The Alabama Men's Clinic: Apparently, their job is making terrible radio ads

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Oh, those annoying radio ads.

You know the type of ads I’m talking about … there’s always at least one on your local radio station(s) that bothers you no end. It can be for a variety of reasons – you don’t like the business being promoted, the voice of the pitchperson, a stupid premise, or because the ad is for the Alabama Men’s Clinic, which has quickly risen to the top of my “Rather pierce my eardrums with a forklift than have to listen to this ad again” chart.

I searched for an audio file of this ad on the Internet before I made this post, so you could experience my agony with me. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), the Powers That Be who rule the Internet, led by Al Gore, have apparently decreed that it can’t be hosted anywhere. So you’ll have to take my word for some of the frustration I’m going to describe.

In the first place, a conservative estimate places the number of times this ad has run on my favorite radio station at upwards of 14 billion. I swear, at the height of its rotation, it would come on during every single commercial break. There were times I think it actually played in the middle of a song.

Then there’s the ad itself. It purports to be a call-in doctor’s show, and today’s topic “is one that affects men of all ages,” the host says. What could it be? Is it rusting lawn equipment? Canker sores? A negative 401(k) balance? What?

We’re quickly informed. The first caller is a woman, who says, “Doctor, I’m worried about my marriage. For the past few months, nothing’s happening in the bedroom … and … I don’t know what to SAY to him!”

The first problem is, this woman doesn’t sound worried. She sounds like she’s grinning so much that the corners of her mouth are about to meet behind her head and cause the top of her skull to fall off. Seriously. If ever a woman sounded giddy with happiness, this is her. You can just tell that in the back of her mind (where the corners of her mouth are meeting), she’s thinking “Thank GOD Eugene’s penis isn’t working properly any more! Now I don’t have to pretend to have leprosy to keep him from touching me!”

The doctor, however, quickly gives the solution to the woman’s (and Eugene’s) problem: the Alabama Men’s Clinic. At this futuristic physician’s office, men with an “E.D. issue” (which stands for “Eugene Definitely isn’t going to appreciate his wife calling this radio doctor to tell the world his wee-wee isn’t functioning”) can try medications that will help “even when Viagra or Cialis have failed.”

Then, the doctor says something that I think should be grounds for immediate disbarment, or whatever it is they do to doctors on the radio: “These treatments can get him back in the saddle for 30 minutes to two hours.” “Back in the saddle”? Really? We’re using that as a euphemism for sex now? I can just picture Eugene striding manfully into his house and bellowing out “Melba! I went to the Alabama Men’s Clinic! Come here, you little filly – I’m rarin’ to get **back in the saddle **with ya!” Melba, of course, will be diving out the bedroom window. I don’t know about you, but if I were to even hint that my lovely and talented wife was remotely horse-like, it would be a cold day in Hades before I could pry the spurs out of my heinie.

Finally, the ad wraps up. The doctor says something like “So call the Alabama Men’s Clinic. 205-598-7000. 205-598-7000.” And the woman gushes “THANKS, doctor!” and then the doctor says, “Here’s the number: 205-598-7000.” What do you mean, “Here’s the number”? You just GAVE us the number TWICE, you dip! If you want to repeat it AGAIN, say something like “That number again: 205-598-7000.” Don’t say “Here’s the number” like you’ve been keeping it a secret this whole time! You JUST SAID IT!

Sorry. I get a little frustrated when discussing this ad, and it makes my temper shorter than usual. Plus these spurs are really painful.

So here’s my suggestion: I say we send dozens of CDs of the song “Home on the Range” to the Alabama Men’s Clinic. With any luck, we’ll flood their offices, forcing them to close down and making it impossible for them to produce any more terrible radio ads.

While we’re at it, maybe we can chip in to hire a good divorce lawyer for Eugene.

2

Pretty much all ads for medication are like that, though.

