And while I’m at it - stop reading her emails, stop trying to figure if/who she’s dating. There’s nothing for you there but pain. You’ve had enough pain.
An “emotional affair”? It would be one thing if Belrix were working long hours, finding reasons to stay away from home, ignoring the children, et cetera; in fact, it would be perfectly natural for the wife to seek needs and look for support elsewhere. But assuming that he’s presented a realistic view of his behavior, the wife comes off as a lying, manipulating, rationalizing, irresponsible, self-serving, controlling cuckhold. It would be one thing if she admitted to an affair (or intent to engage upon one) and apologized while making efforts to remediate the root problems. What I get from Belrix’s explanation, though, is utter guile and deceit.
And regardless of his attempts to find in her the behaviors of a good mother, I have to agree with Anne Neville, Anaamika, and others who argue that someone who pathologically engages in such behavior cannot be considered a good example to children, regardless of what the law regards as parential fitness. Having been the child of such a relationship I guarantee that she is doing no good for her children; if she were, she’d be doing her best to either a) repair the marriage, or b) come to as amicable a settlement as possible such that the parents set aside their differences as much as possible to see to the best well-being that can be provided. If she treats her husband like this (even though, if we take his statements at face value, he’s willing to bend over backward to make accomodation) then how will she deal with rebellious teenagers?
Belrix, talk to your lawyer. Get him or her to lay out the various options and reprecussions for you, from amicable joint custody to tooth-and-nail fighting. Don’t fuss endlessly over the financials; see that the needs of your children are met first. Treat the relationship like a business partnership gone sour. She doesn’t care for you, and she’s not going to “not screw [you] too badly” because you’re “her greatest best friend”; if she did, she wouldn’t be habitually lying to you. (Think about it; would you accept this kind of behavior from a friend?) Don’t believe anything she says, or any promises she makes that aren’t in writing. Don’t give away anything you don’t need to without consulting your lawyer first. Don’t let her blackmail you with the kids. Get any and all agreements in writing, and if it comes to a “he said, she said” kind of conflict, do all correspondence in writing with carbon copies to your lawyer. In short, put your kids first, and if your wife won’t make that her underlying principle, then make her last. While you shouldn’t badmouth your wife, talk to your children about what is going on; you won’t be protecting them by lying or trying to cover up, either for your wife or yourself. This is not legal advice–talk to your lawyer about that–but strategic planning to extract yourself from a dead-end, parasitic relationship with the minimum of pain. Sorry for the harsh words when you’re already down, but damnit, you need to pick yourself up and take care of yourself rather than looking out for her and hoping she doesn’t ream you too badly, if only for the sake of your kids.
And as for finding someone else–there are plenty of women in a similar position who would be be grateful to meet a man who is so accomodating, has good financial sense, and cares about his family, even if he is overweight. Some of them, I have to assume, can even keep a promise and not screw around behind a partner’s back. If this honestly describes you then I think you’ll not have to be alone for too long, although you should give yourself time to recuperate and realize that it’s going to be difficult.
This is by far the wisest piece of advice anyone as so far offered.
Good luck to you.
Stranger
A moment of weakness this morning. I told her I didn’t want to separate, I thought we could work it out. We’ve been having a pretty good two weeks or so but she’s right, we’re barely seeing each other. She’s probably been out 3 nights out of 5.
I don’t know if I really want to keep her or if I’m trying to avoid the fear, uncertainty & doubt that comes with the complete change of lifestyle this represents.
She’s angry because I’ve told our friends that I’m not willing to give completely up yet. She says that I’m making her look bad; making her look like this is all her fault. She’s telling me that until I admit my fault in the relationship - something I’m still fuzzy on - that there’s no reconciling to be done.
I do think that once we move apart, that it’s over. This “long separation” thing is just crap, IMO. I think that once apart, once we start looking for new friends & lovers, the excitement of that new life will prevent any reconciliation. Part of me says, Yes!, it’s good. Part of me regrets.
I agree that the best revenge is living well. I’ve got a previous divorce in my past, no kids, and it was wonderful to just walk away and never look back. I’m probably doing better than my first Ex- ever anticipated. …well - at least up until now…
God, what am I doing? Pee or get off the pot my mother would say.
Vacilatino, thy name is Belrix.
Since we are only hearing one side of the story (of course) there’s really no way to be sure, but from what I’ve read your “fault” seems to be that you would like her to keep a reasonably clean house and not over spend the budget. I don’t really consider that a fault. Does she think money and housekeepers are going to magically appear when she is single again?
So you’re making her look bad. Wah. You’re trying to save something you value. It’s a shame she doesn’t value it, too.
If she’s been out three nights out of five, you definitely need to go for custody. I agree with you that a long separation is not reasonable. I really think she’s wanting to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants you to support her while she has fun. I hope, for your sake, that you don’t allow that. It’s not fair to you.
My friend, this woman is making you miserable. Don’t allow her to do that anymore. On some level she knows she’s been acting like a spoiled brat, and she wants you to admit fault in the relationship so she can blame you instead of herself.
You’ve been nothing but sensitive and understanding to her - My gut instinct is that she wants you to show her tough love instead. She needs to be told that it damn well is her fault, and she needs to start acting like an adult. She can use the reality check, and it will do you some good to assert yourself.
