“No, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, noooo, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, noooooooo …”
Wyatt hollered, ineffectively at the television, during the entire commercial break.
Thud!
“Ouch!” said Kid Czarcasm. He opened his eyes. He was lying on the floor of his bedroom. Sassie came running over and licked his face.
Then he heard his mother calling him to come down for breakfast.
Kid Czarcasm looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was time to get ready to go to school.
“What an incredible dream,” thought the Kid.
He smiled at Sassie. “I even dreamed that you could talk. And so could Rusty from next door.”
Sassie rested her head on the Kid’s lap.
Rusty peered in from the window.
Sassie and Rusty winked.
“If you keep watching so many cartoons you just might turn into one.”
Loki had overheard the Kid’s father utter those words. The god of mischief thought it would be hilarious if he used his powers to make it happen.
So Loki used his magic to turn Kid Czarcasm into a Toon after viewing one hundred hours of cartoons.
And now Loki faced the wrath of the King of Dreams.
“You have much to answer for, Loki.”
“Hello? God of mischief. It’s what I do.”
Sassie and Rusty remembered, but not the humans. The Kid believed it was a dream.
Kid Czarcasm’s Pirate Adventure
Kid Czarcasm found himself aboard a pirate ship. He was just as surprised as the crew and captain when they saw him.
“Oh, no,” said Sassie. “Not again.”
The faithful collie peered into the glass bottle that contained the miniature ship. Just moments ago Kid Czarcasm was standing beside Sassie as he admired the ship in the bottle. Then he vanished.
How could Sassie make the Kid’s parents understand their son was now aboard the ship inside the bottle?
“And who be you, me bucko?” asked the scowling pirate captain. “A stowaway?”
“Make him walk the plank!” shouted the crew.
“Not so fast, maties,” said a voice standing behind Kid Czarcasm. “Let’s hear what the boy has to say.”
The Kid turned around to see who had spoken. His eyes widened in surprise.
“Wyatt?” he asked.
“And what be a ‘Wyatt’ that ye speak of?” asked the Captain. “Explain yourself, boy!”
The one who looked like Wyatt said, “He looks scared. Give him a few minutes to collect his thoughts. What say we take a break? Drinks all around!”
Then he pulled out a bottle of sarsaparilla.
“Wyatt! It IS you!” whispered the Kid.
“Just drink this,” Wyatt whispered back.
“He’ll never stand me up again!” said the foxy young woman. She was angry that Wyatt had not shown up for their dinner date.
How could she possibly know that Wyatt was trapped with Kid Czarcasm aboard the miniature pirate ship inside the bottle?
Her name was Mandy and this was to have been their fifth date. She had planned to take their relationship up to the next stage.
“Too bad for him,” she muttered to herself. “He missed out on what could have been the best night of his life.”
But Wyatt was too busy to think about Mandy.
“Any pirate worth his salt drinks rum, not that odd fizzy stuff,” said one of the crew to Wyatt.
“Hey, don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it,” said Wyatt.
He took the Kid aside to speak privately with him.
“What are you doing here?” said the Kid and Wyatt simultaneously.
“Same thing you are,” said Wyatt. “Trying to figure a way to get back home.”
“Where are we?”
“If I’m not mistaken, we’re inside that bottle that holds this ship.”
“That’s crazy.”
“What was the last thing you remember doing before you showed up here? Looking at the ship, right?"
“Wyatt, how’d you know that?”
“Shh. Don’t call me ‘Wyatt’. Call me by my pirate name: Black Jack Rackham.”
Kid Czarcasm stared. Then he choked back a laugh.
“What? It’s the best I could come up with on short notice.”
“I’m sorry,” said the Kid while stifling a giggle.
“Oh, I suppose you could do better.”
“Don’t get all huffy.” But the Kid could not help breaking into laughter.
“Bet you wouldn’t think it was so funny if I left you here to fend for yourself.”
“Wait,” begged the Kid still laughing.
Then he noticed the captain scowling at them.
“Ye don’t seem so scared now, boy” said the captain. “Explain what you’re doing on my ship. And it better be a good explanation, or you’ll be walking the plank.”
“To be perfectly honest, sir,” said the Kid, “I don’t know how I came to be here. But I don’t mean to be any trouble. Would you let me become a pirate and join your crew?”
“Hmmm,” said the captain. “Very well. But we’ll be keeping an eye on you. Don’t give me a reason to throw you off this ship, boy. I’m Captain Darkheart. What’s your name?”
“Kid Czarcasm.”
“Odd name. Well, Kid Czarcasm. You can start by swabbing the deck.”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
“Hmph,” muttered Captain Darkheart as he walked away.
“Get to work!” shouted a deckhand who shoved a mop at the Kid. Then he pushed the Kid causing him to fall back into a large pail of water.
The other pirates broke into laughter.
Wyatt helped the Kid get up. The Kid scowled at the deckhand.
Captain Darkheart turned to see what was happening.
Kid Czarcasm charged at the deckhand and swung the mop, but he missed. The deckhand moved too quickly.
“Kid, don’t!” yelled Wyatt.
Kid Czarcasm was locked in the ship’s brig.
“You have to keep a cool head, Kid,” said Wyatt as he brought him bread and water.
“He started it,” said the Kid.
