I was inspired to compose this post after trying Earl Grey. The store had some and I was all “…!! Picard’s Tea!”.
Though my words may sound as madness, I implore, no, beg, the reader to heed my warning.
In hindsight the way the sunlight brought not warmth but bone chilling cold as I carried the box of Earl Grey to my car should have been a dire warning, but such a thing by all rights of sanity should have been impossible. I dismissed it as a trick of the wind. What I couldn’t shake so easily was how my car radio played nothing but a ghastly shrieking on the ride home. Every station I turned to had this, except for one, which played country-western. I chose the shrieking.
Carrying it’s despicable cargo my car seemed to struggle in the most baffling of ways, as if the very laws physics it operated by were struggling against laws not of this world. In my folly I believed that it just needed some fuel injector cleaner.
Arriving home I looked up how to prepare Earl Grey. Surprisingly the first result was an online copy of that accursed tome, the Necronomicon, which had a whole chapter devoted to the subject of Earl Grey. Its Earl Grey preparation instructions, rendered in an abominable font, called for steeping in the boiled waters of the Arkham river, and adding the unnatural milk of the Basilisk to taste. Having nether I substituted tap water and sugar.
The tea pot did not whistle, but screamed as if motivated by primordial terrors.
I poured a glass believing it to be mere tea, possibly awesome because Captain Picard digs it, however, as it rolled, no crawled, over my tongue the flavor struck me, like a pick ax into my soul. Its flavor can only be described as pickled salted licorice, and hinting at unspeakable and vile horrors no sane mind could ever withstand. As I swallowed it, it seemed to *slither *down my throat.
It was then upon this gruesome concoction I come to understand the despicable dystopia portrayed in Star Trek: TNG. For only a decent man like Picard being racked with the guilt of being forced into things ineffably vile would inflict “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot” on himself.
I beg you, save yourself. Have some green tea, or maybe some mint tea. Do not be lead to this fate, not even by Picard.