the decision not to have children.

In My Humble Opinion
21

AlphaFemale, I’ll go one stronger than this - even if there IS an instant wedding ring, don’t do anything biologically permanent. Don’t get the female equivalent of a vasectomy (the name escapes me).

You’ve got 15-20 years ahead of you where you or he or both might change their minds and want to have a kid. Don’t do anything either way now, don’t make any solid commitment that you can’t get out of. Just sit back and see what happens.

I don’t see why this should produce a rush. He doesn’t have any biological limit on producing children. Even if you want to have a child at 40, and he’s 50, no big deal.

22

Two words: Snip Snip

23

Assuming you aren’t irredeemable–and the fact that you’re giving this matter grave consideration suggests that you aren’t–kids can be a good antidote for selfishness and immaturity. I had similar fears, but my kids have made me a better person.

With that in mind, I’m a little suspicious of people who never want to have kids. Children bring so much richness and perspective to life. Wanting to never experience that kind of responsibility seems a little stunted.

24

Can you explain what that means, exactly? I’m not sure how you’re using “stunted” here.

25

Obviously I’m not Live Better Electrically, and I don’t agree with him/her, but I think what they’re trying to say is that you can have a job and a pet and a house and a lover and a all sorts of things, but until you’re entirely responsible for the LIFE of another human being, you haven’t experienced the fullness of responsibility.

26

I see. Thanks for that, jarbabyj.

27

THe thing is, you just can’t know what you are going to want in ten years, or what he is going to want, or anything. You (and he) can’t commit to never changing your mind about things. You both just have to plunge in and see what happens:

You could grow old together, neither of you ever wanting children.

You could break up over something completely different.

You could decide you want children in the future, he still doesn’t, you decide you want him more and stay with him.

You could decide you want children in the future, he still doesn’t, you decide you want children more and leave him.

You could decide you want children in the future, he still doesn’t, but he decides he is willing to have kids to keep you.

It could go the other way, with his mindset changing and you staying adamently committed to the child-free life, and again, either he’d leave, or he wouldn’t, or you’d have kids.

You could both decide you want children, and have a passel.

You could both decide you want children, and then discover you are unable to, adn readjust back to appriciating the advantages of a childfree life.

You just can’t predict it. All either of you can do is be honest about how you feel now. If in ten years, you decide you want kids more than you want him and you leave, that’s ok. You have that right. Just don’t promise not to change how you feel–or let him promise not to change-- because you don’t want to have the fight in ten years where you (or he) is yelling “This wasn’t the deal! You promised not to feel this way! You promised not to change!” You can’t promise that. You can’t ever be sure. You just make the best decision you can with the information you have and then reevaluate it when new information comes to light.

28

I don’t want to turn this thread into one of those “Chyldrun are wunnnderful” versus “The horrid brats make me heave” type trainwrecks, but statements like this drive me a little nuts. Yes, children can be sweet and lovely to look at and tons of fun, and I’m sure some people experience a huge emotional/mental/spiritual growth through procreation.

Kids can also be downright evil little bastards who are physically nauseating. Why in the world would I want to have children when I’m not someone who really even enjoys being around them? Having kids most emphatically would not bring me any sort of richness or perspective – to be honest, they’d drive me batshit crazy and I’d absolutely hate them. I didn’t much like other children when I was a child, TBH.

My life is rich without them, and I’m one of the most analytical, self-reflective people you’ll ever meet. Having children would result in nothing but a life of resentment for me and unhappiness for them.

Also, I don’t think you meant to be insulting at all, but the “stunted” thing was a little… yeah.

29

I think the very fact that you’re questioning whether you’ll change your mind is indication enough that you’re not quite ready to decide with finality. I don’t say that with any consideration towards your age, but you yourself said “What if, what if what if?” So what if you do change your mind? Sure, you can wait 10 years, decide you do want kids after all, and show the man the door because it’s not in his agenda, but do you really want to invest 10 years in a relationship that might turn out that way? If he definitely doesn’t, and you probably don’t, that, IMHO, is a pretty shaky incompatibility, and could end up being a very big deal breaker if your biological clock starts ticking 5 or 10 years down the road.

30

Disclaimer to above: I fully respect anyone’s decision to not have children, and in no way do I feel that this is a bad decision to make, and I fully recognize that it’s entirely possible (and reasonable) that 5 or 10 years down the line, you will still remain firm in your decision not to have children.

31

I do agree totally with this post, and sorry for not addressing it sooner. Unless you are both absolutely sure about the no-children thing, I really would advise against basing a relationship on it. Broken promises about significant decisions are enormous obstacles to overcome in a relationship, and I’d daresay usually impossible to overcome. 1 partner giving a definite, absolute “no” + 1 partner giving a “no, but maybe one day…” = recipe for divorce.

32

I can’t tell what’s worse: Someone with a child they don’t want, or someone who can’t have a child they DO want.

