**Note: **The Follow Story Is a Semi-Fictional Account of the Events that occurred today just 10 mins before 3am.
If you have a faint heart; or you happen to Love Flies; or hate to see ANY Living thing get crushed mercilessly and relentlessly, please do me a favor, and just don’t bother reading thing. I love animals as much as the next guy, and I value human lives just as much as the next one too. But please, if you’re going to Pit me for attacking a Fly… Well, it’d be amusing. But Still, I’d rather just avoid that business all together. However, if you’re REALLY Bored with a bit of time to kill, and You like really mundane, pointless stuff; and you’ve got a decent sense of humor on you- well have I got something to share with YOU!
And I’ll maintain that these events contained here in were PURELY out of self-defense and adrenaline. Oh and the forces of Hell, vis a vie: Lucifer.
**The Back story: **
I was suffering from intestinal distress all day, so I was in a weakened state. Doesn’t really have anything to do with the story, but it makes my actions seem more rational perhaps.
Also, more to the point: for the good part of this week, a fly had been buzzing around my family’s house. It had bothered my parents, and they had been after it for the last few days. I hadn’t really noticed it, except that it tended to come into my Bed Room whenever I’m up late browsing the Dope- as it’s the only room in the house with light on at this late an hour.
My previous methods of keeping it out? Simply closing my door, and turning on my fan. I figured the circulating winds would mess with its mind or something, or maybe it’d just be stupid enough to go into the whirling blades of doom… not really well thought out there. However, yesterday the Fly had figured out my defenses- it simply crawled UNDER my door, and then would buzz around my room until I shoo’ed it out, or I ignored it and it got bored. Anyways, that’s about it for the Back Story.
My Room 0254 hours**: Doper, Interrupted.
I was once again perusing the Dope; I had discovered the Giraffe’s Challenge Thread, and I was talking to my friend online [Pollux Oil for the inquisitively-minded or the nosy bastards]. That’s when the Demon Fly chose to make it’s move. I saw a blur of black fly out from the corner of my eye, and as I looked over- I caught an eyeful of black zooming out of sight. I was perplexed, and then realized - Ah. The fly. Suddenly, the black blur zoomed into my sights and came straight at my left eye!
-Now I’m by no means a brave man. And I certainly wouldn’t call myself a coward. At least if there was just reason. I am just a firm believer in living to fight another day. I do hate spiders, but I can deal with them- once the overwhelming paranoida and fear has been vanquished. Worms?- Ha! No problem! Dogs?- Just stand still- it can’t see you if you don’t move. Or maybe that’s for T-rexes…
However, anything black and buzzing and flying straight at my eyes? I’m not going to take the time to identify what it is. Hell, maybe I was in the Matrix and these were bullets flying at my face! In times like that- it’s best to let the sympathetic nervous system kick in and initiate the “Fight or Flee” Reflex: mine’s just preset to “flee!” So I dove out of my computer chair and back away to reassess the situation. That’s when I saw it.
It was HUGE. If I knew anything about flys, I’d call it bigger than a horsefly, because those things sound big . This fly was about the size of my Thumbnail- or we’ll say as large as a Quarter On further research on Wikipedia: okay, it wasn’t a Horsefly. And It probably wasn’t as big as a Quarter. More like a Dime. But a Fat Kamikaze Dime aimed at my face, Dammit! . It’d had free reign over my house for the last week, and it certainly had grown quite a bit. This was no ordinary fly! It probably ate normal house flys for breakfast! It was just sitting there on my wall, sitting in the shade caused by my chair, just mocking me! It didn’t bother to fly around or quickly hide or anything. No. The time for running was over. This fly had terrorized my house for the last week, and now it wasn’t content anymore with just fleeing every time it saw once of us. It looked up and gave me a look that spoke volumes from each of its beady visioned eye. It basically told me, “Now’s the time for chewing gum and kicking ass, and it looks like I’m all out of chewing gum.” It had come to take out the heir to the family first. The eldest Son rather than go straight for the parents. That or it thought I was the weakest. I stared into its eyes, sizing up my foe- it seemed like decaseconds were passing and it wasn’t going to move. It was just sitting there on the wall, enjoying the shade provided by my chair. I realized had to take action!
