I’m sure there’ve been threads like this before, but how bout some stories of things you’ve phrased so-as to make them sound inappropriate, incriminating, or otherwise amusing?
Very Mild Example (sorry, nothing more drastic is springing to mind now): I climbed Mt. Ranier in Washington with a large group the other day, and kept seeing this one guy all over the trails… second or third time I saw him:
Me: Oh, there’s that guy again! I see him everywhere!
Friend: What guy and how do you know?
Me: Well, I recognize the back of his pants.
Friend: quizzical look
Me: no, really, I was looking at the back of his pants! I wasn’t checking him out! believe me, durn it!
I work in a Maintenance facility - a few weeks ago a guy was having trouble getting a part to remove in our database. I suggested some possible solutions to his problem, none of which worked. Finally I decided to manually remove it myself in the database and I said to him, without even thinking: “Well, I could take it off for you…” He was stunned silent for a moment (probably contemplating the offer) and then said “What?!”
Oh, I have a classic, and I did it to myself. Did you ever say something, as as it’s leaving your mouth, you’re thinking, “Oh, no! Stop! Abort! Abort!” but it’s too late, and you say it anyway? This is my personal train wreck, and I still get teased.
One time I was grocery shopping with my sister. We were in the aisle with the snacks, nuts and candy because I was looking for marshmallows. She pointed, and said, “There’s some.”
And I said, “No, those are the little ones. I’m looking for the big ones; I like the way they feel in my mouth.”
Yep. That’s what I said.
She didn’t say anything to that; she didn’t have to. There was a pause, and then we burst out laughing. We laughed for about five minutes, holding our sides, and literally had tears running down our cheeks. God knows what the other shoppers thought.
Now, if we are anyplace with marshmallows, even the little ones, she will simply point them out to me and smirk.
My legal assistant (a genius at her job, and a goddess in general) commented that some lawyers act as though she is stupid because they went to law school and she didn’t. I brightly pointed out that I knew lots of lawyers more stupid than her.
And, once when I was teaching fifth grade, we were getting ready for recess and I asked “who’s got balls?” The class giggled for a week, and I forever after referred to all sports equipment by its full name (basketball, football, kickball, etc.).
One night the S.O. and I were in bed watching a movie. She brought in some ice cream and, as I had mine sitting on my stomach while eating it, I told her I needed a straw. She gave me one of those looks and I said "well, then I could put it in the ice cream and when I’d suck on it eventually it would come into my mouth. At that instant I realized what I had just said and so did she. She couldn’t breathe for several minutes, she was laughing so hard.
I was whining about the size of a GUI window to one of our programmers the other day. They coded it so that you can’t adjust it to fit the data you’re viewing. The bottom and the right hand side are always cut off just enough that I have to use my scroll button all the time. He made a comment that, yes, the window was too small and my reply was, without thinking…
“I don’t like small things.”
What I meant was that I’d rather have full screen view, but I just babbled out an apology, and we both laughed it off.
I was at the doctor the other day to get my perscription for an anti-depressant. I mentioned that I was having problems with insomnia and he said “Well, I really can’t give out a full perscription for sleeping pills to someone who is depressed because they could use them in the wrong way. What I can do is give you a perscription for 6 pills and that might be enough to get your sleep schedule back to normal”. My reply was “Yeah, I guess I can live with that”.
You should have seen his doubletake, it was priceless.
but eh, I used to be more the “flirt thread” end of the spectrum - middle school, before I was a Christian… now I still play around but try not to be “dirty” about it. so you are not corrupting me… if anything is going to turn me into a “flaming liberal” it’s going to be some of Mr. Bush’s policies at the moment, but that’s a topic for another thread, another day. (i know, wrong kind of liberal. but, eh, ap us gov and poli got that word permanently associated with politics in my mind)
My SO had the best/worst foot-in-mouth conversation ever with my mom. We were still dating back then, but I had recently moved in with him because my roommates broke lease and moved out with no notice. (Unfortunately I wasn’t on the lease.) I was scheduled to move back into the dorms in two weeks, so I had to couch surf… but I digress.
My mom had come to check out the SO. Things were actually going pretty well. My SO and a bunch of his guy friends stayed up playing cards with my mom and I all night. Around 2am, they sorta forgot my mom was a mom and started the usual guy banter. Someone makes a comment about my SO never “getting any.” To which he replies, “Hey, I get some every night!” At this point he notices the evil eye my mom is giving him and suavely recovers by saying, “But not with your daughter.”