That said, I didn’t want kids until I turned 30 or so. I was rather vocally against it.

Then I changed. And I can tell you one of the BEST things ever, is that genetic surge you get when you want and HAVE a child when you want to.

So, if you don’t want kids, don’t have 'em. If you ever decide you want them, you’ll probably dig 'em. Until then, don’t sweat it.

33

Heck, I knew I didn’t want kids when I was eight. I don’t think any age is too young to think about what you want in the future. But…I didn’t do anything drastic so I always had the option just in case I changed my mind. I’m 37 now and barring a really drastic change of personality, I’m not gonna have kids. But I’m glad I always had the option.

Now for the unsolicited ralationship advice:
I think that if your boyfriend is making you swear now (at your fairly young age) that you will never, ever change your mind about having kids, he’s both foolish and selfish. As other posters have pointed out, you have no idea how you’ll feel in the future. I have several friends like Unintentionally Blank in the early thirty-ish range who tell me they used to feel like I do but, one day, they just decided they wanted kids. Honestly, the most you can tell him is that right now you have no desire for kids and do not see it changing in the future but you can not honestly say you will never change your mind.

34

And also, speaking as a woman who ‘decided to wait until the perfect time’, you can’t always count on just “having a baby”. Three years of infertility and counting over here, so maybe I was the wrong person to open this thread and answer. I really apologize if my replies came off as ‘snippy’. But when i was young, early twenties I SWORE to EVERYONE that kids were not my bag. I was going to travel and be hip and cool and have a thousand dogs and no strings man!

Then I turned 28 and all of the sudden all i wanted in the world was to be a mom. It’s still all I want.

You just can never EVER know what your future holds, good or bad.

35

24 is far too young to commit to something that you feel ambivalent about.
Some folks just know, and have always known that they don’t want kids. Several of them have weighed in on this thread. Lots of others are pretty sure that they don’t want kids, but then change their mind. Unless you are in the former category (and few people are) then you should keep your options open. And you are definitely not in the former category.

36

My wife and I are not having any children. Neither of us has ever had the parental urge. It has nothing to do with selfishness or immaturity, or whether we’d love it or hate it. Actually, it has a lot to do with money, and how much we’d like to go from just getting by to being instantly bankrupt. We can afford to gradually get ourselves out of debt and pay all our bills on time, with not much left over. A baby would mess that up so badly, we don’t even want to think about it. Neither of us is in a position to stop working to be a stay-at-home mom or dad. So the way we’ve chosen to go is fine by us. Her parents aren’t crushed by it, they still have a son to help make grandchildren someday.

I’d say that the other folks who posted are right. 24 is too young to make such a decision. If you don’t want to have kids, that’s fine. However, down the road apiece, if you decide otherwise, it would be a bad idea to do anything to permanently prevent yourself from being able to act on your change of mind. Especially if it’s on the whim of some man. Tell him to get snipped himself and see what kind of reaction you get.

37

I didn’t mean to insult anyone. Stunted means “to check the development of.” Having kids is part of the life cycle, and not having kids, in that sense, is stunted. I’m not saying kids are wonderful, I’m saying that having kids is a unique experience.

I agree that people who would hate their own children should absolutely not have children. This is where my suspicion comes in. If a person never wants to have children (notice I didn’t say never has children, but never wants to), and says that they would hate their own children, what kind of person is that? I don’t know, and it makes me wonder. This is IMHO, after all, and I think it’s reasonable to wonder. Even when I definitely did not want to have kids, I knew I would love my children if I had any.

38

FWIW, I agree with the other posters on not having a tubal ligation or an equivalent; not with the “no, but maybe some day…” mindset.

39

Can I just chime in here and say that you don’t have to be “maternal” or go all gooshy over ever kid who walks into the room to be a good mother. I don’t particularly like other people’s kids. I mean, they’re okay and all, but just the fact that they’re kids doesn’t make me like them. Babies - eh. I don’t particularly want to hold or coo and cuddle over random babies.

I do, however, absolutely adore my own child (even though he did just now try to hand me a soggy piece of ketchup-covered bread). I’m not a “mommy”-type, but I think I’m a pretty good mom.

Anway, I agree with others who say it sounds like you’re not quite sure right now. That’s okay. Don’t make any promises and if it turns out you never want kids, that’s fine, too.

40

I didn’t think you meant to be insulting, it just stuck in my craw… thanks for the explanation. It helped.

As for what kind of person doesn’t want to have children… well. Me. I’m a pretty average girl who reads a lot and loves animals and chain smokes and eats way too many potato chips. I do a lot of awareness/fundraising for AIDs and own far too much music memoribilia. I’m pretty standard, I think.

Let me clarify – I don’t want children and if I felt somehow coerced to have them [as a result of whatever], yeah. Resentment would grow rapidly and probably easily turn into hatred. Which, you see, is the primary reason that people who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. Unfair to both parties, moreso to the kid who didn’t ask to be brought into the world.