An afterthought - you might want to consider some sort of timetable for her moving out. She’s already broken her promise not to date - what is to prevent her from “going out with a friend” every night while you continue to support her? That kind of thing will just make things harder on you.
Although from her track record, I don’t know what good a timetable would do. She doesn’t seem to regard her word as something worth keeping.
Belrix, I’m truly sorry to hear it has gone this way. I wish you were my friend in real life so we could sit down and talk about all the things you need to figure out now, and I could attempt to straighten your head out about your wife and your own worth.
One thing I would like to bring to your attention - the arrangement you currently have (with no time limit on finding a job or anyone moving out) sounds suspiciously like your marriage, except with your wife dating (more or less) openly.
You’re probably not at a stage where you want to talk about “just plain mean” yet. Please start a thread in about a year or so, and we can all tell you plainly what we think about your wife.
Sorry to hear about your situation, Belrix. Mr. Lucky moved out a couple of months ago, so I have some idea of where you’re coming from. Hang in there. Keep going to counseling, with or without her. Remember your kids love you, and keep telling them you will always love them, no matter what happens.
Cheer up on this angle of things. I was a 42-year old underweight man with full custody of an 11 yr-old child.
Six months and five days after the date of the divorce I had met and married the current missus. We’ve been together for 21 years now, and life’s waaaay better than it ever was with the ex.
Belrix, it sounds like you are the reliable one here, and I seriously think that if you want the kids to live with you, you should go for it. Unless you speak up and make your wishes clear, everybody, including you, will go with the default setting and have the kids live with your wife. Or just one or two of the kids. Once your wife realises that leaving the kids with you has advantages for her, you might be surprised. But then you have to make it clear to her, in subtle ways, that having three kids at home might hinder her dating, might mean she can’t get a “sexy” job, and that the 900 dollars will just barely cover the cost. And that if the kids live with you, she’ll have access whenever she wants it.
Go for it. Want it, and tell everyone you want it. If nothing else, the kids will feel appreciated. Don’t make this a battle, but stress in advance to anyone the benefits of the kids living with you, and the disadvantages if they do not.
No, but “being unable to keep up her part of ANY deal” would, in my book. Mind you, where I come from, saying that someone would pimp out his own mother is a less serious insult than “his word is worthless”.
{{{{{Belrix}}}}}
Document everything, it may come useful for obtaining custody of the kids (or at least to keep visiting rights, it wouldn’t be the first case I know where a spouse has no interest in the kids per se but uses them as a thrown weapon).
The divorce proceedings will be a bitch. We’ll be here whenever you need someone to listen. My email is in my profile, I’m lousy at answering though.
I agree that a preemptive strike on custody would probably be a wise move. She isn’t currently doing anything so horrible that a judge would automatically default to Belrix for custody. Everyone’s opinion on what is “fit” and “unfit” is based more on personal preference and less on health and welfare of the kids.
So she lied about dating. Happens every single day. It may be happening in your marriage as we speak! (mmmmuuwwahahahahahaha…) That doesn’t make someone a bad parent. It makes them an unhappy partner. Who knows? She may do a complete turnaround once she’s on her own.
And I agree with the posters who say someone has to vacate the premises ASAP. It’s a horrible financial burden but one that must be dealt with so the healing can begin. Sell the house. Get a cheap apartment. Something.
Belrix, I really do feel for you and your kids in this situation. It sounds very much as though your wife is taking you for a ride though - she wants all the benefits of being married without the emotional attachment.
Were I you, I’d push for as much custody as possible especially given her unreliability with money especially as you cannot afford for the children to be disadvantaged in any way. I’m sure they (and you) have suffered enough already without strained finances making matters worse.
Aside from symapthising with you, there’s little more I could say that would be of any use, except that you and your family will be in my thoughts.
I have read your previous posts - I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. But I’m with the “it’s a better thing” in the long run team. She didn’t want it to work. End of story.
Back to the money issue - give her a short deadline to find a job and get out. It’s better for you and, IMO, better for the situation. A month is not unreasonable. Or you move. Don’t stay together for long…it will degenerate into a misery for you. She has made the decisions that resulted in this decision…it’s now up to you to make it the best situation for yourself. You will not be a good dad if you’re miserable and sad and broke.
