Thank you gift ideas for primary caregivers

In My Humble Opinion
1

Background: my grandmother’s health (physical and especially mental) is such that she was persuaded several years ago to live near her Number One Son so that he could keep an eye on her. After a recent crisis, it occurred to the other sons and their wives that they really owe Number One Son a debt of gratitude and the family is thinking about what kind of gift might be appropriate.

If you are or have been a primary caregiver: what did people give you that you appreciated? What did they give that you did not appreciate? What would you have preferred to receive? Assume money is not an object.
If you are or have been the sibling (or whatever) of a primary caregiver what have you given and how was it recieved?

2

Perhaps he would like a weekend away somewhere, with other siblings taking over his duties for a couple of days.

3

I was a caregiver, and the closer of my two brothers began taking a weekend once a month for me (I was very fully employed, and we had a live-in attendant for weekdays). There is a lot to do that an attendant doesn’t/can’t handle, not to mention the diversion of your attention to issues and problem-solving.

It depends a lot on the physical and mental issues of the grandmother, and the level of responsibility of the son. Phone calls, managing doctor’s visits, grocery-shopping, hiring/supervising attendant, household maintenance, income tax, other accounting, tough emotional burden; or is it just a couple of phone calls and a visit per month?

Besides the weekends off (which saved my sanity), after our parents were both gone we went through the house and heirlooms ‘picking’ in turns in each room or stash, and at each stash my brothers said it was my turn to start picking. It was very low-key, but I knew why they were doing it, and the acknowledgement was good for my heart. And I got respect from the rest of the family for doing what I did, which I value.

So this is to suggest that there be some on-going support, payback, or reward for the cash or time he is putting in, and at the end a bigger slice of the pie (assuming there is one–you said money no object).

In fact it would be legitimate for him to be paid at full market rates, and this may ‘spend down’ the grandmother’s finances that will qualify her for gov’t assistance, thus saving the estate over-all the thousands per month that may otherwise have to be paid for nursing home care, if that is likely. And of course it would compensate the person who is doing the job.

If everyone has plenty of money, a serious symbolic gift might be fine, but (a) time and (b) compensation, preferably on-going or maybe upon the estate being settled, might be a very good idea.

If he resists compensation, remember that the burden slowly gets worse, and a person who cares for Grandmother and only wants to do right for her, can also begin to realize he is almost the only one doing anything, which can degrade the family’s feelings for each other. (I can’t tell how much this might apply here, you haven’t gone into great detail. But it’s best not to allow him to be noble about it.)

4

“Primary caregiver” may be overselling the amount of responsibility Number One Son has. Grandma is (now) in assisted living and was previously largely independent, but he has been responsible for making most of the arrangements, visiting her during her recent hospitalization, and checking on her most weekends. Still, he has dedicated a significant amount of time to caring for her over the last several years, and we anticipate him needing to for the next several. No one anticipates Grandma’s care requiring so much money that she would qualify for gov’t assistance. That is about the limit of what I feel comfortable sharing as additional information.

One idea which has been strongly considered is offering to pay for a lawn care service, since my uncle has a large lawn which takes much time to care for, thus freeing more time for him to spend doing what he wants. (He is employed full time).

5

Well, as long as he’s not the sort of guy who loves his lawn and can’t bear anyone else touching it, the lawn service sounds great. If he’s been giving up his weekend time to visit Grandma, what he really needs is time and the lawn service will give him some of that back.

6

Have someone house-sit, check in on grandma and give him a nice, long, all-expenses paid 3 day weekend away in Las Vegas!

When he tells his friends and co-workers what you guys did, you will come across as the coolest sibs on earth.

7

I don’t know about the monetary compensation stuff but I do know that time away is a great benefit. My father had alzheimer’s and other health complications for almost 10 years before he passed away. Mom and my sister were his primary caregivers. I spent many weekends at mom and dad’s so mom and sis could go and take care of what they needed to and get some relief.

Let me say this too Eureka. I don’t know your families circumstances as to how far apart everyone is and such, but I would urge you and everyone who can to spend what time you can with your grandmother. I’m saying, take any chance you can get to go spend time. Besides relieving your uncle so he can do other stuff, you won’t regret not spending time with her when she’s gone. As much as I miss my father, I’m so glad I took the time to go and spend time with him while he was still with us.

You’ll be doing your uncle and yourself a huge favor.