and childbirth: your health!
Pregnancy and birth are basically just terribly BAD for you. If it wasn’t necessary for some people to bear that burden doctors would be outraged at what women have to go through.
You have been in the mill of romance of pregnancy and childbirth, and that’s something we need to do to talk ourselves into it. But the reality is that pregnancy and childbirth can permanently damage a woman’s body. When we started to walk upright our pelvis narrowed so much that childbirth becomes very difficult. Right before birth the muscles around there are all loosened, and often they are never really right again.
This means problems with the pelvic floor muscles for many, many women. The scope is actually relatively unknown because it gives embarrassing problems that women think they should just deal with. Many women are incontinent (either following the birth or later in life), and though there are options do something about that they are not always effective. My MIL suffers from pelvic instability, she is in constant pain and there is nothing that can be done for her. A friend’s wife has chronic lower back pain as result of child birth and the loosening of those muscles. For her too there is nothing that doctors can do. She ended up having to take a pain management course where you learn to deal with pain. Forever. My own mother struggles with incontinence that can’t be effectively treated.
You don’t hear about this stuff often, because it’s embarrassing, because it’s considered part of the deal and also because when you are trying to get pregnant it’s sort of inappropriate to talk about.
And that is just the pelvic floor muscles, and in perfectly normal births! That didn’t even involve tearing, sore nipples, the stretching and sagging, the big feet etc etc!
You still have the possibility of having children in your life, and honestly, the health aspect is a really good reason adopt. Add to that the children who need a family… (I worked with those children, please give them a family!)
I suppose the benefits largely depend on what sort of person you are. If you are very career driven, have lots of friends and hobbies and like having your own space without anyone bothering you or telling you what to do, then not having kids is a huge benefit.
Yeah, my wife and I have a child on the way. I’ll be honest. Sometimes I think we made a horrible, horrible mistake. I did not have a gaping hole in my life that needed to be filled with cleaning up a small person’s shit every day.
I also echo madmonk28’s observations. I see these guys dragging around their kids and they just sort of seem like these out of shape husks of emotionally dead flab. Well, except for the guy I call “Action Dad” sprinting shirtless down the Hoboken waterfront all jacked-up, pushing his 3 kids in some sort of sport stroller.
Oh and I can’t wait for a few years from now when we have to move Buttfuck, NJ for the schools so I can commute an extra hour every day.
So I guess I feel the same way about not dying alone and childless in some luxury Manhattan apartment, George Clooney style as **EmAnJ **does about not having kids.
And someday, your baby will be a teenager, and you will look back on this as the EASY part of parenting. Yeah, you don’t get a lot of sleep and its a lot of work - but its not like you sleep when your sixteen year old has the car, you spend a lot of time before that driving from place to place, there are the hassles of school and homework (and can I even remember how to complete a square to help with this homework, I don’t think I was ever taught to complete a square - what they hell are they talking about), and worries about drugs and alcohol and your kids finding porn way over their head on the internet (it isn’t finding your friend’s dad’s Playboys anymore). There are fears of teenage pregnancy and worries about college (varying from - will they even go to will they get into a good one). And having the police show up at your house for what 20 years ago would have been a harmless teenage prank. And, is it just you or does your child have the worst taste in boyfriends…
And currently one of my girlfriends has a middle school son who would like to try life as a girl. She’s fully supportive of him, and has been battling the school on the issue…but babies are SO easy.
Many years ago I asked my parents if my newlywed sister and her husband were going to have kids. My parents said they didn’t know because they didn’t ask, and they didn’t ask because they didn’t think it was fair to put that kind of pressure on someone; they felt the decision to have or not have kids was a very personal one that should not be subjected to pressure from anyone not actually in the marriage.
Decades later, they have extended that same courtesy to me and my wife. I’m sure my mom would love it if we had grandkids, but she hasn’t pressured us or even asked us about it.
An interesting point. My brother, sister and I do a lot for our elderly parents. My sister lives near by, so she goes to doctor’s appointments with them, takes notes and helps ensure accurate and clear communication in both directions. My brother and I visit on a regular basis; he takes care of their computers and their income tax return, and I do all manner of odd jobs for them. When my wife and I get too old to do tax returns or odd jobs, I expect we’ll have to hire those jobs out, but that shouldn’t be a problem, thanks to our healthy financial status. Doctor’s appointments? day-to-day caretaker? Dunno. We’ll just have to deal with whatever comes, I guess. Worst case we move into an assisted-living facility.