Watch the scene in Footloose with Kevin Bacon and Christopher Penn.
How do I keep lipstick on all day, when I nibble fruit, eat yogurt, and sip water at work? I’m trying to wear lipstick now, but I feel self-conscious, like I have to reapply it after every spoonful.
Have your lips tattooed with your favourite colour.
How can I make myself write more, instead of getting distracted all the time?
That’s simple. First, you need to publish a bestselling novel. Once you do that, you’ll see the fabulous amounts of money available to bestselling authors and you’ll want to write all the time.
How can convince my boss that I should really be making at least $75,000 a year without actually having to do more work?
Hypnotize him, then tell him how much he needs to pay you and what your job description should be.
To what should I change my Dopername?
A: Club Missus
Q: Waht small European Kingdom should I conquer next?
The Vatican. I hear there’s an opening.
How can I get my altered female cat to stop humping my altered male cat?
These can use the same answer. Keep a spray bottle or water handy and spary them down every time it happens.
How do I keep bugs out of my flour?
Kiww da wabbit!
How can I stay motivated to lose weight, when My Guy likes me just as I am?
Tell him he’s allowed to gain a pound for every pound you lose, and that you’ll encourage him with beer and steaks. Give him a blow job when you both hit your target weight.
How can I rid my house of an infestation of hippies?
Watch America’s Next Top Model for three hours each day. Think about how much money Mischa Barton is making just by being thin. (It sure as hell can’t be due to her talent.)
How the hell can I get my taxes done by Friday? (When I don’t even know what happened to my W-2 form?)
Oops, I’ll answer picker’s question too…
Send in the Young Republicans!
Estimate your debt and send in a check with a half-assed return. Then file 1040X when you get your shit together.
For how much should I sell a 1991 Honda Nighthawk with 98,000 miles and exterior rust?
Go over the bike very carefully, find some rust that resembles the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus, and sell it on eBay. Golden Reef Casino will snap it up for 50K, easy.
How can I get the guy on the train to stop leering at me?
Wear a tight low cut sweater and tight high cut skirt. He’ll lose interest.
How can I get my nose to stop running?
Sit behind him.
I want to buy my wife flowers but hate being told when to do it. How long after Valentine’s Day should I wait?
Sorry Annie-Xmas. Quick post with no preview = missed post.
Snort Silica Gel.
One year.
How can I get out of work without annoying my boss today?
Leave work tomorrow.
How do I get from here to there without driving or taking a plane?
Just add a ‘t’.
How can I make Charlotte Church into my sex slave?
Go here and find one that looks like it’s full of simple-minded people who will be easily swayed by your massive pecs and disarming smile.
How can I get my border collie puppy from being so skittish around other dogs?