I read that 60% of Americans dislike getting together with their families for holidays, in part because political views have become so entrenched that it is even difficult to discuss things neutrally.
This number has to be an overestimate, and with our Thanksgiving coming up soon I would hope the number is much lower in Canada. Never been a big problem for my specific family.
Is it even possible the 60% number is in the ballpark? Has getting together for the holidays in big groups really become that difficult?
Thanksgiving and Xmas (speaking to the predominant family holidays in the US) are one of the few events where you’re likely to see multiple related family members over differing generations. As an example, my in-laws have 20-30 people each year at the events. We’re normally talking 3 generations of family or so, and that’s with just her family in the local area (roughly everyone within a 90 minute drive).
So, think to the trope of the one crazy uncle in each family. All it takes is one, especially if drinking is involved, to make everyone unhappy. In my personal case, I’m a secular Jew, and my wife is a semi-aggressive atheist, but we bit our tongues when most everyone else makes a long prayer in Jesus name. And yes, we’re pretty damn liberal, but there are some anti-vaxxers present (although one changed her mind after a 3 week bout with COVID) and quite a few Trump supporters (not rabid though).
So, would I rather spend the evening at home with my wife and cook my own dinner? Sure. Which probably counts for ‘dislike’, but it’s a minor one which is more than balanced out by making my M and FiL and extended relations happy.
And that’s for a holiday IN TOWN. Add the expense (!) and stress of travelling over the holidays, and 60% is probably an easy number to hit. But just dislike is probably too loaded a term to use with the level of frustration that all aspects of the holiday cause. More like a frustrated resignation at most.
I can see many families having issues, especially now that there is so much mobility. Used to be one married and moved across town, now people move a country away, and get exposed to differing political and religious views through different jobs, education and life experiences.
I guess our family was always different - as long as I can remember [call it back to about 1970, realistically] nobody discussed politics or religion at holiday celebrations. We discussed films, art, music, TV, but never politics or religion. Made for fun and peaceful holidays. We might get into a heated discussion over who made a better dessert, but that was about it.
By far the best Thanksgiving I have had in the past 23 years was in 2020. My parents did nothing because of covid an my in-laws, most of them anti-vaxxing trumpers, did their usual get-together. Since we respected Fauci and the advice of the CDC we stayed home, had a wonderful meal with just the 4 of us, and it was quiet, pleasant, and the was no talk about, well… hunting and guns and Evil Biden and Those Damn Immigrants and Jesus and about 7 million other things we have no interest in discussing or even hearing about. Last year, and this year I’m sure, will be a return to unpleasant family obligations and useless traditions.
I agree with this assessment. I have asshole Trumpers and other assorted crazy people in my extended family. I maintain strict boundaries and never, ever interact with them. As long as I can pick and choose my family activities and narrowly restrict who’s involved, things are fine. But Thanksgiving blows up those boundaries, typically putting 15 or 20 people in one big house regardless of their compatibility beyond blood relation. That’s what makes it so different.
Since moving from the US to Europe a few years ago, we’ve carried on our own Thanksgiving tradition, with local friends in attendance. It’s been a much, much better experience.
Nearly everyone in my extended family is on the liberal side of the divide, but we don’t typically talk about politics within the family. There are a couple of outliers in the group who are Trumpers, but they’re young and we don’t see them as often. But the topic doesn’t come up.
I enjoy getting together as a family for Thanksgiving. I’m Jewish but we do get together with my wife’s family before Christmas since everyone has their own Christmas gatherings. We argue over the logistics more that we do over politics, but everyone enjoys the weekend.
The OP’s 60% dislike estimate sounds about right. There’s a limited amount of time we want to spend with the 3 factions* of our extended families, and shorter visits reduce the chances of getting high-centered on their causes. We enjoy short visits with all, when we can avoid their defining beliefs. These are a few days at most, and we normally stay in our RV to ensure a bit of down time.
Thanksgiving itself is actually my favorite holiday. Due to work schedules and proximity to hunting season, I never been expected to travel for it. It’s the holiday I could spend at home, and therefore the most relaxing for me. Now that we’re retired, I’m not sure what will happen.
A lot of it may come from competing demands that there is no good way to solve. For example, my MIL (now long dead) INSISTED that all HER children and any mates and children HAD to come to her house for Christmas. No exceptions allowed. Of course some of those mates ALSO had parents that INSISTED that THEIR children etc HAD to come to THEIR houses. And if one set of parents was in Wisconsin, and the other in Arizona?
