I think “thank you cards” need to go the way of the dinosaur.
I don’t expect a thank you card, but it’s never inappropriate to acknowledge a kindness. That could be a verbal thank you, a hug and a nice squeeze of the hand, an email, or a handwritten card.
Why? I’m just curious. I personally think being thanked and thanking are very pleasant experiences and I can’t imagine getting a gift from someone and NOT thanking them. So why?
I think this is the key. If they can and it helps them then awesome but if they can’t manage it I’m fine with that too. I just wish that it was clear it wasn’t an obligation.
When my cousin died my Aunt was a wreck and still she drove herself crazy until the thank you notes were out. The process didn’t help her, every word just rammed home the fact that her daughter had just died. She would have been far better had she felt able to wait for a few weeks before writing them but that would have been impolite and therefore unacceptable.
When my father died I wrote all the thank yous so my mother wouldn’t have to. I didn’t mind it, it needed to be done.
I don’t get upset if I don’t get a thank you card or think badly of the person who didn’t send it.
Not everybody is up to it.
The bereaved get mountains of leeway in all things. As do new parents, but even more so for the bereaved. It is technically correct for them to acknowledge your gift or donation, but nothing should be “expected” of them.
Thank you notes following a funeral can be very healing, and help in maintaining a connection. Especially in the case of losing a spouse, people can become very disconnected and lonely. The most important thing to do in all cases is to try to connect after about six weeks, and about once a months during the first year of mourning. Even just a quick call to let them know you’re thinking of them can do wonders to prevent long-term depression from setting in.
Nit picking about their resposne or lack thereof, or allowing such conversations to go on in your presence is incredibly destructive at such a vulnerable time. Nothing that would tend to estrange or isolate the bereaved should ever be tolerated, and gossip should be quashed.
If you are the type who expects a thank you card then please, please, I beg you, do not send anything when one of my family dies. It was nice to know that a lot of people remembered my Dad fondly, so the flowers and cards were appreciated, but he would have been the first to tell you the above. I hate to think that someone is out there, nashing their teeth over the poor manners my dad taught me.
In fact I’ll go farther. If you ever EXPECT a thank you note you shouldn’t have sent whatever it was for whatever occasion. Thank you notes are nice, no question about it, and the people who send them are better people in my eyes but if you can’t give a gift without getting something in return then don’t do it.
When both of my parents died, we had a double funeral and got lots of flowers and plants, etc.
Neither my brothers nor I lived in that small town and we were only there for a week for the funeral and to take care of what needed to be done.
About two weeks later, I got a call from my aunt (mom’s sister) who was quite upset that nobody had received a thank you note and “people have been asking about that…”
The thought had never dawned on us to send thank you notes for the flowers and plants and food or whatever.
My brothers and I put together some money and put a small ad in the local newspaper with a photo of our parents and a “Thank you for your cards and flowers during this difficult time.” We then just added our names to the ad.
This appeased our aunt and seemed to have gotten the message out there.
When I spend weeks making you a quilt by hand for your baby or your wedding, and send it off, it would be nice to know it actually made it to you. I don’t think it’s expecting something in return.
I’m sorry you’ve waited 23 years to mention this. We actually never received your kind baby gift. Could this be the reason you haven’t talked to us in so long? Because if you had just called and asked about it we could have saved 23 years of misunderstanding. 
This has actually happened to us. We gave a wedding gift and forgot about it. Later the grandmother-in-law called around to make sure everyone got a thank you note (which is creepy) and when we confessed we hadn’t gotten one it came out that someone had stolen our gift from the wedding and used our box for their gift. The bride had the box, never did figure out where the gift went. So I get that a thank you note can reassure someone that their gift arrived safely. I also think that asking the grieving to give that reassurance is too much.
I see it from both sides. I would never berate somebody for not sending thanks for an expression of condolence. But were I the bereaved of course I would send thank-you cards to those who offered support, sent flowers, etc. As others have said, it’s a task to focus on, helps us think of those who love us, etc. It’s not such a terrible thing to express gratitude.
Just today (Tuesday) we received a thank-you note for a funeral we attended on Saturday. It was local, and I’m sure the family sat around afterward helping Grandma write notes (it was her son who died). My friend whose son killed himself on his birthday last year sent us (and I’m sure everyone else) a gracious note thanking us for our help and support. As one of her closest friends, I had offered to help her with writing them, but she managed herself. She said it helped very much to have something to do and to think of how blessed she was to have so many friends to lean on.
The formal thank you card needs to go away. If I see you and say “Thank you” to you, that’s enough. If someone mailed me something, I may thank them in any fashion, including a thank you card. But the idea of buying hundreds of identical thank you cards and mailing them out by the bulk load after a wedding or a funeral is not politeness. There is nothing personal about it. It’s just a chore.
Saying Thank you is fine and dandy.
Miss Manners would agree.
They should be written on stationery, not preprinted cards.
Darn, I really liked the fabrics I used in that one, too. 
I lost my dad last March, and did not send cards for the donations and flowers. I just never had the heart to do it, and then it got too late. If someone feels slighted, then you know, fuck them.
I did do the things that helped me heal the really bad first few weeks, like cleaning his garage and sorting his stuff. I also sent a nice card with the donations to the local animal shelter, with a good copy of a pic of him and his dog.
Everything does whatever they can do to get their head straight after someone dies. It helped me to put order to my feelings by putting order to his garage. Petty old busybodies that would pay attention to something like that after a funeral are really rotten people who need to get a life.
Making a trip to the store to choose and purchase a wedding gift is a chore too…one that takes far longer and costs far more money than writing and mailing a thank you card.
It may be a hassle to do it a bunch of times after a wedding, but each of those cards is a SMALL hassle in return for a larger one that benefited YOU.
I received one once, nine years ago. It was a pleasant surprise, and I still remember it.
It was sent by Nancy Reagan. I still have it.
Following tradition helps us feel that all’s still right in the world, and controllable. Your entire family just perished on a capsized boat, either drowned or eaten by sharks? Write a thank you note to everybody who provided a wreath to be thrown into the sea.
That’s what comes next. That’s why there are social “rules”, to lead us to the next step.
Funerals, like baby showers, usually have a designated someone who keeps track of who sent what. Writing thank-you notes concerning bereavent is sometimes the last connection we have with people who have reached out. Writing “thank you for remembering that her favorite flowers were lilies, especially tiger-lilies…” If you received that note acknowledging your effort, how good would that make you feel? How could it be wasted effort?
Kindness is never too much, and when reciprocated is never too little.
The question is not “Is it ok to send them?”: of course it is. The question is, is a person a Bad Person if they don’t? Is not sending thank you cards after a funeral as uncouth, as rude, as uncivilized as not sending them after a wedding? Is it ok to not send flowers to the next funeral because you didn’t receive a thank you card for the last ones you sent a person? Is it ok to be taken aback by the fact that someone never sent thank you cards, and to feel, privately, that they must not have been raised properly?
There was a song years ago by Jewel (not a big fan, but I did love this song) called “Hands” and one line is so profound that it has always stuck with me-
“In the end, only kindness matters…”
I think we can all agree that the world could use a LOT more kindness. It always makes me a little sad when a person seems shocked that I open the door for them walking through it or let someone pull out into traffic in front of me. A tiny act of kindness either shocks people or, worse, makes them suspicious of you. “Did he hold the door open for me so he could follow behind me and bash me over the head?”
Besides, I’m Southern and my mother would kick my ass if I was impolite in public!
Back to the Thank You note topic- When Thank You notes are compulsory, how do you ever know if it’s sincere?