Hello, you’ve reached stegon66’s place of work. Welcome to our new, automated call system. If you are calling to check on your application for the 50th time, even though you don’t really want a job and will probably call off half the time if we do give you one, please press “1” and leave your name. If you’re lucky, we might actually dig through the stack of applications we have just to see how many felonies are on your record and how many jobs you’ve quit in the last year. If you are one of the 25 daily callers who want to know everything there is to know about our ice cream cakes even though that information is readily available online but you’d rather call us during a busy lunch, please press “2” for that information. If you are an employee and want to call off sick, please press “3” and our computer will generate an obviously phony excuse and text it to a co-worker who will then inform your supervisor - you know, like you always do. If you are a corporate toadie calling for the 10th time today to pester the supervisor about labor not because you actually care, but because you’re looking out for your bonus, please press “4” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that yes, we know how to do our job and your bonus is not in jeopardy and hey, it’d be nice if we got bonuses since we’re the ones who take it up the ass because you’re so cheap. If you are calling about an employee who hasn’t worked here in over eight years, please press “5” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that said employee has not worked here in over eight goddamn years so please stop calling. If you are the mysterious caller who repeatedly calls and immediately hangs up, please press “6” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you are an annoying fucktard and please burn in hell. If you are calling five minutes before we close to ask what time we close, please press “7” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you should not even think about coming in at the last minute and joking about how you “made it in just under the wire” because that would make you an asshole. If you are calling to ask if you can use a coupon that expired 6 months ago, please press “9” to hear a pre-recorded message that states “No, dumbass. It’s expired.” If you are calling to inform us of the imminent arrival of a large group of crotchety old people/screaming brats/obnoxious punk-ass teenagers/smug Jock Family Robinsons/smarmy church people-who-leave-a-bible-tract-as-a-tip, please press “0” to hear a pre-recorded message stating that you should please piss off to the park with a bucket of KFC. Thank you for calling and have a nice day! Not.