I second this. I have read all of your threads and I think your wife is a leech. This current arrangement lets her leech off you, have her housing and expenses paid for, AND she gets to date. Well how nice and convenient for her! But not very good for you. I say you need to get rid of her ASAP, even if it means she will struggle for a while. She is continuing to take advantage of you, except now she’ll be whoring it up with other men out in the open.
I also think you should try to get main custody of the kids.
People, this is my sequence of events:
She is an unfit mother because of the spending.
She’s also cheating on the marriage.
The judge may not grant more power to him because of the spending.
But he may because of sleeping around. I mean, isn’t that a breach of contract or whatever?
But I’ll acknowledge I know little about divorce and I fourth or fight the recommendation to see a lawyer. I just think she is going to try to royally fuck him over in every way possible and he should have as much ammunition as possible to fight it out.
And I don’t think she is a good mother. I think she is an awful mother. If she can’t balance a budget and have money in the bank how will she pay for anything for the kids? And if she can’t honor a simple deal…
One more thing, too. You know your kids best, of course. And definitely they will be hurt by you fighting over them. But don’t you think it will hurt, too, if you just let it slide and her automatically get custody? Kids need to know it’s not their fault, that just because Mom and Dad don’t get along that the kids are still loved. And in the long run, I see nothing but bad things for the kids if they live with her. Let’s be brutall honest - do you want them to pick up her money habits or yours?
First off, she’s “imperfect”…not “unfit”.
Secondly, a judge doesn’t give a flying fuck about someone who fucks around on their partner. Except in the most extreme cases, it isn’t relevant to the welfare of the children.
Belrix, I’m sorry it’s come to this for you. I know it seems like the end of the world, but this too shall pass. (God, I used to hate my friend who would tell me that when I was dealing with the grief of an end of a relationship, but damn her, it was true. Also, "There is no way to get through this but *through *it, and “Time takes time.” ugh)
I’ve never been in this situation, but is it possible to require the parent receiving child support payments to present proof via receipts or statements on how the money was spent? I know that friends who’ve had 50/50 custody arrangements have had creative child support arrangements, with one parent paying school fees and another paying insurance, each claiming one child as a dependent, and so on… with very little actual money changing hands. It’s something to discuss in detail with your lawyer, given your wife’s problems in this area.
You’re in my thoughts. And believe me, you will NOT be alone for long.
Really, people… I have to go with **Kalhoun **here. An unfit parent is someone who is severely abusing their kids, who is strung out on drugs or drink, or who is exposing them to persons who are abusing them – and then only if there is incontrovertible proof of that. Family court judges don’t restrict your parental rights for being an adulterer or a poor financial manager.
Absolutely. She’s worked it out so that she gets all the convenience and support of marriage with no reciprocity whatsoever. You are STILL stuck being the one pouring your all into a homelife while she reaps all the benefits. No effort on her part is required, and when you ask for it, all she has to do is tell you whatever you want to hear and she gets away with it. She has lied to you repeatedly and damagingly. You are letting your own sense of guilt and failure cloud your perception of your increasingly crushing situation.
Set a deadline. Stick to it. Pursue custody. Don’t be afraid to involve lawyers – you cannot trust your wife’s word.
NO. For fuck sake, we have a dozen people here who have been through a recent divorce who have already said this.
Then stop with the legal advice. Good God.
Ah, in Spain they do. Not for the adulterer part (that got taken out of the law books decades ago and isn’t even grounds for divorce), but for “lousy with money to the point of being unable to support the children” and for “unhealthy living conditions” (Belrix’s descriptions of his wife’s idea of cleanliness completely squick me out).
Yes, I know Belrix is not in Spain, just pointing out where my way of thinking comes from.
Ok, I’ll revise it to say “In my opinion”. In my opinion she is unfit. If she can’t pay for their doctors’ visits, for their clothes, whatever, then I think she is. And no, I didn’t mean that the judge would look at her fucking around and take the kids, I meant more along the lines of the judge would look at her screwing around and grant him more in the divorce…
But I didn’t know all divorces are this “no-fault” nowadays. And again, go see a lawyer. And get her out of the house.
Nowadays? No fault divorces have been legal in every state in the US since 1985 and in most states for around ten years before that.