The daycare just declared my 2.5-year-old kid to be autistic (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is somewhere between a poll and a pit, so logically it ended up here. More than anything else I just need to vent and get feedback from a community of people whose thought processes I relate to (with a few notable exceptions…!!).

First some background. My wife and I are both educated about as much as the law will allow. She’s in medical residency and I’m working on various options in academia. In other words we’re both way too busy to responsibly have a kid, but there you go.

Our son, Andrew, was born 7/05. Spazette was home with him for his first year. We moved when he was about 1 for my wife to start residency and me to start a research position. Andrew spent that year going to daycare about 11 hours a day and hating it. He cried almost every day I dropped him off, often to the point that I had to peel him off as he desperately clung to me and hand him off to the teacher.

He moved to a new room at age 2 (7/07), and has seemed much happier there. I loved his teachers, it was always the same two and they really seemed to love Andrew and he seemed very comfortable there. Plus he wasn’t going for as many hours (about 9AM to 4PM most days), which helped a lot.

My wife and I have always felt super lucky that Andrew was such a great kid. He has a lot of energy, but he’s very engaged with us, extremely communicative and receptive both intellectually and emotionally. He just seemed like the perfect kid. Other than hating daycare for the first year he has always been really happy and just seemed to get so much joy from life, especially from other people.

One thing I could never assess is how he behaved with other kids. We live in an area without any other kids to speak of, and we don’t have much time for play dates and that sort of thing. We figured he gets so much kid contact at day care, and seemed to enjoy our company so much, that we didn’t worry about it. When we have seen him around other kids at the park and such, he seemed kind of shy but comfortable, and good at sharing and being considerate. He didn’t really interact with them, but he does like to imitate other kids and thinks it’s a lot of fun. He seems most interested in older kids, often following them around and imitating their actions.

So anyway, my wife and I went in for our first parent-teacher conference on Wednesday with those two teachers I really like (liked, I should say). I was really excited to hear what he’s like around other kids and to get a good overview of his development from people who have seen a lot more two-year-olds than I have. We were expecting something to the effect of ‘he’s a really great, fun-loving, sweet kid, here are some stats on his motor, cognitive, etc. development, thanks for coming’. Instead:

They sit us down in a very serious atmosphere. They say ‘well, Andrew’s doing okay, but we have concerns about him’. They proceed to list off a set of observations that are either:

(1) really random – he carries stuff around a lot, he doesn’t know cause-and-effect because he dropped something and looked at it, he does things on his own a lot and is resistant to their suggestions (um, he’s 2.5 years old…), he likes to take his shoes and socks off and is resistant to putting them back on (ibid), he hasn’t achieved some of the milestones for three-year-olds (um, yes, but let’s flip to the chapter on two-year-olds, shall we?);

(2) totally inconsistent with anything we’ve ever seen – he doesn’t like being touched (??), he doesn’t like bright lights, he doesn’t follow two-step commands (and as soon as we get home Andrew happily follows an endless series of two-step commands and some three-step commands).

They also say he is (1) very kind and loving, likes to play/joke around with the adults; (2) off-the-charts smart according to their assessment tools (copying drawings, recognizing shapes and colors).

But they summarize their assessment with the statement that they have serious concerns about his social and emotional development and would recommend we get him evaluated for autism.

So what the hell is going on here? There are so many reasons I’m inclined to dismiss this. The daycare is mostly populated with overachieving kids of overeducated parents; we have never pushed Andrew to achieve milestones or to learn anything that would be no help to us or to him (putting on own shoes, potty training, giving up sippy cups). Andrew is demonstrably smarter than most kids his age and may very well be bored with the standard activities of his room. Andrew has a hard history with daycare and is probably pretty inhibited there. We’re living in a culture that calls every quirk a pathology. Petty me: these teachers, well-meaning and genuinely caring as they are, are not the sharpest tools in the shed and one in particular has just started getting some schooling in education and may be suffering from the well-known perils of having a little knowledge.

But these teachers have seen way more 2-year-olds than I ever have. Something is telling them that Andrew is falling significantly outside the norm, in a direction that appears to them to be pathological. How can I not worry? I surely don’t want to deny him whatever therapy there is out there that might cure him, if he indeed has a diseased brain. But that seems like such a load of crap to me, and calling something pathological that is in fact perfectly healthy is not without consequences. (For the record, we are having him evaluated by the appointed person at the daycare, and we will probably also pursue an independent evaluation as well).

I’d love to hear some of your perspectives on this. I have to think that some of you have faced similar situations.