I am going through a divorce right now also. It isn’t easy and my heart goes out to you.
My main focus as should be yours, is making sure the children are safe and secure. That means no fighting in front of them especially if one or both of you will get nasty. That is hard but I have found that my not saying anything to the ranting, it quickly stops at one or two comments.
If she comes back, make sure it is for the right reasons and make sure you will be able to trust her again.
It is a hurtful process no matter how easy you want it. Once you accept that it is going to happen, try your best to protect yourself and your kids. Those that say go for custody are being unrealistic. Try for open custody with two residences, your odds are better. It is been my experience that women who want to sow their oats, have no problem having a babysitter 24/7 and you will most likely have the kids more this way without saying you are going to take them from her and have her getting ready for a battle.
There is always one partner that has bad feelings. I guess this is your position right now. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of your logic. I spend every waking moment trying to keep it together and making myself count slowly backwards from 20 before I respond in any way to anything my husband has to say. You can avoid saying stupid regretful things that way.
You will find someone. I think I am pretty great ( and modest) after the separation I met and fell deeply in love with a 400lb man who has dignity and character. My soon to be ex is perfect weight and height, nice body with a “rock star” persona. It is what is inside that counts. Especially when you are mature and know what matters.
Good luck to you and the kids.
Um, maybe because it IS her fault? Christ, the nerve of that woman. And I say this as a woman who got divorced not all that long ago, and I was the one who wanted it while my (now ex-)husband did not. He told all our friends the same thing and you know what? I let him. It was true. And yes, it made me look bad and it damaged some of my relationships with those people. Instead of whining to him about it, I talked to our friends about it as openly as I felt was appropriate and let them decide how to continue. I’ve retained most as friends, and lost some. It hurts, but divorce hurts. There’s no way to get through it without some pain, and that’s what she’s trying to do. She’s acting like a child.
I assume you’ve asked her point-blank what your fault in the relationship is? Because as far as I can tell, it’s not letting her have her way every moment of the day.
All of your threads about her have (from money to kinky sex to the mundane) have glowed with love and understanding, even when you’ve been frustrated or puzzled. Your only transgression has been not to let her off easy when she wants an easy out. Too bad for her.
Ok. It is is shit-or-get-off-the-pot time.
First: Get an attorney. A Good one, expensive or no.
Next: she has credit cards on joint accounts in her wallet. You need to take these (preferably when she’s not expecting it, like when she’s in the shower) and cancel out those accounts/cut up those cards. ATM too.
Next unless she has her own PC, her having a PC at the residence is not in your interest. Moving it lock-stock-barrel out of the house while she is out is in your interest. This stops her cybering with Vince and gives you evidence to support infidelity charges later on should you need it. If you can’t remove it, print out the relevant files, get copies to your lawyer, and then virus-bomb the PC so that it is no longer operable. Do Not Agree to the purchase of any replacement unit.
Next, don’t abandon your residence. She’s the problem; if she wants out, tell her she’s free to leave. Make it clear that you and the kids are staying; she and Vince can go live wherever they wish elsewhere.
Keep in mind that I’m not an attorney and that you need to go see one now.
Oh, and stop sleeping with her. Not even once more. Really.
Sorry. I’m too old school. If my wife even suggested that she was considering dating someone while still married to me that would be it right there. What kind of counselor does not condemn this attitude, if reconciliation is the goal?
Get a lawyer, man. I know it hurts, but it will hurt a lot worse if you don’t CYA right now. She has left the marriage. Accept it.
Well, I don’t have much to say that I haven’t said already, Belrix. Just know that you deserve to live a life with dignity, with someone treating you with respect, honour, and love. Do what it takes to get that in your life and don’t settle for less.
For the sake of your children, don’t let this drag out until you have no self-respect left, or until you absolutely hate her. You will have to deal with this woman for many years with your children, and it will be much easier if you can still stand to be in the same room with her. If she keeps hurting you, it will make it harder to tolerate her in the future.
Is it just me or is there a double standard here? If the sexes were reversed, SOP would be for Belrix to chuck the errant husband out on the street. And we’d be praising her for so doing. So chuck her out on her ear and arrange childcare. And get a lawyer.
I’ve always wondered why people (women mostly) are so anxious to jump right into something with another person when a relationship goes bad. I even posted a question about it on here in GQ because I was wondering if it was ever studied and it got moved to Cafe Society I think.
I guess Jeff Foxworthy had it right when he said:
“Guys, if a woman says to you ‘I think we should start seeing other people’, trust me she has already cut a pony from the herd and if she ain’t riding him yet, she has definitely pulled the saddle out of the barn.”
-Jeff Foxworthy, “Totally Committed” 1998
Dude, I feel so badly for you. The situation you’re in sounds incredibly painful. I realize that you’re not ready to get divorced yet. You will soon. One day you will have had enough and you will be willing to walk through the fire that is divorce. Until then, try to focus on yourself for a bit. Exercise to get rid of the churning gut feeling. Take long walks with your kids and try to prepare them for what’s coming ahead.
We can’t force you to be ready for this. But we’ll be here to listen when you are.