The child I put up for adoption 26 years ago has found me.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’m breathing. I may hyperventilate! :smiley:

To answer, no, I haven’t found my birthmother - it’s really complicated (SHE was adopted too!) and there are about 3,000,000 people with her same name so I’m not getting anywhere there but it doesn’t matter that much so I’m good with that. My son, he knows about Meghan (that’s the name I gave her when she was born) and I haven’t told him yet that we’ve been in touch - he’s on leave from the Navy right now with a buddy of his and they went to Vegas and LA. Since I’m SURE they’re both in their respective hotel rooms reading the Bible I figured I shouldn’t bother him until I know a bit more. :wink:

22

I was the same age when I was reunited with my birth parents.

I’m 42 now and it’s a rare day that I don’t talk to or text one of them.

I hope for all the best for you!

23

This is so exciting!

(<—an adoptee who found her birth mother.) I wish it had been a richer experience as it was kind of hit or miss and she died not too long after we met BUT…

The first time I talked to her on the phone I was star-struck that we sounded just alike. Up until we met, the only person I’d ever seen who looked like me was my older son. I felt a visceral joy.

I’d be freaking out, too. Jumping up and down, sick to my stomach, flooded with the possibilities and shaking in my boots. As Joe Biden said, “This is a big fucking deal.”

IF you don’t hear from her soon, you might want to go ahead and contact her again. She might need to feel that you’re…reaching, too. I wish you all the best!

24

I’ve been reading this thread today and I just wanted to check in and see how it was going. I hope it works out and she is who she says she is and you guys build a WONDERFUL relationship together.

:slight_smile:

25

Thanks, everyone - I’ll let you know what happens. Becky2844, I intend to if I don’t hear from her soon - the same thing occurred to me. :slight_smile:

26

How wonderful and exciting, congrats! My (favorite) cousin joined our family again 28 years after my aunt put her up for adoption - she’s the best and I’m so glad I know her.

27

Missy2U, I’m not adopted but my father left when I was very young. I connected with him when I was around 23 or so. He was cordial, but not warm and he never initiated any contact. When I wrote, he wrote. He never stepped up. After about six months I decided it just didn’t mean that much to him, so I stopped. And he stopped.

I think if she reached out to you, it’s ok to call back. She’s tried twice, three times if you count the email. She might need a little help from you. Go ahead and call, but let her drive the tone of the convo.

I’m verry happy for you both. I hope all goes well!

28

Count me in as being happy for you.

29

I can’t even imagine how stressful and exciting this must be for you! I hope everything goes well and you have a chance to reconnect. Hey, maybe you have grandkids!

30

Wow, that is wonderful…why am I crying?! Congratulations!

31

I too hope this goes well for both of you.

Since there seem to be other adoptees and parents who parted with their children in attendance, a story and a question.

I’m adopted. As an infant. Known my whole life, as my parents told me from the beginning.
They never told me the whole story, though. It took the world’s largest coincidence to bring things out.
At 16, I was spending the summer with my 10yr older sister and her husband in their city.
I met and well, became intimate with 2 girls -sisters - through the summer. One morning at 5am as I was getting home, my sister said “we have to talk.” Turns out I had other siblings from my biological family. Older sisters, named A and B, just like the sisters I was hanging out with.:eek:

After some Q&A with them, it turns out, no it wasn’t them, but it led to me getting some more information from my family.

Turns out there were 5 more siblings besides me. We were all taken away by Child Services because of health and abuse issues and I was put with a nice family. One by one, the others were returned home.
As happens with kittens, puppies and abused cheerins, the nice family said “We’re keeping him.” After much legal wrangling, I became a Smith instead of Jones and we moved out of state.

Jump to 1998, a year before my parents passed away. I get a phone call. Long story short, they’ve all been looking for me. This new internet thing all the kids are talking about proves helpful in this regard.

I spoke with one older sister and a younger brother that night. My main take-away from that conversation was “you’re the lucky one. you got out.”
We agreed to take things slowly, and meet if it seemed right. That was 1998. I’ve spoken with a sister once since then, and we’re friends on Facebook, but that’s mostly it. They did let me know a couple of years ago that my bio mom had passed away, and now I feel bad that I never spoke with her at all.

I have friended all but one sister on Facebook. Can’t find her, and too afraid or stupid to ask the others. We’re all in limbo with no communication or plans.

Here’s my question: What would you do?

I was raised by wonderful parents, had a good childhood with a good family, traveled the world, married a beautiful girl, have 2 wonderful kids and have a decent life by most people’s standards.

The other side of that coin is I’m average. I have 2 sisters, my wife has 2 as well. We have bushels of nieces and nephews, the BIL’s, her parents and extended family.
I feel I have enough “troubles” on my plate as it is. Not that I’m responsible for everyone, or that everyone’s problems are my problems, but you know how it is with a big family. There’s always some drama - real or percieved - going on with sisters, kids, etc. My 2 sisters haven’t spoken to each other since my parents’ funeral, and not for 10 years before that!

If I go nuts and invite everyone into my world, I feel like I’m opening a can of worms with no idea what will happen. No, they won’t beg money or want to come live in my shed, but I don’t know how it will affect us all.

