Talk about phrasing coming out wrong. You were dating your mom?!!! Ecch!!!
You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. Your particular shape makes you special and wonderful, and everyone you meet will be delighted to be in your presence.
However, little snowflake, there is this little problem.
If I hold you, you will melt and what was a beautiful and unique shape will become a speck of water in my hand.
It’s not you, it’s me. No, really. See, I’m 98.6 degrees hot (approximately). If you even get in my general vicinity, you stand a good chance of melting. Hell, all I have to do is blow on you and you’ll melt.
Plus I’m engaged. To a flamethrower, for our purposes. A fiery redhead (although her natural color isn’t red, and she just dyed blonde again, but the spirit is there). And she don’t take too kindly to competition no matter what form it is.
I think it would be best if we just stayed friends;)
[sub]So, so, so joking. Mostly. Oh, hell, you are a beautiful and unique snowflake. You can figure it out?)[/sub]
That would be :), not ?). I do not currently have one eye sagging so badly that it droops entirely out of its socket.
While he is punha fends off another stalker, I’ll tell ya about the time I got together with friends I hadn’t seen in a while and we played cards. Of course there’s a lot of smack talking, and my friend Lee is quite accomplished at it. He has this deep booming voice and a Southern drawwwwwwllllll and will say “Gawd Dam yew to Hailllllllll” if he has to eat points.
One time he got set and just said “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” I started laughing because I hadn’t seen him in a while and said, “You know Lee, I miss your fuuuuuuuucks.” I immediately caught hell for that and still haven’t lived it down.
Not to me… but to a co-worker.
The two of us were sitting in her office, waiting for my boss to join us for a meeting. We were discussing the upcoming renovation and offices moves, and who was getting which offices. I pointed out that people were assigned office space by their grade – the higher the person was, the more floor space they were entitled to, by policy. She had never realized that’s how it worked, and was just grasping the concept that higher grade meant larger offices, when my boss arrived… and she looked at him and said, “Wow, you must really have a big one!”
I bit my lip to keep from laughing, and my poor boss – who had NO idea of the preceding conversation – was at a loss.
She realized what she had said a second later, and turned as red as a summer tomato.
- Rick
When I worked at OfficeMax we used ladders to store extra merchandise above the main shelves. When having to stock the upper area it was much easier to have a partner than to do it yourself and go up and down the ladder a million times. With two people, one could be on the floor handing stuff to the other person who was standing on the top platform of the ladder.
One day I was working with a guy on this. Out loud, he said, “you want to be on top or on the bottom?”
I was so hoping there were no customers nearby when he said this!
Happened to a friend of mine when having a conversation with a co-worker.
Friend: “Wow! You type really fast! Did you take a lot of typing classes?”
Co-worker: “No, I never took any classes. I just hunt and peck.”
Friend: “Well, you’re a really great pecker.”
Friend realized what he said and started busting out laughing. Co-worker thought it was funny too. Good thing they both have a good sense of humor.
So strange, I was just going to post a thread about foot-in-mouth disease.
My WORST case left me wanting to die right then and there. We were over at our friends place, looking at adopting a couple of ferrets. Our friends are a couple. A lesbian couple. We had been there about an hour or so, playing with the fuzzits, trying to decide which two to adopt. We were talking about work, blah blah and I was telling them about the absolute bitch I was working with at the time. Now, this ex co-worker, whom I will call P, made some inappropriate advances towards me, and another girl I worked with. So, we’re blabbing away, and I blurt out “…and I think she’s a closet lesbian” Uhhhh…WTF? I wasn’t even telling our friends about the advances…just how much of a bitch she had been. I hurried the conversation as my s/o stiffled laughter, we picked our ferts and got the hell out of there. I haven’t seen them since, and that was about 2 years ago.
Then there was the time a whole bunch of us were at another friends how. One of a friend-of-a-friend, whom we’ve seen a handful of times, has a lisp. He said the word weird and it came out like weourd. I repeated it. He didn’t hear me, but my s/o and another friend did. We laughed for about 20 minutes. I felt SOOO bad. I am so glad he didn’t hear me. It was totally unintentional. I still feel bad about it.
Not me, but a friend. We were out playing frisbee golf, which is a weekly event. He’s not having a particularly good round, and we approach a particularly long and diffcult downhill hole. He, of course, messes up his tee throw and it goes into the trees. “Dammit, why am I having problems with the high hard ones today!!” he yelled. Shortly followed by our gales of laughter. His round didn’t get any better since that line was repeated at every hole!
My mind is merciful, I can’t think of any real whoppers I’ve said (though I know there have been plenty)…
But once, when Mr. Zappa and I were newlyweds, we’d been out with friends and had a bit to drink. It occurred to him that since we’d been married, he drank less than before, so it took a lot less alcohol to get him plastered. He attempted to comment on this.
What came out, however, was “You know, since I’ve been with you, I’ve become a cheap drunk!”.
