Mr. Freely appears to have confused me with you, MysterEcks. It’s an occupational hazard.
I’m not much good at killing protesters, Freak. Could I just have them abducted by aliens instead?
<goes off to cloud the issues some more>
I’m afraid you have me confused with someone who actually needs to be uglied, dear Freak. Perhaps the sight of my stretch marks, cellulite, and somewhat low-slung breasts were causing the heart attacks? Maybe if I just put clothes on, the heart attacks would stop?
Okay, it appears that being on the campaign trail has confused me somewhat. Now, let’s straighten things out…
Balance, I need you to misinform the crowd outside in any way that will get them rid of them.
MysterEcks, I need you to provide your special kind of backup in case Balance does get it down, or if you just feel like doing something. Y’know, whatever.
Gunslinger, follow MysterEcks’ lead.
Persephone, uh, yeah. Sure. You’re ugly. Right.
::whispers to Balance: “Didn’t I tell you to stop misinforming the other volunteers?”::
Robin, so why are you just standing there? C’mon! Get to it!
Alright guys, we gotta make the people believe there’s some reason to actually vote for that chunk of meat on a stick! So let’s do it!
Freak, you may rest assured that I have never said anything to lead Persephone into that misconception!
<directs associates in black choppers to pick up the PETA representatives under cover of a high-power strobe; hurries off to start rumor about aliens, overcome with remorse, using PETA members in place of their former experimental animals>
<starts rumor that a drive-through liquor store just opened up nearby>
<starts rumor that Oral Roberts is giving a speech and promising free (or at least discounted) GUARanTEED salVAtion at the convention center in a neighboring town>
<starts rumor that the new donut shop 3 blocks over is giving away freebies>
OK, that clears up PETAs, MADDs, Fundies, and cops. Who’s left? Oh, yeah, him…
<starts rumor that Bunny Bakeries is having a sale on alfalfa-hay cream pies>
That should take care of the guy in the bunny suit.
<Prepares press release indicating that the quick, nonviolent end to the riots were a clear display on DC’s diplomatic skills at work. Today, a crowd was calmed–tomorrow he will bring peace to the world!>
Ok, Gunslinger, I’m appointing you a Brevet Colonel–if you do well, you can be a General after DC is inaugurated.
Balance seems to have things under control here, so we can go back to planning the invasion…er, the friendly persuasion of Nepal, The Threat No One Knows About. Well, we’ll do that after we go get something to munch on–I hear the new donut shop three blocks over is giving away freebies.
*Waves sign that says
DC for D.C
Hey, who wants a “I’m a Dead Chipmunk Pusher!” T-shirt? On the back it says “He’s pushing up daisies, and I’m a DC Pusher!” Only $19.99! Today only!
Dammit Freak! I told you not to have the damn covention this weekend! You knew I was on that fact finding mission to Barbados with Bimbos Against Male Bodies, Inc. (B.A.M.B.I.). By the way, I found some very interesting facts.
Anywho, Spin Doctor Jackson is here. Any incidents that need to be cast in a different light? Any history to revise? Where are those TV news anchors? I feel like a nice game of “Spin the Talking Heads”.
Are Talking Heads Playing the Convention???
Excellent!
Oo, oo, I want one of Swiddles’ t-shirts! Got my chequebook right here!
As the Ambassador to Small Inconsequential Countries We Can Take Advantage Of Who Also Happen to Have Many Breweries, or ASICWCTAOWAHHMB, I have been and will be unavailable for all future weekends. And, as soon as I recover from this hangover and find some monkey to write a speech for me, you will all hear my message to the world.
This is Sn-man reporting for ET.
The current convention is awash with rumors. The lateset is that DC is none other that Chip AND Dale. This has come to light after some conventioneers noticed that some older news clips showed DC with a red nose. DC nose is currently brown, we are unable to determine if this is natural or due to recent activities. MR Freely has been unavailable for comment.