“He’s an arse who wanted to get you in trouble. You’re locked up and he’s up on deck laughing about it.”
The Kid pinched himself on the arm. Then he looked around.
“Guess I’m not dreaming. I’m really locked in a brig.”
“Yes, you are. You should be home. And I should be on a date with Mandy.” And I should be getting laid about now, thought Wyatt silently.
“I have to go now,” said Wyatt. “Captain Darkheart wants me to report to him. I’ll see you later, okay?”
Kid Czarcasm watched Wyatt leave. He tried to be brave, but the brig was dark, dirty and smelly.
He thought of his parents, of Sassie and of his own bedroom with nice clean sheets on his comfortable bed. He missed all that.
The Kid didn’t want to cry, but a few tears began rolling down his face. He curled up in the corner of his cell and wished he were back home.
He missed his mother’s home cooking. He cried.
The Kid did not know how much time passed when he heard voices and footsteps approaching. He looked up. He saw a young pretty girl about his age accompanied by Captain Darkheart and Wyatt.
“You do have a boy in here!” said the girl smiling at the Kid. “Oh, Daddy, let him out, please?”
“Very well,” said Captain Darkheart. He unlocked the cell door.
“Cassandra, this is Kid Czarcasm. Kid, this is my daughter Cassandra.”
“Hello,” said the Kid.
“Hello,” said Cassandra. “Let’s get you cleaned up and properly fed.”
“It’s ‘Take Your Daughter To Work Day’,” explained Captain Darkheart.
“It’s so nice to have someone my age here,” said Cassandra. “Almost everyone else on board is some old, dirty, smelly pirate. My mother insisted Daddy let me spend the day with him, so here I am.”
“It must be interesting being the daughter of a pirate captain,” said Kid Czarcasm.
“I guess it can be. But tell me about you. What does your father do?”
“He’s a mod.”
“A what?”
“It’s a long story. Are you going to eat that?” asked the Kid pointing at a plate of chicken.
Cassandra smiled. “Here. You must be famished.”
The Kid feasted.
“One day this will be all mine,” said Cassandra.
“You mean this ship?” asked Kid Czarcasm.
“Yes. One day Daddy will retire, so I plan to take over and have all sorts of exciting pirate adventures.”
“How do your parents feel about that?
“I haven’t told them yet. I suspect Mother would be against the idea. Daddy might agree.”
She smiled at the Kid.
“You could join my crew if you like. I plan to have a crew that’s not old, dirty or smelly.”
They saw Wyatt approaching.
“He can join my crew one day,” whispered Cassandra. “I like him.”
“You would do well to choose your crew members by their loyalty instead of their outward appearance.”
“Daddy!” cried Cassandra. She and the Kid had not realized Captain Darkheart was standing behind them.
“How long have you been standing there?” she asked.
“Long enough. So you plan to follow in my footsteps and become a pirate one day?”
“Not just a pirate. Captain of this pirate ship.”
Captain Darkheart motioned to some of the crew. They suddenly surrounded Wyatt and held him tightly.
“Black Jack Rackham, if that is indeed your name, I’m charging you with mutiny,” said the captain.
The ship docked at a harbor near where Cassandra wanted to shop.
“Any last request?” asked Captain Darkheart.
“Yes,” said Wyatt. “I regret I won’t see the day when Cassandra inherits the ship from you. Would you indulge me by pretending this is the day when that happens by using my last bottle of sarsaparilla to christen the ship on her ‘maiden’ voyage with Cassandra as its captain?”
“Hmm. Odd request. But I’ll honor it.”
The noose was being wrapped around Wyatt’s neck.
Captain Darkheart struck the ship with the bottle.
“Request fulfilled.”
Darkheart gasped. The noose was now empty.
Captain Darkheart, his crew and Cassandra never saw Wyatt and Kid Czarcasm again. How could they know that smashing the bottle of sarsaparilla against the ship magically returned those two back to their own world?
“Wyatt, how’d you know what to do?” asked the Kid.
“I didn’t,” said Wyatt. “The words just came out. It was as if I couldn’t control what I was saying to Captain Darkheart.”
“What should we do with this now?” The Kid pointed at the miniature ship in the bottle.
Suddenly Rusty and Sassie streaked by. They knocked over the bottle. It smashed into pieces.
The old proprietor of the pawnshop located at 666 Thirteenth Street chuckled to himself as he wondered what havoc and suffering was caused to the person who now owned the cursed miniature pirate ship in the bottle.
He had told customers of its legend, but they all laughed and did not believe in it.
Not even the young man named Wyatt who had purchased it as a birthday gift for Kid Czarcasm.
“I just thought it was a really cool-looking ship in a bottle,” said Wyatt to the Kid. “I had no idea we’d end up magically transported inside.”
The old proprietor of the pawnshop located at 666 Thirteenth Street chuckled to himself as he wondered what havoc and suffering was caused to the person who now owned the cursed miniature pirate ship in the bottle.
He had told customers of its legend, but they all laughed and did not believe in it.
Not even the young man named Wyatt who had purchased it as a birthday gift for Kid Czarcasm.
“I just thought it was a really cool-looking ship in a bottle,” said Wyatt to the Kid. “I had no idea we would end up magically transported inside.”