I was always told that if you do not have a problem with someones request, the correct answer to “Would you mind?” is “No.” The opposite would be “Yes” which is a negative response to their request.
But of late, on television shows and in movies and in conversations, people constantly answer “Yes” or “Sure”, but they mean it is OK.
For instance: “Would you mind if I take $20 from your billfold?”
If I wanted them to have the money, I would say, “No.” - meaning, “No, I do not mind” and go ahead and take the money.
But if I didn’t want them to take the money, I would say, “Yes” - meaning “Yes I did indeed mind if they took the $20 so don’t do it.”
Have I confused the rules, or has the meaning changed? And does this mean that no matter how I answer, I am agreeing with the request?
I haven’t heard the usage you cite, but it’s kind of a backwards construction, so when someone asks me something of the sort, I always specify: “No, I wouldn’t mind,” or “Yes, I would mind” to avoid any possible confusion.
I’ve actually caught myself doing this lately, and I hate when other people do it. I don’t know if it means I’m just slipping with age, or if it’s truly becoming more pervasive in common speech.
I know that when I do it, though, it follows Lama Pacos’ reasoning: as soon as my brain has figured out what the actual question is, my response is yes (go ahead) or no (I’d rather you didn’t) instead of responding properly based on the way the question is structured. It happens without thinking it through.
When I was in college, a group of us would frequently gather informally at meal times. Someone arriving after others had sat down would often ask “would you mind if I join you?” They usually were told “no” (as in I don’t mind) but sometimes were told “yes” (meaning please join us). The funny one was the day that one guy said Yes, then realized he’d meant no and said so, only to be told that it didn’t matter, the couple in question was joining us regardless. This was the most profound, but hardly unique example of how rhetorical the question had become.
Building somewhat on what Eureka just said, in my experience, people don’t generally begin a question with “Would you mind…?” unless they have reason to think the person being asked would NOT mind. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where someone thought they were seriously being rejected when the respondent actually meant to go ahead.
If the person being asked really DID mind, I suspect they would respond with more than just a simple “yes” or “no.” For example, if someone came up to me and said, “Do you mind if I borrowed your pen for a second?” I’d be inclined to say, “Actually, I’m using it right now – you can find another one over there” rather than just saying “Yes.” I also think the tone of the response usually gets the point across.
So although I don’t think any of us disagrees on what is a grammatically correct response, it probably doesn’t matter in any practical sense which way you respond – the message will be received either way.
It’s a nice polite way to phrase a question, but it’s not the best way. People are more inclined to say “yes” than “no.” If you want to use that empty chair from the next table, don’t say “Is anybody sitting there?” Say “Is that chair available?” If you want to join the a group sitting at a table, don’t say “Do you mind if I join you?” Say “May I join you?” Phrase the question so that “yes” gives you the desired response.
Oh I’ve got the perfect example. This one took place across a volleyball court and with a complete stranger, so I couldn’t tell anything by her tone of voice.
me: Do you mind if we (my friends) practice on this court with you guys?
her: Yes.
me: Why not?
her: huh?
me: Do you mind if we practice on this court with you guys, just to warm up?
her: Yes.
me: Why?
her: huh?
me: Why can’t we practice with you?
her: what?
me: CAN WE PRACTICE WITH YOU?
her: YES!
I’m just going to stop with the “do you mind” stuff altogether.
I agree - English tends to answer “yes” if the answer is a positive one, regardless of the phrasing of the question itself. This caused a lot of confusion when I first moved to Korea, because Korean answers the literal question and not the sentiment. For example, I was asking a friend about whether or not we had class on Lunar New Year.
Me: So, we don’t have class on Lunar New Year?
Her: Yeah.
Me: Yeah? We do? That sucks.
Her: No, we don’t.
Me: But you said yes.
He: I meant, yes, as in yes we don’t have class.
Me: Oh. (What weirdness is this?)
I was expecting a “yes, we do have class” or “no, we don’t have class” but my friend responded with “yes, we don’t have class” which is what threw me off. I could see why a “do you mind…?” question would similarily confuse the casual listener. Direct, positive questions are the way to go, I say.
I catch myself phrasing questions this way all the time–as though I’m more concerned with whether or not they’ll be unhappy about performing the task, than whether or not they’ll do it. Which, I guess, is mostly true.
I’ve never had any confusion though, maybe it’s a common trend here.
Me: “Would you mind finishing up with this patient? I need to leave for an appointment, and it’s running longer than expected”
Them: “No, I don’t mind, go ahead and go.”
Huh, I usually say “yes, that’s fine” and “yes, go ahead.” An affirmative with something after it to make context clear.
I think it’s mostly rhetorical anymore, a more polite way of saying “will you do this?” or “can I have that?” It’s grammatically tricky, but the answer should lie with the sentiment and not the phrasing.
I was at a store and two little old ladies asked if I would mind giving them a ride back to their residence. I said, “No.” One of the women went ape-shit because I was refusing her a ride. “You asked if I would mind,” I replied, “And I said, ‘No,’ I wouldn’t mind.” She shut up.
“Do you mind…” is better than “would you mind…” “Would you mind…” seems to take it into the realm of the hypothetical, rather than the here and now that we are talking about.
I realize that very many people answer “yes,” when they mean they don’t mind, but my own way of responding is to say an emphastic “Yes,” if I mind, which generally stops people in their tracks, because let’s face it, they expected you to agree and they’re practically doing whatever it is they wanted to do, anyway; or to say, “No, not all, please go ahead.”
If someone asks, “Do you mind…” and then gets confused when I answer, “Yes,” because he doesn’t know what I mean…then he really shouldn’t have asked that question in the first place.
What’s happening here I think is that people are skipping a step. Instead of saying “No, I don’t mind. Sure, go ahead,” they’re jumping straight to the permission. Because “sure” or “okay” are often synonymous with “yes” this causes problems if you answer with a simple yes or no. The confusion is because even though something like “sure” doesn’t mean the same as “yes,” people often conflate them.
Like HazelNutCoffee’s Korean example, Japanese screws you up too. They agree or disagree with your statement whereas English usually agrees or disagrees with the fact.
“You’re not going, are you?”
Japanese: “Yes.” (I’m not going).
English: “No.” (I’m not going).
Depending on the situation, you can get sentences that, in Japanese, parse about the same as, “Yes,” (that rug isn’t ugly) as a response to, “That rug isn’t ugly, is it?” when English would require a “no” to respond to the same question.
Lemme tell you, second language interference on stuff like this is a real bitch when you start answering questions in English but thinking from the Japanese point of view. Gets very confusing.