Oh, those annoying radio ads.
You know the type of ads I’m talking about … there’s always at least one on your local radio station(s) that bothers you no end. It can be for a variety of reasons – you don’t like the business being promoted, the voice of the pitchperson, a stupid premise, or because the ad is for the Alabama Men’s Clinic, which has quickly risen to the top of my “Rather pierce my eardrums with a forklift than have to listen to this ad again” chart.
I searched for an audio file of this ad on the Internet before I made this post, so you could experience my agony with me. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), the Powers That Be who rule the Internet, led by Al Gore, have apparently decreed that it can’t be hosted anywhere. So you’ll have to take my word for some of the frustration I’m going to describe.
In the first place, a conservative estimate places the number of times this ad has run on my favorite radio station at upwards of 14 billion. I swear, at the height of its rotation, it would come on during every single commercial break. There were times I think it actually played in the middle of a song.
Then there’s the ad itself. It purports to be a call-in doctor’s show, and today’s topic “is one that affects men of all ages,” the host says. What could it be? Is it rusting lawn equipment? Canker sores? A negative 401(k) balance? What?
We’re quickly informed. The first caller is a woman, who says, “Doctor, I’m worried about my marriage. For the past few months, nothing’s happening in the bedroom … and … I don’t know what to SAY to him!”
The first problem is, this woman doesn’t sound worried. She sounds like she’s grinning so much that the corners of her mouth are about to meet behind her head and cause the top of her skull to fall off. Seriously. If ever a woman sounded giddy with happiness, this is her. You can just tell that in the back of her mind (where the corners of her mouth are meeting), she’s thinking “Thank GOD Eugene’s penis isn’t working properly any more! Now I don’t have to pretend to have leprosy to keep him from touching me!”
The doctor, however, quickly gives the solution to the woman’s (and Eugene’s) problem: the Alabama Men’s Clinic. At this futuristic physician’s office, men with an “E.D. issue” (which stands for “Eugene Definitely isn’t going to appreciate his wife calling this radio doctor to tell the world his wee-wee isn’t functioning”) can try medications that will help “even when Viagra or Cialis have failed.”
Then, the doctor says something that I think should be grounds for immediate disbarment, or whatever it is they do to doctors on the radio: “These treatments can get him back in the saddle for 30 minutes to two hours.” “Back in the saddle”? Really? We’re using that as a euphemism for sex now? I can just picture Eugene striding manfully into his house and bellowing out “Melba! I went to the Alabama Men’s Clinic! Come here, you little filly – I’m rarin’ to get **back in the saddle **with ya!” Melba, of course, will be diving out the bedroom window. I don’t know about you, but if I were to even hint that my lovely and talented wife was remotely horse-like, it would be a cold day in Hades before I could pry the spurs out of my heinie.
Finally, the ad wraps up. The doctor says something like “So call the Alabama Men’s Clinic. 205-598-7000. 205-598-7000.” And the woman gushes “THANKS, doctor!” and then the doctor says, “Here’s the number: 205-598-7000.” What do you mean, “Here’s the number”? You just GAVE us the number TWICE, you dip! If you want to repeat it AGAIN, say something like “That number again: 205-598-7000.” Don’t say “Here’s the number” like you’ve been keeping it a secret this whole time! You JUST SAID IT!
Sorry. I get a little frustrated when discussing this ad, and it makes my temper shorter than usual. Plus these spurs are really painful.
So here’s my suggestion: I say we send dozens of CDs of the song “Home on the Range” to the Alabama Men’s Clinic. With any luck, we’ll flood their offices, forcing them to close down and making it impossible for them to produce any more terrible radio ads.
While we’re at it, maybe we can chip in to hire a good divorce lawyer for Eugene.