I don’t sit and pine for my lost family. I hardly think about them at all. I wish them well, but can’t even be bothered to keep a conversation going on Facebook.

Is there a clinical term for my feelings or am I just a huge asshole?
I’m cool with either.

32

Congratulations!
My guess is that she searched and reached out, but now that you have responded, she too is freaking out a bit.
She is probably having some conversations with friends/spouse and thinking of all the possibilities of good/bad that can happen if you two do talk/meet.
I am sure this is a situation she always hoped for, but now that it is real, she needs to process this one more time.
I think curiosity will eventually win out, but give her a minute.

BTW, if you do feel the need to make contact first, perhaps you could attach some family photo(s) to the email? Just a thought.

33

Thanks, DMark - that makes a lot of sense. I’ll give it awhile. Thanks for stopping me from calling - I think I kind of knew that that was a bad idea but I appreciate the validation. :slight_smile:

ducati, I don’t know what to tell you - you don’t sound like an asshole, you don’t sound like anything is wrong with you in my opinion - it sounds like you’ve moved on and have a good life! Enjoy it and don’t feel any guilt for not inviting other people into it if you don’t want them in it! Seriously - you don’t owe anyone anything. If you’re happy, don’t go there if you don’t want to! Take care of you, your wife, and your kids - you don’t owe anyone anything.

I hope I haven’t stepped on your toes or hurt your feelings - if I did, I don’t mean to - I’m not always good at saying what I’m thinking.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I’ll update when I have an update to give.

34

After my father died, I learned he had fathered a third daughter out of wedlock. It took about 15 years to locate her. She lives too far away for me to visit, but we have talked on the phone. I was relieved to learn she hadn’t grown up in abject poverty like our other two half-sisters had.

What do Dopers think about Missy2U e-mailing to her daughter a link to her 2007 thread?

35

I think direct communication is better than linking to an old thread. There may be a time to send that link, but I think it would be long after the ice is broken.

I third the idea of calling back if you don’t hear soon. You’ve got more experience and can probably help make the ice breaking a little easier. I know you’re on tenderhooks, but you child has reached out to you and may now be in a quandary of “maybe she doesn’t want to hear from me.”

best of luck on getting connected and a positive outcome.

36

When I was 42, my mother called me to tell me I had a new sister. Mystified was I, since my mom was 80.

Turns out that she had had a daughter in the 1940s (!), a result of a sexual assault. A boyfriend of hers married her so there wouldn’t be awkward questions at the hospital when she gave birth (single mothers were frowned upon back then). However, they did give her up for adoption, then stayed married for about 7 more years.

Then, nearly 60 years later, my long-lost sister contacted Mom. My dad (Mom’s 2nd husband) was leery at first. But my parents ended up making about one out-of-state trip a year to visit her and her family. She’s a wonderful woman, who looks remarkably like my mom. I haven’t had a chance to meet her face-to-face, but she and us 4 younger siblings have befriended each other on FB.

My mom passed away last year. I was glad that she was able to share her last 5 years with her first-born daughter. She had kept her existence a secret from her sons (my sisters knew they had a long-lost sister), so it must’ve been stressful hiding that fact at times. (My original birth certificate said I was 4th of 4, not 5th of 5.)

37

I think you’re exactly where you need to be. :slight_smile:

38

I found my birthmom when I was 33. She’s a very nice lady and I have two half-sisters, the eldest of which is only 20 months younger than me. We have had some visits, and correspondence, but I think she wants more from the relationship than I was ever looking for. She sends eleborate hand made gifts to my two daughters and my feelings now are just guilt. (And this is weird, but I don’t like the names she gave her daughters so I kinda feel I dodged a bullet there…).

It was exhilirating when I first met them. To see the physical resemblance. But I honestly don’t really care to maintain it anymore. I must be a total asshole too, but I feel like well, you gave me away and NOW you want to play family??? I did a lot of reading about the whole “baby scoop era” and read “The Girls Who Went Away” and I think I would have felt better if my birthmom had said that she didn’t want to give me away, or she cried for days, or named me or something, but she was very blase about it and hasn’t ever expressed regret - actually she kind of sounded like it was just some crazy adventure she had or something. Told me about the home she stayed in and how they induced her early so she could go home for Christmas. Very impassive.

I dunno. I mean, I met her whole extended family and all I felt was overwhelmed. I don’t know these people.

I will admit I have battled issues relating to the adoption. It is not rational, but it makes me angry. Still dealing with it, I guess. Part of it may be the crappy relationship I had with my real (adoptive) mom. Sigh.

Take it slow, don’t have any expectations. She may be really interested for awhile, and then have a cooling off period. Or, you guys may hit it off and be fast friends. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

39

I did not need to read this.
I am very excited for you and your daughter and I hope everything is wonderful for you both.

I could never put myself or my birth parents through a meeting. Knowing they gave me up so I could have a better life and the family that raised me was utterly devastated by genetic issues that were unknown until years and years later. They are all gone except Mom, who is 86 now and lives in Depressionville.

I straddle the line between* what could have been and what I’ll never have that other families out there have* and Yanno, compared to other people out there in real families, I’ve had it pretty easy. It’s a quick swing in either direction.

I couldn’t put them through that. It would destroy them.

40

No advice, just wishes that it all turns out well!