2

Several things- First, all kids grow and develop at different rates and should not be compared, but

Second, they have seen a lot of kids and if they think yours is outside the norm and should be checked, I would certainly take that advice. Now, they cannot make a diagnosis and they may even be out of line for even suggesting one, but still, they are at least very informally educated in the broad range of usual kid behavior.

Three, having one (or sometimes even two) newish kid doesn’t give the average parent much to go on. I remember being asked “So, what’s different at your house?” and thinking, “Nothing. Everything is normal for us at our house.” How could one possibly amswer that? My first was identified as gifted in kindergarten and my son received his Dx of Asperger’s autism when he got to kindergarten, yet nothing seemed unusual to me at my house.

Fourth, make an appointment with your pediatrician!

3

I have two boys, 4.5 years & 23 months. From your description, your son sounds like a perfectly normal 2.5 year old. If you have concerns, I would speak to your pediatrician about them, not to the daycare providers. Kids that age typically (in my experience), don’t really play together as much as near each other. The items you list in numbers 1 & 2 sound like normal behavior or what could just be your child’s personality (some people just don’t like to be touched by people other than those close to them, some people are just more sensitive to things like bright lights, etc.) My oldest son isn’t a touchy kid and never has been, yet he’s certainly not anything near autistic.

I would definitely re-evaluate the daycare you have him in. Maybe he would do better in a home daycare with someone who’s taking care of just a few kids? Regardless, if you are satisfied that your son doesn’t have any issues that need to be addressed, I’d get him out of there. Otherwise, I’d be worried about how they’ll treat him in the future.

4

We’ve been thinking the same thing. The facility is very convenient (walking distance), very nice, well-rated, and his teachers are genuinely nice. But every time I see them now I imagine them looking at Andrew as a pathology and it pisses me off. He seems happy, but it does worry me.

5

If it were me, I would take their advice, get him tested and see what happens from there. If they are correct in their assessment, they helped you to catch this early so you and your son can deal with it. If they are not correct, then you can do what you like with your son (pull him from that school, criticize the staff, tell them, “I told you so”, whatever).

Just remember they are trying to look out for your kid. Also remember that not all preschools are equal. There are good ones and bad ones, so get your kid evaluated and act appropriately from there.

6

I’m not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt. It’s entirely possible that your day care providers have completely misread things. It’s also entirely possible that you and your wife are too close to the situation to see it clearly. I wouldn’t dismiss it out of hand. What could it hurt to bring up your fears with your pediatrician?

I would also try to jettison your anger towards the day care providers. By telling you their concerns, they are trying to do right by you and your son. They may not have as much formal education as you, but they do have a lot more hands-on experience with a lot more kids. It may wind up that this isn’t the best place for him to be, but that doesn’t make it a bad place or them bad at their jobs.

7

Wait until after you’ve had him evaluated, then see how they react. Assuming everything is normal, tell them that you’re grateful for their attentiveness and you’ve consulted your doctor with their concerns and his professional opinion was that your son is within the normal range of weird. If they grin and say, “Well, that’s a relief, sorry to have worried you” - then all is well. If they seem unhappy or push the idea that something isn’t right or treat you like you’re in denial, then you should think about a new daycare.

8

www.helpforkidspeech.org talks about diagnosing autism for children aged 2 and suggests some resources for diagnosis and treatments offered in every US state. I am a RN for HeadStart and I would not diagnose autism but would suggest screening for speech/ hearing/ vision if I felt a child was not acheiving milestones in a timely fashion. If this were my child, I would follow advice about screening but not fret about autism until I did get a diagnosis from someone more expert on emotional/speech/ cognitive disorders.
Cyn, RN

9

I agree with this advice.

Although the daycare may be over-pathologizing (which happens), it is also possible that the things they are seeing are related to something on the Autism Spectrum. From the description you give, there sound to be some things that lean towards what one would typically see (sound/light sensitivity, tactile sensitivity, difficulty changing tasks) and some that would lead away from what you would typically see (good social interaction with you and an ability to express his wants/needs). The only way for you to be certain is to get him evaluated.

Now for the evaluation, don’t expect your pediatrician to be able to look at him and give you a yes/no answer. Ask your ped. for some recommendations on good pediatric neuropsychologists in town. Better yet, there may even be an Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic in your town. At the Clinic that I worked at during my grad program, the evaluation included a thorough interview of both parents, some psychological assessment (think IQ-ish type stuff), an occupational therapy assessment (for motor development), and a speech-language assessment.

Good luck!