0255 hours, Still My Room: The Battle Begins
I surveyed my bookshelf- if I was going to have to goosh this fly, I wasn’t going to use any of my books for that- I needed something utterly not valuable. Yet, it should be dense, hard, and yet flexible- like the bending Bamboo in a raging storm (I knew my Bruce Lee after all). Then I spied my Excalibur: The Quick Reference of the Verizon Wireless cellular Phone/V-Cast Music Device- PERFECT! The best combination of useless flexible and yet dense material! I turned to face the fly still sitting on the wall, and WHAM! The shot was rang true, and I could see my foe fall to the ground and I lost sight of it under my chair. It had tried to struck the first blow- but I had retaliated with such measures of shock and awe that it was over before it truly began! Or so I thought… I couldn’t see the fly. Where was it?
I quickly moved back the chair back, and I saw it. The Fly had lived! It was merely dazed, and quickly crawling in circles, trying to regain its composure! This was no ordinary fly. I grabbed my Quick-reference guide, and dropped it on the fly. Quick. Painless -well, it was probably painful, but then again- it came straight at me! It was purely self defense! It had feasted for days- this fell beast, truly it deserved its end. But wait- I was wrong! From the sides of the book, I saw it crawl out, the Fly was STILL Alive after all that! I had begun to celebrate with my “Mission Accomplished” Banners in my mind and the adrenaline had begun to flow, but alas! I was WRONG! The BASTARD crawled out, and began to come towards me menacingly. That when I realized this that this no ordinary fly- this was a Demon Fly!
0256 hours: The Battle Continues
“We should have had shotguns for this kinda deal.”
I realized now was not the time to pussyfoot around. I had just tried to end this fly’s life, and it was probably Pissed. Did Truman hesitate before dropping the bombs on Japan? I’d like to think that he did. But this was a Fly. And I wasn’t the president. So I chose escalation- I reached out for the nearest heavy box that I could find- my stethoscope box, filled inside with various odds and ends and heavy objects. I grabbed the box and grimly dropped it upon the Demonic Fly, which was still crawling towards me. As the box sank into the carpet; I paused for a moment. It was over. This was all over. But… was it really? I had to know for sure. In order to do that, I’d have to check the box- but it was probably all gooshed all over my carpet now. The Fly’s Final Revenge, I suppose.
“Well, maybe you could just leave the box there? Overnight?” a thought crossed my mind. No. It had to end here and now. I had to know it was over- or else I’d never sleep- the horror of that fly catching me off guard and going straight for my eye was replaying in my head over and over. I needed visual confirmation…
So I pulled away the Box. And there it was: The Demon Fly.
It buzzed angrily- and began to MOVE AGAIN! It flew upwards and started to come right at my face again! NO FLY HAD EVER DONE THIS BEFORE! I was startled, and freaked out once again with the Sympathetic Nervous system kicking in- but this time we chose “Fight!” but it wasn’t going to be pretty. I quickly took the box in my hand, slammed it down on the Demon Fly, and then picked up my Chair and slammed it down on top of the Box two times, three times, nay -FOUR TIMES!
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
I mean, at this point- if you’re going to over react, you might as well go all out, right? Gotta love that Adrenaline rush- not always the most rational or the smartest- but by God, sometimes it works mighty handily.
No freaking thing could have survived that beating. I actually realized how silly it was when I was considering the merits of a 5th strike, and realized that if my parents walked in on me, they’d see me taking my computer chair, picking it up and repeatedly slamming it down onto a Box, with a wild and panicked look in my eyes. What would I tell them? A Demon Fly made me do it? That excuse probably wouldn’t (feel free not to pardon the pun) fly with them.
