My faves:
The cat purred like a Geiger counter beside the fireplace which crackled like gunfire (which reminded Detective Greenwich of his service in The Ukraine and The Latvia), this feline being the only witness to the murder of the wet nurse and, unless purring counts, he wasn’t talking. Michael McDermott, Dublin, Ireland
Upon his death, Van Helsing wrote: “This Vexes me still to-day . . . with no Mirror able to cast his Curs’d Reflection, how did Dracula comb his hair so perfectly every time and achieve such a clean, close shave that brought the babes in truckloads??” - Donald J. Hicks, Jr., Manchester, NJ
To the rest of the world, General Sir Antony Alexander Agamemnon Hardcastle may have been the Scourge of the French, the Hero of the Borghorst Pass, and the fourth-worst enemy of the late Napoleon Bonaparte, but to the waitress at the Badger’s Head Tavern and Grill, he was just another customer – and if he called her “cutie pie” one more time, she was going to do to him with one fork what Boney couldn’t with a thousand men. - Scott Lyons, Stirling, Scotland
With one bound she was at the bookcase reaching for the heaviest book she could find to halt her attacker, a thesaurus of indeterminate, inconclusive, or unstipulated weight, ponderosity, or heftiness, with which she intended to pummel, lapidate or belabor her assailant’s skull, cranium or brainpan. - Stu Duval, Auckland, New Zealand