10

SenoraGO has good information based on my experiences. I first had my two-year-old son evaluated by our county Help Me Grow program due to a concern my mother had raised - that he could not do the puzzles his two-month-older cousin could do. That turned out to be nothing to worry about, but his lack of (actually loss of) speech raised concerns. We enrolled him in Early Intervention and the coordinator there is the one who first raised the question of autism with me. My son was also very bright, affectionate, and social (with family members), but he had only spoken about 17 words at a time when he should have spoken about 200. He would not point for items but would lead us to whatever he wanted. He didn’t even try to interact with other kids other than his siblings. There were other indications but those were some of the big ones.

So we took him to our family doctor, who said no, he was not autistic because he allowed me to comfort him (he didn’t like going to the doctor). I let it go and kept him in Early Intervention because we knew something was going on due to the language and other issues. Then at a preschool evaluation later that year the screening once again brought up the word autism. That time I decided it was time for a full evaluation and got a referral to a pediatric neurorologist. As SenoraGO posted, it was a team process with evaluations by the neuroogist, PT, OT, and an interview with a nurse. He was diagnosed with autism that day and we started our IEP adventures shortly thereafter.

My husband was quite upset and angry when the very first evaluation by the Help Me Grow coordinator indicated delays, and I was just plain worried and scared. But when I think of what might have been had we not acted on the coordinator’s instincts, I’m glad we did.

Your son might be fine, but my best advice as someone who’s been there would be to follow up on the information you get from the preschool. Read about indicators of autism (one suggested site is the Autism Education Network) and see if you think they relate to your son’s behaviors and characteristics. Get a referral to a pediatric neurologist or neuropsychologist who specializes in autism. Then see what they have to say. I really do believe it’s worse not knowing once the question has been raised.

Please pm or e-mail me if there is any way I can help.

11

I’m told that the first month I was at daycare the teacher there thought I didn’t know how to talk. I did, and I had a bigger vocabulary than most of the people there, but I wasn’t showing it to the teacher/other kids for whatever reason.

How long has he been in the new room? Maybe he’s just not comfortable with them yet?

12

Missed the edit window: I wanted to add that even though you are not seeing the things the teachers see, it doesn’t mean they are incorrect in their observations. In my experience, my son often did things at home he wouldn’t do at school and vice versa. In fact, that’s another indicator - people with autism often learn skills or behaviors in one situation but then are not able to apply them to a different situation. The Culture of Autism site has a very good explanation on this.

13

A little story about me:

When I was Andrew’s age, or maybe just a bit older, my mother was called into the preschool for an urgent conference. She arrived to find a very serious atmosphere. Several of the teachers were sitting at a table, and they slid some of my drawings across to her. They were violent black spirals, some of them filling whole pages. Pollock-esque, they were obviously driven by deep-seated emotional distress. My teachers had deciphered them as pure “anger.” They were disturbed and distressed that a three-year-old child, while his classmates were drawing stick figures and trees, was using art as an outlet for intensely negative emotions, and pent up hostility.

My mother started laughing her ass off. “They’re tornadoes!” she explained. You see, I had been on a meteorological kick for the past few weeks, and wouldn’t shut up about weather phenomena. The teachers had overlooked my pictures of clouds and sun, and had instead fixated on the pictures they assumed embodied “anger.”

My mom loves telling this story.

Moral: child care providers overreact. Don’t fret. Your son will be fine. Congrats on having a smart kid.

14

I’ll add my voice to the chorus singing “Get him tested!”

Seriously, get him tested. It may be nothing, but you’ll find out, and be able to deal with whatever it is.

My son Dweezil is 13 and has Asperger’s Syndrome. He was diagnosed just before he turned three. I shudder to think what our lives would have been like had we not gotten him diagnosed. All of us dead and/or in jail, most likely. I am not joking about that - I’d have probably tried to harm him had we not gotten the help that we needed. As difficult as the years of therapy have been, the alternative is horrific. The therapy got us a lot of early help when we really, really needed it. As of now he may be unusual for a kid his age, but he’s a good kid and will likely graduate high school, if he ever does his homework. (That last part makes him different from his peers by not much at all.)

My daughter Moon Unit has ADHD-like symptoms, but no firm diagnosis - she’s getting both Special Ed and Gifted & Talented services in school. Go figure! Again, getting help has been the best thing we could have done.

Get him tested!

Around here the place we took our kids for testing was called the IDEA Center, and the County organization for testing was called Child Find. Special Ed intake, Family and Child Services, there are plenty of buzzwords to look for. Your daycare place might have some suggestions, and your pediatrician definitely would.

