Telling your kids you salary?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am wondering how other parents handle this situation, and why.

My school-aged children (8 and 11) have been asking recently what our income is. We have been teaching them the basics of money handling, they have savings accounts, we talk about what we can and cannot afford etc, so I know where the question is coming from.

When they were younger we told them that was private adult stuff. We didn’t want them talking around the neighborhood about what we made.
They also know the difference between a secret and info that is private.

However, they are getting older and I’m finding it hard to justify the no answer. I always intended to tell them at some point to show them how we budget savings, bills etc- but I thought that would be at later jr. high or high school.

So… That’s the long backstory to a short question. Parents: What do you do?

2

My parents have never told us how much they earn - I’m v. glad it’s like that, as it means I am unable to judge them against anyone else’s salary.

Personally I don’t intend to tell my kids what I earn - there are very few kids who can resist using “my dad earns more than you” where possible.

3

I tell my kids my salary. Well, the older one, anyway. The baby doesn’t care much. I guess he first asked when he was around 9 or so.

I’ve never understood why people care if others know how much they make. To me, it’s one of those quaint “secrets” of yesteryear, like a woman’s age or the fact that Aunt Mabel has cancer. Who cares? I mean, who cares in any meaningful way. I can see being curious, but I don’t see what damage can be done by my neighbors knowing how much we make.

But if you care, I personally think they’re old enough for you to say, “This is family information, not public information. It’s best to keep it private because [insert your reasons here]. When I tell you, it’s because I trust you to keep it in the family and not talk about it with your friends or anyone else.”

By the way, by 8 a lot of schools are teaching money skills - counting, giving change. They may even be doing rudimentary budgeting, which will certainly make your kids curious. I think if you wait until high school to start budgeting lessons, you’re waiting far too long, IMHO.

4

I’d would recommended keeping it vague. IME young kids can may not know how to handle that kind of information. Kids tend to feel acutely self-concious about things adults know how to handle in stride, money issues included. If it turns out that you make a lot more (or a lot less) than their friends’ families make (or appear to make), they may feel really embarrassed or uncomfortable about it-- or they may brag and lord it over their friends (I’m sure your kids aren’t bullies, but all kids act mean sometimes).

I think high school or college age is old enough to start letting your kids know about the family’s financial situation in more detail, because at that age it starts to become relevant to their lives-- you may be helping them with college expenses, wedding expenses, a down payment on a house, etc. Also, they should know the general shape of your estate planning, so that when the day comes, there aren’t any huge surprises.

Just my $0.02.

5

I think WhyNot has the right idea with telling them, while informing them that it’s not public information, along with wm–'s suggestion to keep it vague… I just have horror stories from when I was a child, and my… ahem… Anne Shirley-like tendencies to go on and on and on about everything around me, and at one point loudly informing *all * the children at my daycare, plus all the workers, that this horrid little hell hole was the very reason my parents were in financial trouble, and that I’d overheard they only had $1000 in the bank at the time. Oh, $1000 might sound like a lot to some of you, but it’s really not, and there are four mouths to feed, and this awful daycare was overpriced and had poor workers and…

My mother, like many mothers before and after her, tells me one day I’ll have a child who is just like me. I dread the day, I tell you.

Anyway, really, it will vary from child to child. Do you believe they would tell everybody? Some children are very trustworthy with that information if you just gently and logically explain to them why it’s not information people just give out, or why you would be uncomfortable with it. I think that’s something you’d have to gauge for yourself. Good luck. :slight_smile:

6

I remember one time - maybe around 1970 - when my parents were upset over hearing that I had told a neighbor kid how much my dad earned. They asked me what I had told him, and I announced the ungodly amount of $1000 a month - at that age I couldn’t imagine anyone making or needing much more than that! :wink: I think they had been worried that I had been rifling through their records or something. I still have no idea what he made (but I now realize it was many times $12G.)

I’ve never told my kids exactly what I earn, and they’ve never pressed it too much. I have a hard time coming up with a scenario where you need to be too precise. Our experience has been that - like me as a kid - our kids didn’t really have a clear grasp on what household expenses cost, or what realistic salaries are. When they discuss possible careers, we emphasize the importance of them doing something they enjoy, but we will say that if certain material things are important to them, they wish to pursue a more highly paid career.