“Man, I am feeling constipated” “Don’t worry Doreen, i just happen to have a family size bottle of ex-lax in my purse” <2 seconds later> “Wow, that feels better!”

Not to mention Enzyte Bob, who constantly has that smile of “Good thing I’m into S&M, because now I’m big enough to split my wife in half” while his poor wife has that fake smile that says “Oh god, the stitches from the last time he destroyed my hooha come out tomorrow! I wonder if I can make it to Mexico before he gets home from work?”

Or my personal favorite, the genital herpes pill, where the guys finishes with “I still have genital herpes” but is apparently super excited about it, and the woman goes “and I still don’t!”, which is more likely because she gets her pleasures exclusively from Girard the electric toothbrush since finding a cold sore on her boyfriend’s weiner.

3

I gotta say, there are lots of things that suggest to me this is some kind of bogus bullshit place.

There is not a single web hit on the name, not even one, that isn’t provided by the business itself, and that includes several local business directories that they are presumably using to advertise themselves. It doesn’t appear any news organization has ever written a story about them, or anyone including customers has ever blogged about them.

Payment- cash, check or credit card.

You can arm wrestle with your own insurer over whether they’ll cover this. I don’t recall ever seeing any medical facility, other than perhaps some purely elective places like plastic surgeons who don’t do reconstructive surgery, that has payment arrangement plans with no insurer whatsoever.

The very first item on the page about the patient experience:

. The 2nd item is “All-male staff.” I can’t even see how maintaining that is legal. Surely that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. And then there’s this little line in the description,

Really, no gays here! Even though only men will be touching your junk!

Then there’s some weird stuff about “custom-blended” medications.

Apparently you can choose the duration of your boner, possibly in 30 minute increments.

Plus, they will start medicating you on your very first visit!

There’s another thing that sounds questionable to me, though I’m not knowledgeable enough to sat whether it’s dangerous. They tell you to stop taking any medications you’re already on for erectile dysfunction before your first visit, without even a suggestion to consult your own doctor about ehrther that may caus any problems.

One of their slogans is downright bizarre:

Another extremely odd thing for a medical clinic – guaranteed results after one visit or your visit is free.

Finally, there is not a single individual’s name offered on this place. Not a doctor, not a CEO, not even a celebrity endorsement.

4

The “doctor” mentions this on the radio ad, too – “Results after your first visit or it’s free!” I’ve always wondered what qualifies as a “result.” I picture someone staring intently at the patient’s personal region and saying “There! Right there! I saw a twitch! Pay up!”

5

If my staff was all-male, I wouldn’t be at the frigging doctor, now would I?

Glancing over their website, I am guessing either an herbalist, or a nutritionist. And their website suggests they are looking for patients who don’t know what the symptoms of erectile dysfunction are, so it will be easy to convince them they are cured (“You can stand on your hind legs, can’t you? $200, please.”)

Regards,
Shodan

6

I’m thinking not. The constantly refer to “physicians”, not just “practitioners” or “specialists”. And on this page:

They suggest (probably unknowingly) that pain is going to be part of your treatment. Pn that same page:

Yup, you are going to be in pain! Surgery is always painful during recovery, but wait until you experience our custom non-surgical pain! Plus, I don’t get it – isn’t it common sense to be fearful of surgery and pain both?

7

When I (increasingly rarely) listen to radio, it’s all-news radio. (Meaning, all news in between the advertisements and other filler). This is in the San Francisco Bay Area.

So, I hear frequent ads from an outfit called the Boston Medical Group. From the various descriptions in the above posts, it all sounds suspiciously similar! There must be one standard script for these ads, which the actors just read while plugging in the particular group’s name.

All the same pitches: All the stuff about rejuvenating your junk and your self-confidence! Works when all the usual meds don’t! (Don’t recall if they say it’s herbal stuff or not-herbal stuff.) All-male staff! Guaranteed results after the first visit or it’s FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

What about the private waiting areas for all our clients! The ads I hear all promise private waiting areas!

