Until recently, my wife and I were members of a Christian church. We attended weekly, participated in most activities, were members of committees, and contributed our tithes. It was good, satisfying even.
Earlier this year, our first child (a boy) was born. I wept–and I mean wept–for two days. Every time I was able to sneak away for a few minutes, I cried like a baby, and I’m not usually a crier. Gradually I realized that I was simultaneously overjoyed by my new beautiful child and–to my horror–heartbroken because my faith essentially died the moment I laid eyes on him. I looked at him and realized that I could no longer believe in a God who would allow him to burn in Hell forever, whatever the reason. I had been struggling with my faith since college for the usual reasons (the Problem of Evil and whatnot), but this was the last straw.
I thought I would witness the miracle of birth and my faith would be renewed. I thought, as a father, I would gain patience and wisdom and steadily become more like my role model grandfather, who was a universally beloved deacon. Instead, we haven’t gone back to church, and while my wife doesn’t necessarily miss it, she does want to return eventually, and she’s looking to me to decide when.
I need guidance here. What do I do? I don’t like the idea of raising my son as an atheist or agnostic. Half of my family is agnostic, and most of them are better people than many Christians I know, so it’s not that I think he’ll end up “bad” or anything, and it’s certainly not a question of social status as some may assume. I guess I just want him to have faith in something higher than us and to get to experience all the wonderful things our church has to offer… I just don’t know how I can talk to him about it or participate myself. I can’t lie to him. Also, I don’t want him to have to deal with the pain of losing faith and the resulting vacuum, as I have. Really, even keeping faith in today’s world is difficult enough that I feel pity for those who I know struggle with it, so it could be painful either way as he gets older and more intelligent.
Don’t raise him as anything. A child can’t be an atheist, any more than they can be a Christian.
When he is old enough to understand the distinction between beliefs, allow him to be exposed. He’ll decide whether any of those beliefs deserves his ‘faith’.
Fair enough, children aren’t typically “deep” enough for true faith, so that makes sense. I think I’m just seeking the path of least regret, from the standpoint of someone who had a great childhood in the church and who still envies the faithful.
Yeah, I should’ve elaborated on this. Hell is what pushed me over the edge, but even if there is no Hell–a concept I’d be more than happy to entertain–I still don’t know if I could worship God again. If God exists, and he isn’t evil, he’s still not really caring either, so why bother. So I’m back in the same boat.
First off, congratulations on the baby! Many long years of happiness and health for all of you.
Does your faith express that children go to hell? Many Christians believe that children are spiritually innocent until the enter adulthood (“age of reason”). Or are you objecting to the idea that your child could ever be judged as sinful, even in his adult life? If it’s the second, I assume you’ll have a harder path since that’s a pretty central tenet to the whole Christian religion.
If you’re having a crisis of faith and don’t want to just cast if off, perhaps you should talk to a minister from your church and express your concerns. You may hear a response that’s reasonable or comforting to you. Or at least feel stronger resolve to leave your church and either find another one or else make whatever decision you think is best.
For what it’s worth, I have no vested interest in what you believe but thought you might want a perspective besides “run away as fast as you can forever”.
You could join any one of the hundreds of religions out there that don’t believe in Hell, or eternal damnation or a vengeful and angry god.
I’m not anti-religious, by any means. But, like you, I can’t wrap my brain around a supposedly omnipotent being who would make flawed humans and then punish them for it. That’s not a god worthy of worship to me, but only of contempt. So I searched and searched until I found people who believe, roughly, what I do. I found that in neopaganism. You may find it elsewhere.
You are facing a grown up moment here. You no longer believe what your parents do and what they taught you as a child. That’s okay. It’s scary and disorienting, but it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t believe anything. It doesn’t mean you’re the only one who believes what you do. Whatever you do still believe (no matter how heretical or bizarre you currently think it may be), there are others out there who believe the same or something very close to it. You can still enjoy the religious and social benefits of belonging to a church…you just need to find the right one for you.
ETA: For what it’s worth, I’m agnostic myself. In neopaganism, that’s not unusual. I still have a fairly rich spiritual/religious life, I just no longer worry about whether this “god stuff” is “real”.
I don’t believe in a God. If I believe in any kind of god, I believe that everyone of us are gods.
If you take this universe. And realize how complicated it is, it is almost like a god. Then, god has effectively made a problem it can’t solve - itself. So it brings forth thinking rational creatures, like us, to solve the big questions.
We are the universe, manifest, trying to figure ourselves out.
Which makes us all gods.
I tell you all this because I don’t believe you need to believe in something higher than ourselves. Aren’t the dreams of Truth, Justice, Peace, Freedom, and most of all, Idealism and Romanticism enough? Those are pretty big fucking dreams for us! And unlike a God, I think those can be made real.
