The very definition of mundane and pointless, but I’ve got to tell someone about this.
There’s a guy in my neighborhood who likes ladders. A lot.
He likes ladders so much, in fact, that I’ve never actually set eyes on him doing anything which did not require the use of a ladder.
By my count, the man has four ladders. A small step-ladder, a large step-ladder, and extending ladders in both biggish and freaking huge sizes.
I always see him out doing his ladder thing as I head out to lunch or to on my way to the train station. It’s gotten to the point where I look forward to passing Ladder Guy’s house, to see what rung-climbing task he’s set for himself. The first time I noticed him, he’d used the huge extending ladder to get up on the roof. I was dimly aware that I’d seen him there before, but couldn’t make out what he was doing. Each time I walked by, he’d be up there. What was he doing? I had no idea. There were no signs of a roofing project in progress. He always seemed to just be up there, looking around.
One day I saw him actually doing something. He bent down and picked up a leaf, walked to the edge of the roof, and dropped it off. Since then, I’ve observed him doing this numerous times. “But Larry,” I hear you object, “there’s nothing peculiar about that-- that’s just good maintenence.” The thing is, I see him doing this on average of twice a week. That’s not to say that he does it twice a week, you understand – twice a week he’s doing it at the same time that I happen to walk by. We’re not talking about cleaning the eavestrough out-- this guy likes to make sure that there are no leaves on his roof. Ever. Most likely, the wind would blow most of them off anyway. Sure, decomposing leaves can cause damage to a roof – but probably not as much as walking around on them daily.
Keeping the roof clear of leaves isn’t his only preoccupation, though. He’s also very particular about the tree in his front yard. The one that the leaves come from. He’s out there frequently removing stuff that’s blown into it. (The tree is about half a storey higher than his house, and also requires the super-extender.) Bits of litter, plastic bags, anything that finds its way up there. Ladder Guy is not a man to let that stand. No sir, why wait a day for it to blow on when you can climb right up and take care of it yourself?
In the fall it gets a bit madder. No leaves may remain in stuck to the limbs, or be allowed to accumulate in the crotches. They must be removed by hand! While perched on a ladder! This is good for several hours a week throughout the season.
At other times, Ladder Guy can be observed using his stepladders to facilitate the washing of windows. It cannot be emphasised enough that this can never be done too frequently.
This past May, however, I thought I’d seen the most extreme manifestation of Ladder Guy’s obsession possible. He was repainting the top rail of his balcony. To do this, he used the extendable ladder. Here was a man who chose the labourious task of repeatedly climbing up a ladder, holding a gallon of paint and a brush. He’d set the ladder as far to the right of his work area as his reach permitted, make the climb, and hold the bucket in his right hand (which also grasped the rung of the ladder,) lean to left and paint the rail left-handed until he reached the spot where the ladder was leaning, at which point he’d climb down, adjust the ladder, and repeat the process. He did this in spite of the fact that the rail was clearly accessible from the balcony itself. Also, the rail did not appear to need paint. It appeared to have a pretty fresh coat of black on it, and he was going over it with the exact same colour. If it needed paint, he could have done it in a quarter of the time, with no risk, and with greater dexterity, if he chose to stand on the balcony to paint it. But then he wouldn’t have been on a ladder.
Well, after that, the dozen or so sightings I’ve had in the last couple of months seemed a little anti-climactic. Just more window-cleaning, roof and tree de-cluttering, and a light-bulb changing.
Until today. Today, he was repainting the balcony rail. (The same way, of course.) He painted it purple this time, though.
I think purple was a good choice, because it looks really terrible. That means he’ll have a good excuse to paint it again before winter comes.
Anyway, in less than a year, I’ve seen this guy dozens of times. Now I’m really looking forward to the one time I catch a glimpse of him sans ladder.
Ladder Guy. Always dependable.
Please, oh, puh-leeze write a Franz thread. This guy sounds like quite the :wally .