The only good news here: These aren’t the ads I hear the most. That super-ad-saturation honor goes to His Cockney-Talking Scaliness, The Gecko! And the vomit-inducing (if only because they play it so much) 1-877-Kars 4 Kids jingle.

8

I get those Boston Medical Group ones too here on the East Coast.

And you’re right about the Kars for Kids one. Every time it comes on the radio I change the station. No lie. Every single time. I actually emailed a complaint about it to the station mgrs at a couple of the stations that play it a lot, and was told by one of them that the guy who runs the organization is completely in love with the commercial and thinks everybody else must be too… <sigh>

9

Ditto – Change station, or tune out, or drive off a conveniently placed cliff. Whatever it takes.

I always figured it was a low-budget charity of some sort. They produced exactly precisely ONE ad, and have been saturating the airwaves with that same sickening jingle for many years now.

And I’m definitely sick of hearing The Gecko. There aren’t enough cliffs to drive off of!

10

If this is for real, it’s a massive breach of medical ethics to guarantee ANYTHING. As for an all-male staff, that wouldn’t bother me because lots of gynecologists advertise an all-female staff.

I wonder if this is some kind of Mexican or other offshore outfit that has an office in your city, assuming it’s not someone’s idea of a practical joke.

11

Okay, I actually looked at the website. Yeah, something’s fishy here. So, WHO are the doctors with “more than 50 years’ total experience”? Nurses? Physician’s assistants or nurse practitioners? And a discreet entrance? Oh, yeah, like I’m sure people sit in the parking lot and laugh at the guys going in and out.

Weird.

12

I hear these ads during almost every break on WJOX in Birmingham. The one that used to air before the current one was also incredibly annoying. It was some guy giving his testimonial about the place. It went something like: “I’m very successful. I graduated from college and started my own business at 25. I became a millionaire by 40 and retired. Now I have ED but I had the courage to go to Alabama Men’s Clinic etc., blah, blah, blah.”
Why the hell should I listen to you? Because you were a millionaire by age 40? Who cares?

13

I assume you’re talking about the Kars for Kids ads with the kids singing along. You ever hear the heavy metal version that pops once in a while?

14

Never heard one before, but on my drive to work tonight I heard an identical ad on Seattle radio advertising the “Universal Men’s Clinic” with a local phone number. Must be some sort of franchise operation.

15

I don’t listen to the radio any more these days, but when I used to, there was a car dealership that used to start every one of their ads - which were constant - with three loud, blaring sounds. I don’t know how to describe them. They were like an unholy union between trumpets and fingernails on chalkboard. It was one of those things that you could go for years without consciously noticing, but once you noticed, it was like being stabbed in the ear brain every time you heard them. And since this fun little fanfare started the ad, there was never any warning.

16

Yeah, there’s a clinic in St. Louis running exactly the same ad. I can’t tell you the name of the clinic because I’m usually able to change stations that quickly.

17

Do you need a driver’s license to have sex in Alabama? The FAQ for the aforementioned clinic says (among other things) to bring your driver’s license. :confused:

18

I almost mentioned this one as well; I didn’t think anything could get more annoying than that ad, but the current one tops it. I never understood why I should care about the wing-wang problems of a guy who made millions by the time he was 40. Almost half the minute-long ad was him bragging about what he’d accomplished in his life!

Based on what others are saying, this “clinic” is part of a franchise or network. Whatever else they can do, they apparently have millions of dollars to throw into radio marketing. I’m guessing some lucky account rep is about to retire off his commissions on these ad sales.

Edited to add: Shodan, this line: “If my staff was all-male, I wouldn’t be at the frigging doctor, now would I?” made me laugh out loud.

19

Sauron, I love it when things get under your skin cause you always make me laugh.

20

That’s kind of you to say. I’ll try to be irritated more often. :slight_smile: