That Goddamn Woman Smell

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok, so I’m sitting on the bus, and this girl walks down the aisle and parks her ass in the seat in front of me. The smell hits me in the face like a brick. It sears it’s way into my sinuses and starts coagulating my lungs. I can’t fucking believe a woman can wear this much perfume. I’m tempted to stick my head out the window. I pull my shirt up over my nose, but this smell won’t be stopped by any mortal cloth. I can see the dye in my t-shirt running and the threads fraying from the strength of her stench. The paint on the bus is peeling, for fuck’s sake!

Finally I decide to move to the back of the bus but the smell follows me, taunting me the whole way. So I look at my bus schedule, it’s either two hours until the next bus, or wait another thirty minutes until I get to my stop. Fuck it, I need to catch up on my reading anyway. I get off the bus, and it’s raining in sheets. I run under the bus shelter and sit down, taking out my book. This girl sits down next to me, and immediately my eyes start burning. She’s wearing this GaWd-awful caramel perfume. It’s so sweet smelling it makes me want to vomit. That’s it, I decided, I’m walking home. Fuck the rain!

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve wanted to tell that they fucking reek. I mean, I’d prefer pit stench, ass funk, even moldy farts to perfume. Most of that shit smells like hell. And then when they do find a good scent, they wear so much of it you can’t be in same room with them.

And what is it with this new trend amongst teenage girls to wear this perfume that smells like really rank candy? Do they think that’s supposed to be sexy?

And then there’s the women who not only wear perfume, but they put so much shit in their hair you can smell the alcohol. And I sit there, tempted to flick a cigarette butt into their hair and watch them scream as their head is engulfed in flames. Then pay homage to the burning bush.

We must put a stop to this rampant air pollution. Next time your GF asks you if you like the smell, tell her the truth. Tell her it makes her smell like a department store. Tell her the smell will surely scare away small animals, small children, and freaks like me. On second thought, don’t tell her that last part, that would only encourage her.

2

I thought you were talking about that “other” woman smell. The one that I like. A lot.

I’ll just be over there. ----->

3

Men are offenders of this as well. Oh my God!

Some men put on so much cologne and after shave the stench follows them around like Pig Pen. If any man thought I would hop into bed with THAT is insane. My skin might peel off with all that shit.

No offense to any sales reps but I notice the worst offenders are sales reps. Men and women alike. (I used to be a sales rep).

4

I hate the reek of perfume. Some perfumes can be quite strong and while i find them unpleasant, no big problem. Others it seems i am allergic to and my throat starts to close i gag, cough, have an asthma attack and sometimes puke from coughing with a restricted windpipe. no fun at all. Some places I have worked with women that you could tell which halls they were in hours before from the lingering stench.

I do not understand the desire to reek like that.

5

Hmmmm… I never wore perfume in my life, until my current SO told me how much he liked it. He thinks perfume is sexy.

Guess there’s all kinds out there, Freaky.

6

Athena, don’t get me wrong, perfume can smell really good. But subtlety is the key. If I can smell it when I’m not standing right behind you or face to face with you, you’re wearing too much.

Perfume should be intriguing, not assaulting.

7

Most women smell good on their own–so why do they feel the need to smell like a walking fuit salad?

8

Why can’t I spell “fruit”?

9

In my experience the list of odor offenders is split pretty much equally between men and women. Unfortunately most people do not consider other people’s reactions when the have overperfumed themselves. The other problem is that people become desensitized to the scent of their perfume. They think it has worn off when it hasn’t and they add another great whack of perfume to their overscented bodies. Then they wonder why everyone is fleeing in horror.
Keith

10

Perfume should be a con job, not a murder.

Having said that, there are some brands that even in small doses I gag and choke on. Had to run to the freezer when at a fast food restraunt one day, right at lunch rush cause one lady had it poured on. The freezer had it’s air intake located away from the public, so the air was fresh. whew

11

It’s true.
Salespeople are the worst about this.
Especially older, female salespeople. I used to work with this lady who would pour on so much perfume and soak her hair with so much hairspray and layer on so much perfume, I wondered what she really looked like under all the chemicals and enhancements.
This lady was like 50, and though that is not ooooold, it’s still not young.