God as written in the books is far too simple, i think. Really, God did not make us in his image - we made him in our image.
So basically your kid is going to come up with his own worldview anyway.
I was raised a christian and wish I could have made my father regret every moment of it. I consider religious indoctrination to be equivalent to child abuse because of the way it scarred me.
But church is not just about religion. In fact, I think religion is just a backdrop for the socialization. This is certainly one of the main reasons your wife wants to go back.
Do make sure that your wife understands where you are at. You cannot lie to her any more than you can lie to your son. If her faith is still strong, you have to find some compromise so that your son does not end up a ping pong ball between your opposing beliefs.
Oh, and embrace the vacuum of faith. Nothing is greater than god. Much greater. It beats god hands down. Nothing is absolutely awesome.
I wasn’t raised with any faith, and I have never missed it. I don’t ache for there to be a higher power than ourselves–because I know there is, and it’s called physics, har har. I believe humans are fundamentally well-intentioned, and that belief comforts me.
The one thing I do miss is the community connectedness that comes with belonging to a church. I can’t think of other social networks to which people are as dedicated, or which provide as many benefits.
Thank you for the congratulations, and I appreciate the perspective. I knew I’d get a variety of intelligent opinions here.
I may try to speak with a minister, but I’ll have to find one that I can trust to not club me over the head with guilt or some such. Good suggestion.
I have a friend who I greatly admire who is a neopagan, and I’ve spoken to her on occasion about her beliefs. I may hit her up again to find out more.
I agree that the Christian God is somewhat of a stock character, and I like your ideas.
You’re probably right; I want him to be an independent thinker, and if he is, he’ll probably make up his own mind. I just want to provide him with a background of love, honesty and clarity on which to build.
Sorry about your experience. I’ve heard some horror stories about being raised in not-so-helpful religious environments.
You’re absolutely right; the wife still believes and misses the social component. This is big part of my conundrum. I have two people looking to me, one who still believes and one who depends on us to provide a foundation that will readily allow him to ultimately determine what he will believe. I don’t want to alienate or let down either of them.
I’ve read about the Unitarian church, never gone to one. It might be a possibility for the short term, if I can find one anywhere near me
I don’t believe humans are fundamentally well-intentioned, but I guess that’s just my negative perspective.
Carl Sagan said, “[T]he cosmos is also within us. We’re made of star-stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” which I’ve always thought is a nice perspective on science and its position relative to religion.
Why can’t your wife go to church on her own? My grandparents did just that – grandma attended church, grandpa didn’t. If anyone asks her about it, she can tell them it’s none of their business why you don’t go.
Alternatively, the Unitarian Universalists can provide a church and socialization, with a lot of human-affirming and positive messages.
Way I see it, we’re an accident of the universe, collections of atoms that have become self-aware. Love, goodness, honesty, clarity–these concepts have no existence outside us self-aware collections of atoms.
Which makes it all the more important for us to uphold these values. We can’t count on a God to do it for us. We’re all we’ve got. My wonderful daughter isn’t going to heaven after I die; she has no eternal fate. All she’s got is her time on earth, and so it’s paramount that I help her make this experience as good as it possibly can be.
Atheism doesn’t remove moral responsibility. It increases it magnificently.
Congratulations on your baby boy! He’s blessed to have such loving parents.
I think one of the best gifts a parent can give his child is the ability to think and choose for himself, especially regarding faith. If your wife is happy to return to church, and you cannot do so in good conscience, then I echo the sentiments of letting him go with mommy if he wants to. He may get a lot of good socially out of it, regardless of what he eventually chooses for himself. As you can see from your recent experience, little is decided when young; it isn’t until later when enough information is added up that an adult decides what to believe in. And, regarding faith, it IS faith, which means fact don’t really factor into it. But if it’s a good church, and welcoming and social, he can learn a lot there that has nothing to do with any god.
Congratulations on the baby, but I’m afraid I don’t get what your whole crisis is all about.
I was born ‘Jewish’, but when I got to the age when I would have to start attending Hebrew school, my parents let me choose. Why any kid would choose to go to MORE school rather than have that extra time to play or watch TV is beyond me. We would still do Jewish things (Yom Kippur, Hannukah, etc.) to spend time with the religious members of my family, but I never felt religious. If I had wanted to be or wanted to be a different religion, I have no doubt my parents would have been fine with it. We have a cousin who is a Buddhist monk. That said, I still ended up marrying a Jewish woman.
I say, expose your kid to the religion and see what their own opinion is. If they are into it, then great, and if not, then don’t go to church. I imagine your family and his peers will largely control that decision, but so what?