PM me if you need to vent, or if there is anything I can do to help.

15

I appreciate all those who are offering advice and trying to help.

This event brings up some larger philosophical issues that I have thought about since long before having Andrew.

First, how does one decide what constitutes pathology? From my highly biased perspective it seems that declaring Andrew to be pathological stretches that term to the point of absurdity.

Second, what value is there in declaring someone to be pathological? The only possible answer is that it enables some intervention that will improve that person’s quality of life by either altering them to come closer to the norm, or altering their environment away from the norm (putting them in settings designed to suit their pathology). In either case, there is a cost involved: a denial that Andrew, as his authentic self, is intrinsically valuable both to himself and to the world. There are certainly times when the benefits to the sick person outweigh this cost, but in my mind the cost is staggering.

I had a moment of clarity while running just now: Whatever disease Andrew has, I adore him just exactly the way he is and any change in him or in how he is treated represents a loss to me. If, like Typo Knig, I ever find myself struggling to enjoy him, I’ll reconsider. But this is my prerogative as a parent: Andrew is exactly, precisely who I would want him to be.

16

I know its a shock to hear that your child might have autism, spazurek. It’s something no parent wants to hear. But I wouldn’t get too upset just yet. The teachers were probably trying to help your state with its “child find” duties.

States that receive federal funds under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act are required to identify children within their borders that have or may have qualifying disabilities. This obligation extends to children who are not yet preschool age (i.e., children under age 3). Child care providers help with this obligation by referring children for evaluation. This does not mean that the child has a disability – it only means that the provider suspects a disability. Whether your son actually has autism is a question for medical professionals to decide.

If Andrew’s teachers haven’t referred him for an evaluation already, you should request one from the public agency in charge of Early Childhood evaluations. The day care should be able to tell you who to contact. If it turns out that Andrew does have autism, the state will provide early intervention services. It could be, however, that your son is just a typical 2-year-old. In any case, I think you should definitely get him tested.

17

Could someone explain what I or Andrew stand to gain from getting him tested, in light of my above comment about the costs of declaring him pathological?

18

Whatever Andrew is or isn’t - from intelligence to autism to physically talented - is on a spectrum. The idea in raising kids is to give them whatever tools they need in order to become independent and relatively content adults to the best of their ability. Get him tested, if there are issues, addressing them early will be your best bet to him being and independent and content adult. If there aren’t, you’ll have peace of mind.

Remember, being smart is a good thing. But there are plenty of smart people not getting along in the world because they missed the social and emotional parts of development. Spend time at an SF con and you’ll meet dozens of these people, all wondering why with their genius IQs they haven’t been promoted to management.

Get out of your own head - what is happening in your own head is not best for Andrew.

It is the opinion of my own mental health professional - who deals a lot with autistic children, that children of very bright parents are more likely to be diagnosed as autistic. Each parent has some autistic behaviors that do not cross into pathological. The genes combine and you have very bright autistic kids. Plus these parents who have autistic tendencies themselves tolerate eccentricity in their kids that non-intellectual parents who value “fitting in” and “being popular” more than “being smart” wouldn’t tolerate. So the autistic patterns in the child are reinforced. I have no clue if this theory has any weight whatsoever. But I have a friend with two sons on the autism spectrum - and it describes her family. Both the parents are a little “odd.” Both the boys are odder still - but the parents couldn’t recognize it because they start out eccentric themselves. Shy away from stranger, they both do that. Get upset at loud noises - that isn’t normal?

19

:slight_smile:

As I’ve mentioned on the boards before, my older sister has autism. She’s 36 years old and incapable of living on her own. My parents will never have an “empty nest,” because my sister will always be with them. They don’t see this as a burden, however. As they frequently tell friends and family, Nancy is a complete joy to them. Nancy just wouldn’t be Nancy without all of her little quirks and idiosyncracies.

20

So the goal is to eliminate these traits through therapy, yes? To define them as undesirable, rather than to take joy in the diversity of human behavior and habit?

I’m sorry that I’m getting defensive. But whatever Andrew is is not something that needs fixing.

ladybug’s reply captures exactly the problem I’m talking about: the point of a label is to accurately categorize something. Calling Andrew autistic would imply that he fits into the same category as ladybug’s sister. If that ends up being Andrew, I’ll eat all the hats in the world. Some people are pathological – meaning would stand to benefit greatly from appropriate treatment. ladybug’s sister is one. Andrew, by any meaningful definition, is not. The act of describing him as such undermines the value of his authentic, untreated self.