Each year, our diligent news media sniffs out a bunch of hot-button issues about which we are supposed to feel great concern. Some are worthy of attention. In many cases, however, I find that despite the intensity of coverage, I do not give a rat’s ass.
Of course, leading contenders for the Rat’s Ass Awards in any given year are features about celebrities. In general, I am singularly uninterested in who has gotten pregnant, who might become pregnant, who has eaten so much that they look as if they are pregnant, who has delivered, by what exotic means they accomplished this wonder of nature and what the end result was. Additionally I do not give a rat’s ass who has adopted a baby, even if the adoption involves the entire population of a small African nation by fair means or foul. There are many other celebrity categories of course, including clothing in good or bad taste and which may permit the unintended exposure of certain body parts, but infants have been especially big this year.
I have deliberately omitted mentioning specific celebrities, but note that if there were all-time Rats Ass Points Standings (NASCAR-style) for celebs, Madonna, Reba McIntyre and Angelina Jolie would be duking it out for the lead with Tom Cruise motoring rapidly up the pack.
Other stuff: my leading contender for totally insignificant crisis of 2006 would be the Tragic Underrepresentation of Males on America’s College Campuses. It really does not seem like a major problem if women study harder, get better grades and outnumber men in college. In fact I regret that the trend did not begin sooner (part of my disgruntlement with this issue stems from the fact that I am still having trouble dislodging the lyrics to Jan and Dean’s “Surf City” from my brain).
Another biggie stems from the hoopla over the World Cup. Every few years, it seems, lots of countries put on their shorts and battle for soccer supremacy, under the delusion that they are playing “football”. Awhile back the U.S. didn’t lose too badly so there were high hopes for this year. Unfortunately we reverted to form and stank up the joint, losing twice and gaining a tie with Liechtenstein thanks to their only being able to field eight players, two of them over the age of 60. We were supposed to feel deeply aghast about that despite the fact that it was full tilt into baseball season. Plus, we were expected to feel guilty about not being more inflamed about something the rest of the world was apparently giddy over, in spite of the fact the world is oblivious to our major sports fests (as a famous Texas college football coach once pointed out to his players before a pivotal game, “A billion Chinese don’t give a shit.”).
I could list many more issues of faux deep concern, including the continuing War on Christmas, the desperate struggle of French-speaking people everywhere to maintain their culture in the face of Anglophone intrusions etc. etc. But I will be happy to entertain your nominations for the 2006 Rat’s Ass Awards.
Of course, if your unconcern, detachment, boredom, ennui, impassivity, phlegm and languor are such that you do not give a rat’s ass about this thread, that is entirely understandable and in keeping with the theme. Thank you.
