The city of Orlando, FL failed to be evil today.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I drove over there from Tampa today to attend a convention, and have returned in a condition of aggravated perplexity. By all appearances, something wasn’t going on in Orlando today, and that something was evil.

This is not intended as a slam on Orlando. To the contrary, it’s quite a pleasant city, which also happens to be reliably and predictably evil. Or at least it WAS. Until today.

I should mention, for the benefit of those unacquainted with the traffic situation in central Florida, that Interstate 4 in the Orlando area has historically been subject to continuous construction and widening since roughly the mid-18th century. In order to add a lane of highway, it would be necessary to block off two other lanes, which in turn would necessitate the addition of another lane and the subsequent partitioning of two more lanes, until at last vehicles would be diverted into the hypothetical ‘hidden’ dimensions predicted by superstring theory, and all molecular motion would cease.

If by some enigmatic quirk of fate this situation failed to occur, Orlando would generously arrange for some other hideous, generally traffic-related, misfortune in its place. I have been lied to by road signs and highway markers; lured out into ridiculously long detours where I was effectively mugged by an endless succession of tollbooths; I have seen truck tires ripped from moving semis by pure psychic force to be sent crashing into my vehicle. Well okay to be fair, I’ve only had that one truck tire crash into me. But the point is it happened in Orlando.

I’ve long ago given up holding any real malice toward Orlando for such behavior. That’s just the way it is; like any other metropolitan area, Orlando has its own unique character and personality. In this case, it’s the warm, welcoming smile of an unstable relative who suddenly kidney-punches you for no good reason. I’ve accepted this, even learned to expect it.

But today-- today! Memorial Day weekend! I get on I-4, and reach Lakeland, and there’s still no signs of construction work. I get to Polk City, and traffic is still humming along. It was quiet… TOO quiet. Clermont-- surely there will be traffic cones and chaos at the Clermont exit? But no! By the time I neared Kissimmee I was freaking out, waiting for giant spiders to come leaping down at me from the Osceola Parkway. But there was nothing. I arrived at the convention completely unscathed, save the love bugs.

Oh, I knew it wasn’t over, of course. There was the drive home to consider; that’s when it would happen. Sure enough, just as I cleared the downtown area, the radio announced a major delay heading west between Conroy and Kirkman. I resigned myself to an interminable delay… and there was nothing. NOTHING! No delay whatsoever! No traffic at any point on the drive home! I’m back, it’s over, the day is done, and I’m STILL waiting for Orlando to attack me!

This is unacceptable. We had a deal, Orlando. We had an arrangement: I come into town, you get a free shot at me, I conclude my business, and you let me leave. It wasn’t a great arrangement, it was actually fairly crappy from my standpoint, but it WORKED, and now I don’t know what to think. Where were you today? What went wrong? Are you feeling okay? Were you in the middle of doing something extra-horrible to someone else, and just couldn’t make the time for me? This thing we had going, is it over now, just like that?

What are you up to?

2

We’re working on some new sinkhole projects. And some extra-annoying Disney movie theme songs. Sorry, you caught us during the planning stages. We’ll be sure to get you next time.

3

I am convinced that if Florida ever completes all the highway projects the entire state will sink into the sea and the Gulf of Mexico will merge with the Atlantic.

4

No, it IS evil, it’s just too distracted with trying to break all the instruments my husband needs to do his job, therefore keeping him in Orlando on a very long business trip, that it just didn’t have time for you.

5

Have my children. That post was just the essence of Orlando driving. Seriously, I bow before you :slight_smile:

6

I just returned from a week-long visit with the mouse and was utterly amazed at the lack of congestion on I-4 and 194… It was just…wrong. I was expecting to hear Rod Serling’s voiceover at any moment. My mother-in-law has lived in Florida for the past 40 years so we have quite a bit of seasonal experience with the traffic and this is the first time we’ve ever had such a smooth ride. Thank you, Orlando.

7

I’ve noticed that construction on US19 has sort of faded into the background; this is also true of US75 in the Sarasota area. If the same is true around Orlando, then it is really the beginning of the end and we are all doomed.

8

Traffic was unusually light in Toronto as well today. I get the impression that this is just a pregnant pause before some extra-horrible traffic event, like being stuck in an unairconditioned taxi behind a garbage truck in an unexpected traffic jam right by a gas station where the prices are being raised hourly, while an abandoned baby wails in the car on one side, and the foulest, most misogynistic speaker-rattling crap “music” pounds from the car on the other side…

9

You mean Monday mornings?

10

Or rain. Or a leaf blowing past the window. You know: one of those sudden unexpected events that cause Toronto drivers to panic and go into death spins.

(Man, am I glad I take the bus…)

11

If you guys down south can’t find your road construction workers, it’s because they needed all available hands to mess up Tallahassee for the summer. They’re adding lanes to I-10 and redesigning a lot of the exit and entrance ramps. The place is tore up.

12

As a native, I can tell you that the reason there was no traffic debacle on I-4 is because the powers that be decided it was high time to lube up rush hour by demolishing every surface street in the entire metropolitan area. I can take one of two highways to work…17-92 or SR 436. Both have been apparently dynamited for the convenience of the locals. I think they should have taken my advice and just paved the state…start at the Georgia border and pave all the way down, rather than pave it piece by piece as they do now. I think it is interesting that apparently, they ask the road guys how long it will take to finish a project, and they say “twenty years” and the city fathers say "OK, and we will give you a tremendous bonus if you finish early, which they do, wrapping it up in the 9th month of the 19th year. I have seen barricades sit on completed projects for MONTHs…apparently they are working some sort of bonus scam.

13

I take the tram but there was one guy today who’s made me decide I need to learn how to say “if I can hear it, you’ve got it too loud” in German.

Being able to tram to work is so nice. I got hired 6 months ago to work in CH, asked about living in one of the neighboring EU countries instead and was told this was unacceptable; then of course I was assigned to a project in D, so every day I had to commute. There’s been construction going on on that highway since God-knows-when; every few Mondays I’d have to learn a new path home. Oh, and “rush hour headed CH” apparently begins around 6am and lasts until 7pm, but there’s no rush hour in the other direction :confused:

I must say, those years of driving in Miami (30% student, 30% old folks, 30% nuts - some % points overlap) came in handy to stay awake during my slow drive home.

14

You sir, are either retired or delusional. Or both.

15

It’s been a strange week for me too. I take I-4 every day to work. I-4 has mercifully given my brakes a break (ha!) this week. Today I got to work in 15 minutes which is unprecedented (I live 8 miles from work but some days that 8 miles takes me 45 minutes to an hour)

I suspect that the entire city is being slowly taken over by aliens.

16

Yesterday at 6:30 PM there was almost no slowdown where the ramp from the eastbound 401 meets the 427. Given that this is a situation where 7 lanes narrow to 3 in about a kilometre, something is clarly going on.

Traffic on Dundas Street was unusally-light as well, and at 10 AM this morning there were empty spaces in the parking lot at work.

I think rising gas prices are slowly reducing traffic volumes, as people double up in their cars or work from home some days or take public trasport or ride bikes. Eventuially traffic volume will be down by 20% or so, and the remaining vehicles will travel much more smoothly.

My plan is working.