But what was done was done. I had literally taken a Chair and beaten a Fly to death with it. Not my proudest of moments, but still. It was A DEMON FLY! Or that’s the way I justified it at least.
So I bent over, and picked up the box and prepared to clean up the mess. The Demon fly lay there, sunken into my carpet- not gooshed though. But still. Grendel was slain, and I was the victor. What had I done?
But then- much like the Undertaker would have once done, after several chair shots- THE DEMON FLY STARTED TO MOVE! It rolled around, and then began ONCE AGAIN crawling towards me, testing its wings, and preparing itself for flight!
I had given this FLY everything! I had taken a freaking CHAIR and beaten it down on top of the Fly, and it still kept coming. GOOD LORD, Sweet Baby Jesus and the Pasta-farians- be-damned, How pissed would this thing be if it caught up to me for all I had done to it? This was no Ordinary Demon Fly. This was a Demon Fly From HELL. This was the Demon Fly commanded by Lucifer himself to either take me out or keep coming back until it succeeded. It had more lives than Jason Voorhees! At this point- my poor fragile mind couldn’t take it! I gave a silent scream of horror, quickly slammed the stethoscope box down on top of it, gave it two more Chair shots for good measure, and ran out of the room in fear for my life.
0258 hours: The End?
Once again- just stating for the record again: “Flee” just happens to be the Pre-set mechanism for me. Totally not a Coward. Totally… So yeah, back to the story- I had fleed from my own bedroom at this point from what lay underneath a small stethoscope box, and had found shelter inside of my Bathroom, hiding from the Demon.
I realized that I was up against something that just wouldn’t die. I had given it my all, and it was still coming at me. But come on! I was a Doper! A College Graduate! I had seen EVERY one of the Friday the 13th Films! I SHOULD easily be able to take this fell beast down! That’s when it came to me: There was a reason that Man had risen to the heights of food chain! (No I’m not going to eat it!) Man had evolved to become the master of his domain- yet he was not the strongest beast, or the fastest- no! The species of Men had the greatest treasure of them all! As one brave Hero once put it: Knowledge was their treasure. It was time to use Brains instead of Brawns! I needed to trap the Demon Fly and then take it down! I looked around the Bathroom- what could I use to trap the beast?
That’s when it hit me! Shaving Cream! What would Macgyver do? [Probably not what I ended up doing] So I grabbed the shaving cream, and some toilet paper, and went back to my room- this fly had freaked me out enough- it was time to end its tiny black reign of terror over my house for the last week. I applied the Gel Shaving cream to the TP, creating a Gooey, moist, and delightfully aromatic prison for the Demon Fly, and I moved aside the box.
The Demon Fly, realizing the jig was up, began quickly crawling away- but I dabbed it onto my squishy prison of doom! I should have taken the moment to say something witty- perhaps a "Looks like you're Gelling like a Felon..." or some other Swartzeneggerian retort there, but I was alone, and that would just be stupid.
I finally had a chance to see my foe up close- trapped in the blue gel… But it was STILL persisting- the Demon fly’s legs were still moving and it was quickly trying to right itself! GOOD GOD! WHAT DID IT TAKE? I had contained the Demon, but it would only be a matter of time before it once again resumed its relentless pursuit after me!
So i quickly ran for the Bathroom, and tossed the TP into the Toilet bowl, and flushed the foul Demonic beast back unto the Depths of Hell from hence it once came!
The Epic Battle was finally over!
After a week of raiding my house, and bothering my family, and finally choosing to attack me- the Madness was over…
But I know it’s still out there… resting… biding its time, waiting for the right moment to strike once again. There will one day come a day of reckoning where I shall have to face this Demonic Beast again… But I’m safe today. And thus ends my written journal of the events.
If I don’t post again in the future- you will know what happened: