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Andrew spent that year going to daycare about 11 hours a day and hating it. He cried almost every day I dropped him off, often to the point that I had to peel him off as he desperately clung to me and hand him off to the teacher.
He moved to a new room at age 2 (7/07), and has seemed much happier there. I loved his teachers, it was always the same two and they really seemed to love Andrew and he seemed very comfortable there. Plus he wasn’t going for as many hours (about 9AM to 4PM most days), which helped a lot.
My wife and I have always felt super lucky that Andrew was such a great kid. He has a lot of energy, but he’s very engaged with us, extremely communicative and receptive both intellectually and emotionally. He just seemed like the perfect kid. Other than hating daycare for the first year he has always been really happy and just seemed to get so much joy from life, especially from other people.
One thing I could never assess is how he behaved with other kids. We live in an area without any other kids to speak of, and we don’t have much time for play dates and that sort of thing. We figured he gets so much kid contact at day care, and seemed to enjoy our company so much, that we didn’t worry about it. When we have seen him around other kids at the park and such, he seemed kind of shy but comfortable, and good at sharing and being considerate. He didn’t really interact with them, but he does like to imitate other kids and thinks it’s a lot of fun. He seems most interested in older kids, often following them around and imitating their actions.
So anyway, my wife and I went in for our first parent-teacher conference on Wednesday with those two teachers I really like (liked, I should say). I was really excited to hear what he’s like around other kids and to get a good overview of his development from people who have seen a lot more two-year-olds than I have. We were expecting something to the effect of ‘he’s a really great, fun-loving, sweet kid, here are some stats on his motor, cognitive, etc. development, thanks for coming’. Instead:
They sit us down in a very serious atmosphere. They say ‘well, Andrew’s doing okay, but we have concerns about him’. They proceed to list off a set of observations that are either:
(1) really random – he carries stuff around a lot, he doesn’t know cause-and-effect because he dropped something and looked at it, he does things on his own a lot and is resistant to their suggestions (um, he’s 2.5 years old…), he likes to take his shoes and socks off and is resistant to putting them back on (ibid), he hasn’t achieved some of the milestones for three-year-olds (um, yes, but let’s flip to the chapter on two-year-olds, shall we?);
(2) totally inconsistent with anything we’ve ever seen – he doesn’t like being touched (??), he doesn’t like bright lights, he doesn’t follow two-step commands (and as soon as we get home Andrew happily follows an endless series of two-step commands and some three-step commands).
They also say he is (1) very kind and loving, likes to play/joke around with the adults; (2) off-the-charts smart according to their assessment tools (copying drawings, recognizing shapes and colors).
But they summarize their assessment with the statement that they have serious concerns about his social and emotional development and would recommend we get him evaluated for autism.
So what the hell is going on here? There are so many reasons I’m inclined to dismiss this. The daycare is mostly populated with overachieving kids of overeducated parents; we have never pushed Andrew to achieve milestones or to learn anything that would be no help to us or to him (putting on own shoes, potty training, giving up sippy cups). Andrew is demonstrably smarter than most kids his age and may very well be bored with the standard activities of his room. Andrew has a hard history with daycare and is probably pretty inhibited there. We’re living in a culture that calls every quirk a pathology. Petty me: these teachers, well-meaning and genuinely caring as they are, are not the sharpest tools in the shed and one in particular has just started getting some schooling in education and may be suffering from the well-known perils of having a little knowledge.
But these teachers have seen way more 2-year-olds than I ever have. Something is telling them that Andrew is falling significantly outside the norm, in a direction that appears to them to be pathological. How can I not worry? I surely don’t want to deny him whatever therapy there is out there that might cure him, if he indeed has a diseased brain. But that seems like such a load of crap to me, and calling something pathological that is in fact perfectly healthy is not without consequences. (For the record, we are having him evaluated by the appointed person at the daycare, and we will probably also pursue an independent evaluation as well).
I’d love to hear some of your perspectives on this. I have to think that some of you have faced similar situations.
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Red highlighting = everything I see that does NOT correspond with autism.
My niece (b.1992) seemed a normal, healthy girl for about the first two years of her life. Then, she got that triple immunization and was never the same after. As you probably know, many have suspected a batch of that immunization had mercury and many many children were affected but I don’t know if their symptoms were similar or not. Babbling and language acquisition types of things ceased. She began some self stimulation (standing on tiptoes and waving hands) and would look right through anyone and everyone. She seemed to ignore anything that was said to her…she’s off in another world and nobody else is invited.
For the most part, she has certain videos she likes to watch. Occasionally she’ll hug someone etc. but she has no speech at all, really. She might make a “word” that her parents can recognize, but that’s it. She isn’t potty trained, let alone trained for feminine hygiene. In fact, bro locks the door to the bathroom because she likes to smear entire tubes of toothpaste on the countertops and she wears a diaper. She’ll tolerate being touched but doesn’t seem to like it.
I bet you feel better now…