Look, it’s just you, me, and that other guy in our happy little row in this nasty little people can. Three people, four armrests.
I know you’ve been muttering under your breath throughout boarding that you are too important for this. Hey, I’m too important for this, too. But our bosses didn’t spring for first class, did they? And if you want to get to where you are going, the only way is to sit here for a for a couple of hours and tough it out. I’m sure you have a story. I have a story, too. Mine started in Buenos Aires nearly 24 hours ago, and I don’t really give a damn about your story. I just want someplace to put my arm.
I GET ONE OF THOSE ARMRESTS. Now sitting in the middle seat sucks, and really I think I ought to get both. I don’t have a nice comfy wall to lean my head against, nor do I have a luxurious aisle to meld into. But it is what it is. I just want one, since there are more than enough for us each to have on.
You don’t get my armrest, you crazy fuck. Nor do you, crazy other fuck. I don’t care which one of you gives it up, but no way in hell am I going to sit there with my arms perched zombie like in front so you assholes can do without the minor discomfort of having one arm unrested.
UGH.
Do we have any other travel rants in time for the holiday season?
Probably a minority opinion, but I don’t think anybody should use the top of the armrests. They are so skinny there is no way to use it without intruding into the next seat. Everyone should just press up against their side.
I also don’t lean my seat back since I feel like I’m intruding into the space of the person behind me.
Not really. I do the same thing. I hate people leaning back into my space, so why would I do that to somebody else? That’s one of the reasons I pay extra for an Emergency Exit row seat.
I used to politely request that the person in front not crank their seat backwards as far as it can go, since I am a tall person with long legs. That did not seem to work very well.
Now, as soon as I detect any seat-moving-back motion, I scream loudly "AAAGHHH MY KNEES! OW! DEAR GOD, THIS SEAT IS CRUSHING MY KNEES! HELP!
I’ve found that this is the only level of subtlety that has any noticeable effect on these sort of people.
I’ve won all these fights except one. It was in the junior high school auditorium and she was gorgeous early blooming blonde. Since my shoulders will extend into the adjoining seats anyway, there’s no point in you engaging me. As it is I always get an aisle seat and constantly get smacked in the back by people, luggage, and beverage carts (do they still have those?). One reason I won’t travel for work unless someone springs for first class seats. On my own dime I’m too cheap to pay the extra bucks.
Turn to one of your row-mates and say, “Hey, I was thinking we should raise this armrest between us out of the way so it’ll be easier to snuggle.” Bonus points if you bat your eyelashes but otherwise look completely dead-eyed and creepy.
Hell yes. I’m female and was stuck between sleeping guy (window seat) and big guy (aisle seat). Ended up jockeying big guy for part of an armrest until he seemed way too happy to just press his arm against mine. Ew. The only guy I’m cuddling up with on a flight is my husband, thanks.* Sleeping guy shifted at least.
I have very sensitive/ticklish sides, too, so I sometimes end up stuffing a magazine upright along my side as a defensive barrier, lest I get an elbow or something under the armrest and into my side. It went from “uncomfortable occasional thing to put up with” to “oh hell no” when I was just starting to doze off and got a poke in my side that would have launched me out of the seat if not for being belted in. (Sorry stranger, it’s not a fear of cooties.)
On that note, no pressing your goddamned leg against mine, either. Your balls are not that big that you have to sit with your legs that far apart, asshole.
Edit: I don’t recline my seat, either; it’s out of sympathy for others. My husband and I both have very long legs, and he once got his knees bruised from some bitch who vigorously insisted, over his protests of pain, that it was her right to recline the seat as much as she wanted (and forcibly pushed it back a few times to drive home the point) - and then leave it reclined when she got up to use the washroom. Pushing it back into place must have been the last straw for the abused seat, which no longer went back quite so far.
