Thank you letters to Facebook

Dear Facebook,
Thank you for showing me all the females from my past that in my mind were “the ones that got away” are actually “the bullets that I have dodged”.

Dear Facebook.
Thank you for helping identify all the religious fanatics, racists, conspiracy nuts, anit-vaxers, etc. that I am acquainted with so I may happily avoid them in the future.

Dear Facebook,
Thank you for letting me re-connect with an old friend whose contact info I lost after a few moves. As she has chronic health problems, I would have thought of her, and worried about her, but never gotten back in touch if it weren’t for you.

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for allowing me to read and appreciate the wicked sense of humor possessed by the cousin by marriage whom I see very rarely. I always thought she was a nice person, but now I know she’s a really funny person, too.

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for having me keep in touch with my crusty sailor friends around the world and a special thank you for letting me get in touch with the kids I used to babysit. I particularly enjoyed their family reunion photos with all their kids.

Also thanks for relieving the burden from my mum who would try to keep everyone informed about each other and my cousin on the lighthouse station who did the same - they’ve pretty much retired those roles now.

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for letting me feel better about my life choices by viewing the absolute mess of other’s.

Dear Facebook,
Thank you for helping me to get reconnected to my family. We are all very busy and spread from the uppermost border of NY to Florida so we don’t often get to see each other. Now I get to see frequent pictures of their families and updates about what is going on in their lives. I’m closer to them now than I’ve been at any other point in my life.

Dear Facebook -

Thank you for helping me make new friends by connecting me with my friends’ friends and letting me stay connected with them without interference from my original friends.

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for connecting me to my last 2 lovers, both of which were people I have known for many years, but lost contact over the years.

Dear Facebook

thank you for the all the adorable animal photos especially zooborns.

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for helping me get to know my Great Uncle, who is a slowly dying, elderly, former computer engineer who writes science fiction and supports Obama even though he’s a Mormon.

Thank you for the unexpected ‘‘friendship’’ with an old friend from elementary school. We pretty much ignored each other through high school, but now he’s one of the most interesting things about Facebook. And we rarely agree on anything.

Dear Facebook -

Thank you for providing a buffer so that I can show baby pictures to my crazy relatives without having to let the crazy infest my life. Thank you also for giving me a way to keep up with my military friends, so that I can joke with them in real time as they’re bouncing around the globe, instead of trying to remember a base address that changes every couple of months.

Dear Facebook - Fuck you and the horse you rode in upon for letting the idiots have a forum where they can send me all the drivel that passes through whatever tiny minds they have. I have no need for glurge, political polemic, family or work drama and I really didn’t need to know what celebrity is sleeping [or not] with whom. I really need no invitations to farm shit, click on shit, or prove how big my e-penis is in any sort of online competition. If I didn’t have to have some way for my guild/corp to keep in touch with me, I wouldn’t have you.

Dear Facebook,

Just stay out of my way.

Dear Facebook,

Please leave me alone.

My Dearest Facebook
Thank you for creating a program that, when it does not work properly, you remain unacessable to your users.

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for the hearty laugh I got when I see that my friend, who is having a long-term affair with a married man, has posted that America needs to get back to its Christian values. That was a good one!

Ah knoooow…! A woman I’d planned to marry is posting anti-Obama screeds about how, if he’s elected, “we”* won’t have any money left.
*(she assumes I’m one of her fellow rich people)

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for providing me with settings so that I can easily avoid anyone who might post drivel, celebrity glurge, stupid contests, game invites and other game-related crap, religious or political bullshit or anything else I don’t want to see by hiding these things on my timeline. I can even unfriend anyone who bothers me. Luckily the caliber of friends I have means that most of them don’t post this kind of crap anyway, but it’s still nice to know that I have full control over what I see and don’t have to go bitching about it and threadshitting on a message board.

Thank you for letting me start a Group for something that’s very near and dear to my heart, letting me keep in contact with hundreds of others from all over the world who feel the same.

Thank you for inspiring the awesome movie The Social Network.

Dear Facebook,

Your documentation is really bad and it is surprisingly hard to make a usable FB app due to this fact.