They’re working from bad information. When he was working out the Date of creation, Bishop Ushher forgot to carry the two.
How can I get these scratches off my glasses?
Probably because they’re using the date that the registration card was submitted instead of checking the original receipt (another good reason not to procrastinate with those).
I bit my fingers off. How should I spend the money I’m now saving by not needing to buy manicures?
Brillo dipped in light mayonaisse. Works kinda like that “Skip Doctor” thingee.
How can I conquer the heartbreak of psoriasis?
A belt sander and a five dollar hooker.
How can I make more money doing even less work?
Sell naked pictures of yourself to Sean Factotum
What is the best way to avoid bordom on long distance flights?
Go economy. Bordom hates anything less than business class.
What’s the best way to serve a trifle?
PT
Join the mile high club!
Red Baron, or Blue Max?
Give everybody a spoon and say “dig in!”
Quote=Regallag_The_Axe] Red Baron, or Blue Max?
[/quote]
Depends on what you’re serving for dinner.
Do I have to be nice to everybody on the phone at work?
No. Once you have used up your allocation of niceness, you are required to choose one of the alternatives, as per Regulation 97-54321 (I, ii (b)) (ISO-9000 registered).
How can I stay awake at work?
Stop drinking on the job. 
How do I get more fiber into my diet, without actually eating … :dubious: fiber?
Oat bran suppositories.
Where did this bruise come from?
Something or someone broke the small blood vessels near the skin’s surface, allowing some blood to leak out under the skin. The trapped blood appeared as a black and blue mark. The blood leaked into the tissues surrounding the area underneath the skin caused that purplish color.
Why am I still at work at 7:48pm when I should finish at 6:30?
I deny all allegations that I was even anywhere near you when you “fell” down those stairs.
Is this peanut I just found any good?
Eat it and find out. Can’t be any worse than a banana/mayo sandwich.
Can I go home now?
No you may not. You need more shock treatments. 
What’s the red stuff all over this knife I just found in the mens room?
It’s ketchup. I swear. Really. And no, I don’t know where John from Accounting got off to. Why are you looking at me like that? :: shuffles away nervously ::
Why does everybody keep staring at me?
It’s the large puple hat that you’re wearing.
What grade will I get on my calculus exam?
A “Q+”.
How can I become physically youthful again?
Apply Bondo [sup]TM[/sup] generously before going to bed each night.
When will I be loved?
When you stop re-eating the peanuts in your shite!
Sorry… sorry…
How can I stop snoring?