Just let it go lady! You’re old! You’re a gramma! No amount of cosmetic science is going to make you young and beautiful again! Just age gracefully, damn!

It’s sad, it really is, when people refuse to let go of their youth.
You know, The Old Guy: thinning hair, red sports car, cruising for chics at the club, blairing steely dan out of his speakers. Go home and play poker with your buddies, fer chrissake!

And The Old Chic: saggy breasts, flat butt, leathery skin, smokin’ a Newport, wearin’ a winkin’ at some guy that could be her youngest son. Go home and make a quilt, fer cryin’ out loud!

12

I thought you would like to know that your comments were the last straw in a completely shitty day. I didn’t need to be reminded that a great portion of the world thinks I am old. Since I can’t have children, I will never be a Grandma - so why should I make quilts? I don’t pick up young men, but I still hoped to believe that one could be attractive at my age - thank you for pointing out that I can only be old. Like I needed to embarrass myself by crying at work… but I still hoped that one could be beautiful without being young.

13

I think the right amount of scent is so you can lightly smell it when you’re in the person’s personal space (3-5 feet away). But I really hate it when you can smell the person on the other side of the room. Sheesh, it’s like they went to K-Mart, bought a bottle of this shit and dumped it all over themselves–how revolting. And I agree that some of the newer fragrances smell down right nasty.

14

Sassy, I’m sure Lexicon meant no harm. Look at the stereotypes he’s describing: is that you?

I, for one, agree with what he says. People that act young when they’re obviously older are pathetic. Of course there’s nothing wrong with being 50, 60, or whatever age! Just don’t dress up like Christina Aguilera when you’re 55.

That’s about the gist of it, eh Lexi?

15

My wife will be fifty in September. She is beautiful. She is younger than springtime, to steal a line. She makes no attempt to compete with younger women because she doesn’t need to. She is comfortable in her own body and with her own persona. Her red hair doesn’t need any colorizing and her body doesn’t need any enhancements. She despises copious perfume and she uses minimal makeup. She is routinely taken to be in her thirties.

Sassy, any man with you in his life is a lucky individual.

16

What I hate is walking through the mall and being spritzed by every sales lady in the cosmetic department!
Fuck off! I get migraines and strong perfumes tend to trigger it.
The ONLY scent I wear is Gap’s Heaven, because it’s light and subtle…

17

I too thought your were talking aobut that “other” smell. I was like, Freak whats up? That smell is great.
But, I agree with you. I cant’ stand too much perfume. And if someone does wear too much, it isn’t a good scent. I think there is a direct corollation between bad taste in perfume and the need to dump it in gallons.

18

My question: did you/we always feel this way??

I never really had a problem with perfume or cologne until I learned of people who are hyper-sensitive to the stuff.

I remember reading stories of people who were so sensitive that they were able to petition to have their work-places “artificially-scent-free”. I remember hearing about people who found anti-perspirant offensive.

My first reaction was that these people are completely whacked.

Then I started to notice the same myself.

A subtle whiff of perfume/cologne is o.k. but now I notice that there are so many people who seem to apply it by the bucketful. I find that now the smell is so much more offensive than appealing. Particularly the kind that clings to your clothing and follows you home a la the Seinfeld episode. The funny thing is that I never felt this way about it in the past.

Is this revulsion to these artificial smells a learned trait?

19

Here’s the deal…you don’t wear a quart of Snyder’s Eau de Rancide, and I won’t sneeze on ya.

I used to ride the bus to work, and I soon came to recognize the woman whose “aura” I needed to avoid. Maybe it was her way of guaranteeing that the seat next to her would be empty. I pictured her at the perfume counter, saying, “How do they make a profit on this stuff at a buck and a quarter a liter?”

20

I have found that men are far worse offenders in this department than women. (Thank goodness that that disgusting Drakkar Noir crap finally went out of style.)