The season starts in less than 24 hours, so it’s time for this year’s installment of what may be the longest, most self-aggrandizing (as I’m sure some of you will agree) anthology in the history of the Straight Dope Message Board. It’s the one thread every year that I most look forward to writing and participating in because it means that Steelers football is back! Oh, and the other 31 teams are back, too, but nobody cares about them, right?
So, a quick recap of last last season. Pittsburgh was up and down all season, Ben got hurt repeatedly, Le’Veon Bell started the season on suspension and then got knocked out for the year by the goons from Cincinnati, Josh Scobee and Michael Vick were nearly the death of me, the pass defense was awful all year long, red zone HaleyBall, and Landry Fucking Jones. In spite of all that, they still managed to score nearly 30 points a game with all or part of 6 games being played with backups under center, Antonio Brown still tied for the league lead in receptions despite being all but ignored for 4 games, and Pittsburgh improbably finished 11th in points per game on defense. They somehow survived two absurd, pathetic defeats to the hospital ward suited up in Ratbird uniforms and squeaked their way into the playoffs.
And then the Bengals happened. I have never before seen, and hope to never see again, a game that awful. I suppose it was entertaining, but it got way out of hand and essentially ended Pittsburgh’s season (though deservedly ended Cincinnati’s). Sure, it was a major disappointment, but it gave hope for this season.
Well, this season is here. The offense, in spite of the loss of Martavis Bryant for the season and Le’Veon Bell for the first 3 games for hitting the chiba, is going to be every bit as absurd as last year if not more so, assuming they all stay healthy. Which is a BIG if in Pittsburgh’s case. The good news is that Vontaze Burfict is suspended for the first Bengals-Steelers game, so they might actually make it through Week 3 without a lunatic actually trying to murder them on the field. I’m thinking 30+ points a game is very doable.
Good thing, too, because the defense is still very not-Pittsburgh-like. First, Bud Dupree is out for at least 6 games. There goes some of the pass rush. Next, Senquez Golson is probably out for the year (for the second year in a row), so there goes some of the upgraded pass defense. Ryan Shazier is back, but he’s seemingly made out of glass so we’ll have to see if he can actually play every game. The rookies, Artie Burns and Sean Davis, are potential yet to be realized. James Harrison is back for one more season, but Deebo’s getting old and Jarvis Jones simply isn’t getting it done. The defense is one gigantic question mark. They need to be average at worst. I think they can do that. I hope they can do that.
All the same, the pundits are hyping the Steelers to make a big run at number 7 this year. I think they can do it. Figure a loss each to the Bengals and Ratbirds in the usual bloodbath games, maybe a loss to the Chiefs, and maybe a loss to the Patriots (since Tom Brady owns Pittsburgh, or so I’ve been told), and there’s 12 wins and a playoff berth. Then, of course, it’s on to the Bengals and their unhinged lunatic who lives to hurt Steelers players and their moronic safety who is apparently also a doctor and knows, KNOWS I TELL YOU, when someone is faking a concussion. It seems like things always end up this way. Of course Pittsburgh will win because Cincinnati can’t even win when they don’t have to do anything but not actively try to lose, but hopefully there won’t be much damage done.
It occurs to me that I’ve done more talking about the Bengals than the Ratbirds. Exactly when did that happen? When did the Bengals become the more hated rivalry? I suppose it is now, but I’m still holding out on Baltimore, simply because I hate them and I’d like to see them ground into dust on their way to a 0-16 record this year. Last year was a fluke, though, so I suspect they’ll be much better, which of course makes it easier to hate them.
As for the rest of the league, Pittsburgh West looks really good this year. I’m predicting that they will make the Super Bowl over the likes of the Packers and Panthers, though with Carson Palmer under center they are always at risk of folding in the playoffs, if only his knee. In the AFC it’ll be Pittsburgh and the Patriots, with the Bengals and Chiefs just behind. Pittsburgh makes it over the hump, though, they just have too much firepower. In a replay of Super Bowl XLIII, Pittsburgh wins 35-17, Bruce Arians continues to nurse his grudge against his ex-team and 2-time Super Bowl-winning head coach Mike Tomlin, Ben gets measured for his bust in Canton, Antonio Brown wins the NFL MVP Award, and once more all is right with the world.
I can’t wait until tomorrow. And I really can’t wait until Monday night. Let’s do this!