And, yes, ‘trading off’ with Thanksgiving or alternating years was always suggested and never was satisfactory to anyone involved. In the case of one of my father’s brothers and his wife, I swear they deliberately timed things so they’d be eight months pregnant at Christmas after several years of strife, and then insisted after that they would celebrate in THEIR OWN home, and parents/in-laws were welcome to come there but they couldn’t handle all the other siblings and offspring in their not-so-large house and that was that: total warfare.
Thanksgiving isn’t very comfortable for us, as we spend it with my Trump-and-Jesus-loving family. However, most of them are superficially decent enough to avoid politics at dinner. We bow our heads for the prayer and get the hell out of there as soon as we can.
We do have the crazy uncle…well, two, but one is impressively worse than the other. A couple of years ago at Thanksgiving he reached his nadir when he demonstrated (in pantomime, thank Og) “how the sand-niggers fuck their goats”. This, during dinner, with his mother at the other end of the table! I didn’t catch her reaction, due to the general consternation and withdrawal…picture my uncle as a drop of dish soap and the rest of us as floating grease molecules, that’s what it must have looked like.
Anyway, he has since moved to another state, so we’re down to more ordinary awkwardness and tedium.
I am in the 60% camp. I could do without the holiday get togethers entirely. For me it’s not about politics as much as just not really liking/getting along with the extended family. We all ONLY get together over the holidays, and it feels forced, unnecessary, and a general PITA to produce a huge meal for the sole reason “that’s what we always do”. Add in the whole small-talk bit and I am out (but I cannot, literally get out of it) - we all pretty much don’t give a sh!t about what’s going on in each other’s lives. I am thinking the best way to avoid Thanksgiving is to travel, either locally away from the familial expectations, or out of the country to a place where it is unknown. Harder to do for Christmas, tho. OTOH I would LOVE to do the holiday get-togethers with friends only!
I think I’ll be the one to ask for a cite here. I can’t find anything backing up this number. I found this one that basically says the opposite:
Researchers found that 73 percent bond with their loved ones during the joyful season more than any other time of year. Additionally, four in five respondents look forward to being together with family and friends and even more (82 percent) try to make that quality time happen every year.
A cite request is reasonable. I had doubts about the number. Closer reading suggests this comes from one poll, so obviously is a rough indication at best even if the poll was properly conducted and fair, which I do not have personal knowledge of.
The book prevaricates a little: “as many as 60 percent of Americans - according to one poll - anticipate family holidays with dread”, seemingly talking mainly about Thanksgiving. It quoted:
Anthony Brooks, Surviving Family Politics at Thanksgiving, On Point, WBUR, November 27,2019.
My family comprises Christian Southern Democrats (except me on the Christian part). We pray before dinner and hate on Trump, but we don’t use four-letter words and no alcohol is served, much less mentioned. I act like a decent human being for a few hours, then get the hell out.
All my kids and their spouses and kids are liberal Dems so no drama. And we enjoy meeting them. We will fly down to Boston where one son lives and my daughter in NY will drive up with her family for Thanksgiving, after which we will drive with them to NY for a visit. My other son in Seattle will not be there unfortunately.
The son in Boston does have a Trump-loving FIL and they spend Christmas there, but I think they manage to avoid politics.
Interesting. It brings me back to a point I made (poorly, I really need to proofread better before I log out), in that the terms: dislike, dread, and all are highly subjective. While I expressed my issues with Thanksgiving with my in-laws, dislike was already too strong a term.
I look at it as a chore, something that I do because I feel it needs to be done, or the results are worth the time and frustrations. But if forced to put it on a scale of like vs dislike, yeah, I dislike it, although certainly not to the level of dread.
BUT, as I stated in the other post, that’s for a local gathering with an expectation of wasting 6ish hours of a single day. If I had the same thing over a 2-day visit, and with a day of travelling on other side, the equation would change a great deal.
And as pointed out by others, including Knowed_Out, the situation can be very different if no booze is served - because in my local affairs, everyone tries to be tolerant on the surface, but 2 hours and a six-pack (or half a bottle of wine) later, things can be very different.
Much to my 93 year old mothers relief, we don’t bother with holiday stuff any more. I see her weekly now to get her groceries and stuff, and have just rented office space near her house. I know I would not get anything done at her house.
My Wife though, really misses it. We sometimes have a special meal at our house and have friends over.