A band has been selected to play the convention this evening. The Brothers Seville will be performing LIVE. Ted and Simon have already arrived, but their lead singer Alvin has yet to put in an appearance.
More news to follow.
Sorry, I’ve been away on a fund-raising campaign.
MysterEcks- Good idea. And while you’re at it, check out Tibet, The Threat Everyone Really Should Know About (and with a little help from Balance, they will). I hear they’ve got this religion that says everything is a part of each other. Which would imply a lack of borders. Obviously they intend to conquer the world. Oh, BTW, get some donuts if you like, but stay away from that drive-thru liquor store.
TwistofFate- I love it! How would you like to be under VogueVixen (Not that way! You perv!) as our second-in-command slogan meister?
Swiddles- HEY! Did you get clearence on making that t-shirt? Are you giving a part of the proceeds to our campaign? We’re watching you… Wait, I just realized something, aren’t you our press secretary? Why aren’t you up on the podium? No one’s made a speech in four days!
KimKatt- Good job! Posing as another gullible voter, I see. Uh, wait, you are doing this for us, right? BTW, the cheque can be made out to “Michael F. Freely”…
DoctorJackson- Ooooh! Can you share some of those facts you found? Anyway, yes, we could definitely use some help. A reporter just dug up some information on DC, and it appears that chipmunks are herbivores. Now, while this will probably bring in quite a few vegetarian votes, we want to keep DC as close to the middle of the road as we possibly can. So, can you put a bit of spin on that? Something that makes this radical life-style a bit more centrist? And I have no idea where the news anchors went. They’re probably waiting for something else to happen.
Aglarond- A monkey is writing your speech? Well… okay. Just make sure he doesn’t have any problem with chipmunks.
SN-man- No comment. (Hey Balance! Is this stuff your work? Doctor Jackson, I could use your help on this one, they’re calling DC a brown-noser!)
Hey, this isn’t one of mine! What a mundane rumor–it has a simple, natural explanation. Clearly, DC had a head cold at the time of the older new clips. Once his blood was no longer pumping, his nose reverted to its natural color. Amateurs.
Now, about Tibet…I heard recently that an Evil Overlord had recruited the yetis for his own nefarious purposes. Something about taking over China–and of course China (ruled by Tibetan yetis) would be a major threat…
<goes off to start Tibetan yeti rumors>
FreakFreely said:
Consider it done. If those damn Tibetans think they can achieve world dominion on DC’s watch, they’re in for a shock.
I won’t go anywhere near it. Scout’s honor.
<pulls Colonel Gunslinger off to the side> Hey, Gunner, I need you to go pick up an order for me…
::aproaches podium::
Ooo ooh oo o Tibet aah aah aah.
::waits for chears to die down::
Oo Nuke em ah o o o.
::applause reaching deafening levels::
Ah ah Chip and Dale oh ah ah o.
::silence::
Oo oo oo DC aaaahhh!
::the walls are rattling::
::waves to the audience and shoves tongue down random woman’s throat. casually walks off stage::
OK, Freak. Here are three different spins to circulate around the country. When folks begin comparing notes and wondering which story is true, we’ll just say that the whole thing was obviously a politically motivated lie from the beginning.
Southern Region Spin:
Herbivore?!? Impossible!! DC does love his collard greens, but he cooks them with pork fat like any other Pariotic American!
Central Region Spin:
Herbivore?!? Why, that’s ludicrous! Just yesterday I saw all manner of bugs crawling in and around DC’s stomach.
Western Region Spin:
Yeah, man, it’s true! DC is all into the “save the ecology” scene. His environmental record makes AL Gore look like Chainsaw Harry.
Special San Francisco Spin
Herbovore?!? Get on outta here, girl! I have personally seen DC with a slab of meat in his mouth, but I don’t think he swallowed.
OK, Balance, do your job!
<Balance sits in the center of his web, spinning new rumors across the phone lines to all parts of the country, mimicking local accents and quoting nonexistent but plausible-sounding authorities>
Consider it spun, Doc.