We always discussed our family’s income in relation with other people, choices, situations, etc. For example, we point out that while we make enough to support our very comfortable lifestyle, we do have to be aware of what things cost, save for big expenditures, and make choices. My kids seem pretty content with that.
We point out that many people in our town make more than we do, but that we earn more than many other people. On occasion they will want us to spend money on something or another, and we are hesitant to. We’ll say, “that represents x% of our weekly food budget” or somesuch, and discuss whether that is a choice we want to make as a family. We have tended to give our kids pretty small allowances, buy many of their basic clothes and needs, and pay for a lot of family recreation, but have long required that they work to earn discretionary spending. I think it is far more important that they learn the value of money, than a simple figure such as my income.

At one point we became aware that our kids thought we were less well off than we are. We had talked about the desireability of getting college scholarships and such, and told them absent a good reason we wouldn’t just pony up for private college instead of state schools. Somehow they translated our comments into questioning whether they would be able to afford to even go to school. So we talked about that.

I believe one time when my kids pressed it, I asked them how much they thought I earned. As I recall, they came up with a figure maybe 2/3 what I make. I told them that the figure they named would support a comfortable lifestyle, and that I made somewhat more than that, and they were satisfied with that response. I think a sense of financial security meant more to my kids than knowing the specific figure.

7

That’s the real key, especially with younger kids, who can get really freaked out if they think the family is having money troubles.

I wanted to pull this out and emphasize it. Kids hear a lot about “follow your dreams” and “money’s not imporant as happiness,” and that’s great, but I think it’s important to balance it with realistic expectations. A friend of mine always talked about how she wanted the white-picket-fence upper middle class life-- while she was seriously dating a guy who would have been perfectly content to live in a double-wide and work part time at Best Buy for the rest of his life. They were well-matched in other ways, but everyone except her could see that this guy just wasn’t going to give her the lifestyle she wanted.

8

I think the conversation has to take place in context of a larger conversation about obligations, responsibilities, budgets, etc.

i.e. rather than saying “we make $55,000 a year.” It should be “we take home about $2500 a month after taxes and some other things that come out of the paycheck before we get it. We have to pay a $900 each month on mortgage, we spend another $450 a month on groceries, and bills - to do things like heat the house - eat up a lot of the rest. In the end, kid, we pay your allowance and I can buy your mom and candy bar.” i.e. kids hear $55k and think “we must be rich, what do Mom and Dad waste all that money on!”

9

In HS, my kids have had to take a consumer ed course (or test out of it). As open as we have tried to be with our kids on just about every topic they bring up, and others we feel important, the gaps in their knowledge on economic matters regularly surprises us. Until kids start driving, most have no need to think much about insurance. They may have a bank account for their earnings and gifts, but don’t know much about various banking/savings/investment options, credit cards, etc. They know little about state and federal taxes other than sales tax, social security is essentially a vague concept, and retirement planning means little to them. They take things like utilities and food for granted, rather than significant portions of the household budget.

So IMO the single figure of your gross income would mean little to them, and would likely give them inaccurate ideas.

10

:eek:

11

In an effort to keep my 17 year old in school I have told her what I earn. I left home at 15 with some qualifications and don’t earn much at all but I really want her to go to university and once she’s graduated she can earn much more than I have ever done. Your kids are younger and I’d be more likely to talk about the monthly budget than exact earnings.

12

My kids ask and I tell them we don’t like to discuss it with people and there’s no reason for them to know. They seem curious about comparing us to other people, which I don’t want to encourage.

When I was their age I asked, too. My dad always told me “A hundred dollars a year.”

The damage is the upset balance of social relationships. There will always be people who make less than you, and some of them will think you don’t deserve it and resent you for it. There will always be people who make more than you, and some of them will look down on you for making less. Some of these people are people are people you will get along with fine until they find out how much you make.

Of course, you can always say, “Well, if that’s the way they feel, then f*** 'em.” Just depends on your philosophy.

13

Thanks for the explanation. I was afraid it was something like this.

