I’m pretty sure Miss Manners (I can get chapter & verse if needed) has said that it’s not necessary to reply to a card. But she’s referring to a store-bought card, where the sender has done little more than add his/her name.
I just went through this, and my rule of thumb: if the card included a personal reminiscence or expression of condolence (more than just a “sorry for your loss”), I sent a note thanking him/her for their kind thoughts. And of course, donations and flowers also got a thank-you note.
Huh. I usually send cards but I sent a real condolence note not too long ago and never expected a thank you note back. She thanked me verbally, over the phone, does that count?
I would never expect a thank you note for a condolence card. If I see them in person, they might say something, but I would almost feel worse sending a card if I knew they then had to send me something back. I think I’d even prefer a Facebook status update thanking everyone for their condolences!
I had a little breakdown after my mother died and I ran into someone who was very angry with me for not sending an acknowledgement for the condolence card she sent.
I was shocked and hurt that she felt justified in berating me for not sending a thank you for her Hallmark card especially since I was so lost after my mother’s death.
I guess I’m of a certain age, as well. When our parents died, my sisters and I divided up the condolence cards and made sure everyone who sent them received a reply from one of us. Even if someone only goes to the drugstore, buys a card, signs their name and drops it in a mailbox, they’re still going out of their way, and I want to acknowledge that.
I don’t think I’m “of a certain age” but I did send thank-you cards for people who wrote me after my father died (every card I received was hand-written – I guess I know some classy folks). That said, doing so would have never occurred to me had it not been for my etiquette-minded wife.
I say yea but by priority. My wife is now with her Jesus for 3 plus weeks. I have been researching the subject on the internet and have found thank you notes/cards should be sent anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. Since I am at 3 weeks I am already late by a week. Here is what I am going to do. I am sending preprinted thank you cards (those with words of thanks already printed) adding my hand written personal notes to those who came to the services from out of town and made donations or sent flowers. For those who sent cards I will send thank you cards within the next 2 weeks.
No.
I think it’s ridiculous to expect someone whose world just completely fell apart to sit around writing a bunch of damn thank you notes when they have 10,000 other things to take care of not to mention trying to remember to breathe.
Funerals are not optional! People choose to get married and have weddings. People choose to have babies and baby showers and birthday parties and shit. Nobody chooses to bury someone they love. I deeply appreciated everything that was done for me when my mom died but there is no way I could have handled dealing with thank you notes; I was doing good to get out of bed and make it to work every day.
There is no way I’d ever expect anything from someone that’s grieving. If they say thank you, that’s fine – if they don’t, I’m certainly going to give them a pass.
The notes I received when my husband died meant THE WORLD to me. I wrote thank you notes to every one of them. It was not even close to being an “onerous task.” I was glad for the opportunity to think about him and to connect with people because of him. All too soon, people stop talking about the deceased and make you feel somehow “not over your grieving” if you mention the person. It’s a huge relief to be permitted and encouraged to talk about your loved one and not to pretend that you’re “doing fine.” I wasn’t even close to doing fine for a couple of years. I’m the only one who remembers the date of his death and that’s too bad. Of course, they read his name at the synagogue every year, and that’s meaningful.
I have a close lady friend whose first husband died over 20 years ago two days after my birthday (she has been remarried for years). Because his date of death is so close to my birthday, I always remember it, and I always call her or send her a “thinking of you” note on that day. She’s grateful for that and often tells me, “You’re the only one besides me who still remembers.”
People want to rush other people through grieving, thinking they can distract them or “cheer them up,” or “take their mind off things,” but it’s an organic process and can’t be rushed.
I felt kind of bad about never getting around to it, but I felt a lot worse about about my father dying and figured people would understand.
Plus when it came down to a choice between spending time organizing my father’s mess of an estate and finding which family member had which condolence card, to make a list, and track down everyone’s addresses especially people who relationship to my father I didn’t know… well that was an easy choice.
I will make a point eventually of sending out notes to people who sent money to me personally or mass cards.
It’s a nice thing to do but not an obligation.
I would say that if you are close to someone who has recently suffered a loss, in lieu of food, offer to help them with organizing the estate. It can be a tremendously arduous task, especially if the deceased was not organized. You could, for example, offer to collect the cards, and make a list of people to thank, with their addresses and what they contributed. Maybe buy them a nice set of thank you cards.
I started to do individual thank you notes to everyone who sent me a sympathy card or donated money for the kids/funeral and mailed out around 20-25 of them. But somewhere along the way, the task got dropped and I haven’t picked it up yet. With the children and working full time and the grief and the feeling like I am going insane, I am not sure where I can fit the rest of the thank you cards. If anyone feels bad about that…well…too bad. I am glad they thought about me and my family and I appreciate that.
I have however verbally thanked quite a few of them.
I personally wouldn’t expect a thank you for a condolence card. Imposing formalities during such an intense, painful time seems a little ridiculous to me.
I’ve got a double standard: I would never expect anyone else to write a thank-you response to a condolence card (although if they did, I would think it nice) and, for my own part, I definitely would. Finer points of etiquette are voluntary, but appreciated. Anyone who would judge someone else harshly for not taking that extra time and effort is being far too judgemental.
Are condolence cards themselves much in vogue these days? When my father passed away, I got quite a few very nice phone calls, but no cards.
