Thank you for calling!


Hello, you’ve reached stegon66’s place of work. Welcome to our new, automated call system. If you are calling to check on your application for the 50th time, even though you don’t really want a job and will probably call off half the time if we do give you one, please press “1” and leave your name. If you’re lucky, we might actually dig through the stack of applications we have just to see how many felonies are on your record and how many jobs you’ve quit in the last year. If you are one of the 25 daily callers who want to know everything there is to know about our ice cream cakes even though that information is readily available online but you’d rather call us during a busy lunch, please press “2” for that information. If you are an employee and want to call off sick, please press “3” and our computer will generate an obviously phony excuse and text it to a co-worker who will then inform your supervisor - you know, like you always do. If you are a corporate toadie calling for the 10th time today to pester the supervisor about labor not because you actually care, but because you’re looking out for your bonus, please press “4” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that yes, we know how to do our job and your bonus is not in jeopardy and hey, it’d be nice if we got bonuses since we’re the ones who take it up the ass because you’re so cheap. If you are calling about an employee who hasn’t worked here in over eight years, please press “5” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that said employee has not worked here in over eight goddamn years so please stop calling. If you are the mysterious caller who repeatedly calls and immediately hangs up, please press “6” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you are an annoying fucktard and please burn in hell. If you are calling five minutes before we close to ask what time we close, please press “7” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you should not even think about coming in at the last minute and joking about how you “made it in just under the wire” because that would make you an asshole. If you are calling to ask if you can use a coupon that expired 6 months ago, please press “9” to hear a pre-recorded message that states “No, dumbass. It’s expired.” If you are calling to inform us of the imminent arrival of a large group of crotchety old people/screaming brats/obnoxious punk-ass teenagers/smug Jock Family Robinsons/smarmy church people-who-leave-a-bible-tract-as-a-tip, please press “0” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you should please piss off to the park with a bucket of KFC. Thank you for calling and have a nice day! Not.

You didn’t tell us the phone number.

Thread over. :stuck_out_tongue:

I am certainly going to add “Please piss off to the park with a bucket of KFC” to my own answering machine, though.

And hey, I am looking for work. What kind of cakes do you have? Are you open weekends, 'cause I don’t do weekends. Oh, you want my criminal record? Look it up yourself if it’s that important to you, I certainly can’t recall the exact date I failed to pay a fine 12 years ago. Or was it 11 years ago? Hell if I know. References? Sure, let me make up some fake names and numbers that you’ll never be able to verify anyway. My DMV record? See ‘criminal record’. You want me to fill out an application after looking at my resume? Do you REALIZE that my typed resume is the only legible bit of writing you’ll ever get from me if you insist that I repeat everything on a form handwritten?

By the way, I need Tuesday off. My gramma’s gonna die, I can tell.*
(*My gramma already died, I would never joke about that, just in case)

Hey, you got those ice-cream cakes? Haven’t had one of those in ages. You know, like the ones Friendlies sells, or Carvel. Mmmmm, ice-cream cake.


Hi, I’d like a large pepperoni pizza, for delivery.

And I have an expired coupon that I’d like to use.


But my call is still important to you, right?

Some of the more popular excuses:

“I been up all night pukin’ mah guts out!”
“My car broke down in (someplace far enough way as to be inconvenient to pick them up).”
“Ain’t got no babysitter.”

Some egregrious ones from the past:

“My mom died.” (she didn’t)
“My dog ran away and I have to put up missing signs.”
“My sister had a miscarriage.” (three times in one summer!)
“I had a dizzy spell.” (shortly after picking up his paycheck)

Best of all is the bitch who called off sick but still came in to get her paycheck, not looking or acting the least bit sick. What…the…fuck?

Or, the bitch who called and quit. And then came in to eat. Really?

Assuming you’re in the states I think your employees need to learn about the limits of their requirement to disclosure protected health information.

When I (rarely) call in sick to work I say, “I am not well enough to perform my duties,” and leave it at that.

It may surprise you to learn that medical conditions exist that render one unable to perform certain tasks but allow one to carry a paycheck out the door. It’s entirely possible that the employee was abusing leave, but unless she disclosed details that you can prove false you don’t actually know.

Come to think of it, quit your job. You’re clearly unfit.

I agree wholeheartedly. Anyone who doesn’t love every minute of every working day, who is ever irritated at all by dealing with idiots, who doesn’t truly believe that the customer is always right, well, that person doesn’t deserve a job.

Ignoring the fact that no one “deserve[s] a job,” complaining about customers and divulging employee health information (even stripped of identifying information) on a public forum is grotesquely unprofessional. If I were stegon66’s manager and I caught him doing so he would be terminated immediately.

Have you considered that stegon66 may not actually be a ‘professional’? Perhaps he’s an amateur. Perhaps he’s doing volunteer work for some needy corporation? I think you are making a ‘rush to judgment’ here… :slight_smile: Do you work in HR, by any chance?

I would most definitely call off if my dog(s) were gone and I had to put up signs.

What many of my employees learn about me is that I’d rather they just call and say “Listen Foxy, I am going to need to take a ‘mental health day’ today”.

A new one called in after her vacation and told me she was stuck in NY due to delays and had been there all night. It wasn’t hard to check to see there had been no delays that day. Now I don’t trust her when she just could have told me she missed her flight or decided to stay and extra day.

How is that unprofessional? Do you consider any poster or site that speaks of employers and/or employee scenarios as unprofessional even when anonymous? In that case, I should have fired myself many years ago.