Yeah. Anyone with that sort of social pecking order based on money thing isn’t going to be my aquaintance for long, let alone my friend. I guess it’s like finding out your boyfriend is a cheat - best to find out before you get too attached.

14

Thanks for all the replies!

The conversation started today because we were going out school supply shopping and my daughter’s school gives her the option of buying her own supplies or using what the school provides. I decided we’d buy our own, because there are a lot of kids in need in her school and the teachers are better off helping those kids than us.

I explained that to her, which led to the question about which jobs pay more and which pay less, and finally to the question of what we make.

The kids know we are comfortable (they don’t know that we make more than most of the families around us) but we need to budget major purchases. My son is starting private school, so we are being very careful with money right now and they know it.

We have started talking about family budgeting already, but I think we’ll wait to delve deeper into it when they get older. They already budget some of their own allowance money.

I think I feel comfortable not telling them specific numbers yet of our total salary- despite their generally good manners they’re just kids, and I wouldn’t want them to get into a economic discussion with their friends.

Thanks again for thethoughtful replies!

15

I didn’t know how much money my parents made until I was a senior in high school, and I had to feel out college forms. I admit that I was never really curious enough to ask them…so I’m kind of shocked that eight-year-olds would have something like that on their minds. But I think if I had asked, they probably wouldn’t have told me the truth…at least my mother. I know we went through some rough patches, but I swear that woman wanted us kids to believe we were always on the edge of poverty (which we weren’t). I remember feeling guilty every time I asked for money for a field trip, because I thought the expense would put a strain on the family’s budget. Perhaps that was her intent all along, to keep us from bugging her for unnecessary things.

16

I don’t remember when I first asked, but my mom has always told us her salary simply because it’s fairly easy to obtain because as a teacher, it’s public information anyways. My dad, OTOH, refuses to tell us how much he makes (nevermind the bonuses and cash benefits and other things covered by his job that would otherwise have to be paid for out of his salary) even when it was information I needed to apply for a scholarship! I know he makes more than a certain amount, and I suspect it’s between something else, but I could be entirely wrong. He just doesn’t feel we need to know, and is annoyed that we know what my mom makes.

In our family, dad takes care of the money, and that’s all we need to know.

I think, if I have kids and they ask, I’ll be more or less honest with them about our income. At least giving them a range, a sense of how we’re doing. There’s a lot about handling money that I didn’t learn from my parents, because Dad just did it all. Speaking for myself, I’ve always been quite responsible with money, but my sister and sometimes I think my brother could have benefited from being more aware of what things really cost while we were growing up.

17

One issue is that kids have no context for salary amounts. If I told them we made 20K or 200K they would have no idea what was typical (at least younger kids like mine). What they do understand is what everyday things cost- I can tell them that running the air conditioner cost us $300 (ugh) this summer and new sneakers are $50 and jeans are $15 and they seem to grasp that $40 for jeans would be a lot.

My son understands that we’re paying for him to go the private school he and we really wanted him to go to, so we’re cutting back on other things (he didn’t do the
camp for the second week etc.).

The question came from a conversation about how we are lucky to afford school supplies and we shouldn’t ask the school to pay for ours, whereas there are families that don’t earn enough to buy all their supplies etc.

18

By the time I was 11, I had already started helping my father with the billing for his company. By 14, I was doing both my parents’ taxes. I don’t think it did me any harm. I knew what the mortgage was, what the monthly expenses were and about how much they had in savings as I did the bills. It made my life much easier now that I am an adult.

19

I can’t possibly see what this should be private or secret. But maybe that’s because my salary is public information. School kids on post all know what each other’s parents make. They also know how much authority/power each other’s parents have. It doesn’t seem to cause too many problems.

20

Of much more importance to me would be teaching the principle of “living within your means”. The actual salary amount is relatively immaterial, what is important is the understanding that there is an income and there are expenses, both mandatory and discretionary. You can go into detail about what the amounts are specifically, or you can use example amounts. But the message should always be “spend less than you make - and be a saver.” This completely steps around the social status concerns.

Once these ideas are firmly in place, then you can more intelligently discuss what you or anyone else actually earns.