The Earl Grey Horror

Cafe Society
1

I was inspired to compose this post after trying Earl Grey. The store had some and I was all “…!! Picard’s Tea!”.

Though my words may sound as madness, I implore, no, beg, the reader to heed my warning.

In hindsight the way the sunlight brought not warmth but bone chilling cold as I carried the box of Earl Grey to my car should have been a dire warning, but such a thing by all rights of sanity should have been impossible. I dismissed it as a trick of the wind. What I couldn’t shake so easily was how my car radio played nothing but a ghastly shrieking on the ride home. Every station I turned to had this, except for one, which played country-western. I chose the shrieking.

Carrying it’s despicable cargo my car seemed to struggle in the most baffling of ways, as if the very laws physics it operated by were struggling against laws not of this world. In my folly I believed that it just needed some fuel injector cleaner.

Arriving home I looked up how to prepare Earl Grey. Surprisingly the first result was an online copy of that accursed tome, the Necronomicon, which had a whole chapter devoted to the subject of Earl Grey. Its Earl Grey preparation instructions, rendered in an abominable font, called for steeping in the boiled waters of the Arkham river, and adding the unnatural milk of the Basilisk to taste. Having nether I substituted tap water and sugar.

The tea pot did not whistle, but screamed as if motivated by primordial terrors.

I poured a glass believing it to be mere tea, possibly awesome because Captain Picard digs it, however, as it rolled, no crawled, over my tongue the flavor struck me, like a pick ax into my soul. Its flavor can only be described as pickled salted licorice, and hinting at unspeakable and vile horrors no sane mind could ever withstand. As I swallowed it, it seemed to *slither *down my throat.

It was then upon this gruesome concoction I come to understand the despicable dystopia portrayed in Star Trek: TNG. For only a decent man like Picard being racked with the guilt of being forced into things ineffably vile would inflict “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot” on himself.
I beg you, save yourself. Have some green tea, or maybe some mint tea. Do not be lead to this fate, not even by Picard.

2

You never had black tea before today? :confused:

3

I like Earl Grey. I have a box of Bigelow Earl Grey Tea at my desk at work. It’s good.

4

black tea!= Earl Grey

:eek:

5

Better than that Early Grey Whore…

6

What’s not to like about Earl Grey? To me it tastes nothing like salt licorice (also a delicious treat).

7

It’s my favourite kind of tea and I’m not even a Brit! “Pickled salted licorice”??!! Are you sure someone didn’t tamper with your package and substitute Lapsang Souchong tea for the Earl Grey tea? Now that stuff will rot your socks!

8

The variety from Doria is noted for its ability to maintain the imbiber’s youthful appearance and vigor.

9

Bravo! Very well done. I especially liked the crawling of the tea over the tongue.

I like Earl Gray, but I can see bergamot flavor not being . . . well, everyone’s cup of tea.

10

I despise Earl Grey. Horrifying.

11

I despise Earl Grey. The stuff I’ve had smells/tastes like someone dumped a bunch of Old Spice into a cup of tea.

12

A pretty good OP, but you need to work in some polysyllabics like nauseous or squamous. If you could manage to work batrachian in there, it’s be worth big points.

I, too, find Earl Grey not to my taste. While not Lovecraftian, the steeping of leaves in fruit essence is still off-putting. I prefer my black tea straight.

13

Did you over-steep it maybe? Tea leaves left too long are hideous.

14

ok, not all black tea is Earl Grey, but I would say Earl Grey has got to be the most popular variety of black tea, probably by a wide margin.

So what kinds of black tea do you like?

15

I didn’t like Earl Grey the first time I drank it. It’s an acquired taste, I think.

If you never drank black tea before, you need to try some plain English Breakfast or something before giving up on the Earl Grey completely. Plain black tea can be a shock too, the first time you try it. Once you’re accustomed to it, you can revisit the Earl Grey. Then you may be ready to join us on the Dark Side of the Tea.

Or not. Nobody has to drink Earl Grey, even if Picard does like it. Prince Charles drinks it too, and I doubt anyone ever tried it for that reason.

Oh, and Two Many Cats is right; over-steeping is a big mistake. 3 to 5 minutes, no more. Your tap water may also be an issue; if the tea is really dark and murky-looking, try using filtered water before blaming demonic forces.

16

I like Earl Gray, but it does have a distinctive taste because of the oil-of-whatever that’s in it. I also don’t think it goes well with milk.

PG Tips is my preferred tea. It’s one of the popular brands of blackish, AFAIK unadulterated English tea. I get a 3/4 kilo box of the stuff every once in a while when I’m in the UK. Goes well with milk but I usually leave it out.

17

Add some Marmite. That should thin it out. :slight_smile:

18

For what it’s worth you can cross Moxie soda off your list of things to try. It has a bitter citrus flavoring similar to Earl Grey so you probably wouldn’t like that either.

19

Then don’t try lapsang souchong (sp?)

20

Spelled right! I like that too, but really only as a replacement for a strong cup of coffee. That is not a relaxing drink.