The Devil Asks: What do you wish for?

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21

You have perfect health but you are forced to live until the thermal death of the universe.

I wish I could spill out exactly two pills out of the aspirin bottle every time on the first try.

22

You get exactly two pills out of the aspirin bottle every single time on the first try. But the pills you get are not aspirin, they are a powerful laxative combined with a powerful hallucinogen.

I wish for a pint of beer that never empties.

23

Now that is crazy shit.

24

Done and done! We only have Milwaukee’s Best. Forever and EVER!

I wish Cotton was a monkey!

25

I wish Cotton was a monkey!

Cotton turns into a monkey. Remains in the Senate.

I wish I could see my friends.

26

You can now see your friends. They’re burning in Hell with you.

I wish I was a better person.

27

You transform into a copy of me.

I wish I were less humble.

28

You are now less humble. Your name is Donald J. Trump.

I wish I were taller.

29

You become 12 feet tall. But only your neck has changed.

I wish The Wire had another series.

30

26 Episodes. Written by Alex Kurtzman.

I wish I could dunk.

31

I wish I could dunk.

You can now dunk but only doughnuts into mouthwash.

I wish God forgave the Devil and let it back into Heaven.

32

Heaven is just as miserable as hell, but with worse fashion sense and less interesting inhabitants.

I wish the coronavirus was harmless to humans.

33

The virus turns every animal of every species rabidly aggressive towards humans.

I wish for equal rights for all!

34

Well, now everybody’s dead.

I wish for rozembjijkliqo tonjji zzhempastarn ek.

35

You get it. And how.

I wish for free and fair elections for all.

36

Ten years into the reign of President All people are saying “Remember the good old days when Trump was President?” (Quietly because you never know when the Thought Police are listening.)

I wish I had a puppy.

37

You have a puppy, but it will grow into a 12-foot beast that will use you as its new chew toy.

I wish my cat could talk.

38

You wouldn’t believe all the catty gossip that beast is spreading about you!

I want to watch when Trump’s reaction realizes he is condemned to Hell.

39

You get to watch Trump’s reaction when he is condemned to hell. He gets to watch yours when you find out you’re roomies.

I wish I could drum like Stewart Copeland.

40

Stewart Copeland’s skills are degraded to match yours.

I wish for another five seasons of Supernatural.