Little bitty quaaludes.
How can I keep from getting so sleepy at work an hour after lunch?
Quit work.
How can I completely change my life for the better?
You are a charter member of the SDMB. How much better can it get?
How do I get fundies to leave me alone?
tattoo 666 on your forehead. Tell them it’s your golf score.
How do I get my husband to do what I want him to in bed?
Give him a sleeping pill.
How do I cut up a whole chicken?
Get a big 'ol knife and slice it however you can. Chop it if you must. The leg/thigh is the easiest, because sometimes you can just rip them off. The breast meat should be fairly easy to slice.
What should I wipe my runny nose with if I don’t have a tissue or papertowl anywhere nearby and I’m too lazy to go find one?
A: Use the socks you can’t find a mate for.
Q: I don’t have alergies, what should I do with all the unmatched socks I have in my underwear drawer?
Make sock puppets!
What vegetables should I plant in my garden?
I don’t know about veggies, but I can give you some seeds for a delicious “tobacco.”
What is the best use of smileys 
:smack:
As little as possible.
How do I fix the hole in my roof?
Turn your house upside-down, so it’s a hole in the floor.
What can I do about these uncomfortable worn patches on the bottoms of my sandals?
Turn your sandals upside down so the holes are on top? No? Then glue a piece of thick felt to them. Then throw them away.
I burned some food and filled the kitchen and much of the rest of the house with smoke. What’s the best way to combat the smell?
Cut a hole in the roof, and simply let the smoke and the smell float away.
I have to give a thesis proposal presentation in a couple of days. How can I make sure it goes well, other than by preparing for it?
~ Isaac
Spend the weeking cutting holes in the floor and turning the house upside down. This will give you an immeasurable boost of self-confidence and pride, at which point you can just tell everyone to bite you and join a commune.
My commune keeps making me sleep outside because they say I snore. What can I do?
Try a nice cup of vervain tea before bed. Or just spit in their spelt muffins.
Why am I surrounded with people who can’t compose a bibliography to save their lives? (True, sadly.)
Because they’re hungry and you smell like bacon.
How can I get grass to grow again in the increasingly shady parts of my yard?
Trim back the house so that sunlight reaches the shady parts of the yard. Or get a lamp with a full spectrum bulb for the yard.
Where should I go on vacation this year?
A place where they don’t have a warrant out for your arrest.
Should I accept an employment position? I’ve been an independant consultant for 15 years now.
My serious answer: I know from experience that going from being your own boss to being an employee can involve some serious suckitude. Ask yourself if the pros (benefits, tax advantages, having others to fill in/help/blame…) outweigh the cons (having to depend on/answer to others, inflexible schedule…) enough to justify the pain of having to work for someone else again.
Flippant answer: Not if it involves a lot of squatting.
Any good allergy meds I can take that won’t affect my reaction time or balance?
Allegra, unless you buy a really big bottle.
How can I motivate myself to go to the gym more often?