Being tipsy myself, I knew exactly what he meant… and didn’t think anything of it - until he said “Um, let me rephrase that…” and we both lost it.
This was decades ago and we still snicker over that one 
I have a deep and abiding appreciation of feminine beauty. My wife is fortunately accepting of this-she doesn’t care who I look at, she knows where I’m sleeping. She does, however, like to tease me about it … At the time of this incident, one woman I’d noticed periodically was the crossing guard at a middle school (i.e. 12-14 year-old students, for those of you not in the US) near our home. Crossing guards are usually elderly retirees, but for some reason, this very pretty thirty-something redhead was working this job.
The exchange:
Mrs. S: “I’ll bet you’d drive miles out of your way if you thought you might see a pretty girl.”
Me: “You bet! Like, if I get off of work early enough that school’s still letting out, I always make sure to drive by the middle school on Wheatland.”
<Long silence.>
Me: “Um, have I ever mentioned that crossing guard to you?”
Mrs. S: “No.”
You can explain something like that until you’re blue in the face, but you just can’t erase that initial impression.
I BET she would! 
Oh man, I used to collect these kind of sayings in high school & write them in the back of my notebook …
Ha, these remind me SO much of the Champ on Rock 101. He’s this person who always picks up on double-entendres in other people’s speech… can be quite funny, actually.
F_X
Picture it, 19 year old Ivylass, meeting Ivylad’s parents for the first time.
They’re big Ohio State fans.
Trying to be smart, perky Ivylass trills in a smarmy voice, “Oh yeah? If they’re so great, how come they’ve never won the Super Bowl?”
We’ve been together 17 years, married for 14, and I still haven’t lived that one down.
When I was in about 9th or 10th grade, I walked into my computer class where a bunch of my friends were standing around talking. I could tell they were talking about someone in the class that they didn’t like. Before I could figure out who it was, one of my friends turned and made a gun with her hands, pointed it at someone and said “Bang! Bang!”. Since I couldn’t tell who she was pointing at with the number of people in that general direction, I said,
“Who are you 'bang’ing?”
Unfortunately she is one of those to always pick up on double-entendres and the horrified look on her face made me realize what I’d just said. Oops.
I was in a Sophmore history class in HS when I enthusiastically contributed this gem to the conversation:
“Well, they now think that Abraham Lincoln had this disease where you don’t stop growing and that’s what he died from.”
I meant, “that’s what he would’ve died from,” of course.
tese are reat… sorry, te two letters of te alpabet between f and i are not workin on my keyboard at te moment and neiter are apostrope or backspace. blea!! (actually, its kind of a fun little ame wen youre bored, but very annoyin wen youre tryin to communicate and ave to keep pickin different words)… itll work aain in a few i ope.
man, uess I was mistaken about puna (sorry to butcer te name!)… I feel so terrible now… i even started pickin out names for our kids! ow could I ave been so stupid? it was rit tere in is profile and everytin… 
jk. o well, I suppose I can still follow im around te boards for a bit. (and tat eyeball comment made me lau isterically!)
anyway, my input to te tread - a friend of mine is REALLY bad at eorapy (tats supposed to be a word relation to te position of tins on te map!)… te oter day wen someone was lookin for fun…
oter friend: ey, weres Asia on te map?
lack of eorapy skills friend: isnt tat in Turkey?
really sorry about te ereious, enious (wow, can you tell wat tose are supposed to be?) typin… will translate in a few if need be…)
Friend of mine, retelling a story…(he’d gotten up on a chair to look out the window at some cute girls)
“…So I was getting off when…”
He’s never lived that moment down.
Same friend (I think he does this on purpose)
Someone was taking Human Sexuality and sharing what they’d been reading. They mentioned that the vagina is only sensitive in the outer third. He calls out, “Mine isn’t!”
My RA, having seen The Patriot, asked, “What war is taking place?” She also asking if Bagdad was near Iraq. And she’s the one with the 4.0 GPA? :dubious:
Not mine, but hilarious. A little background first.
A colleague of mine was teaching statistics to a classroom full of 30 seniors. The current topic was Combinations and a number of students were wanting some help with a particular question:
“If there are four boys and five girls lining up for a photo, how many different arrangements are possible if they must alternate girl-boy-girl-boy-?”
Good question and not so easy to explain. She proceeded something like this:
"Well, you can work out how many ways there are to arrange five girls in a row, and also it is easy to work out how many ways to arrange four boys in a row. So you simply insert the four boys into the five girls…"
Demonstrated complete with hand actions…
Needless to say the class erupted with laughter.
She took a bow.
Until you get a new keyboard, try this for your keys that aren’t working. Hold down ALT and enter the following numbers on your numeric keypad:
Uppercase G 071
Lowercase g 103
Uppercase H 072
Lowercase h 104
Apostrophe 039
Not sure what to do about backspace, might have to just mouse over your mistakes and highlight and delete them instead.