Even though I am an atheist, I realized that one thing that compounds the shame or embarrassment of the various f-ups in my life, is the feeling of this being seen by others; whether that’s deceased relatives, or just “an audience”. I know it’s not rational.
It works in a positive sense too, where if I do something well, I feel like whoever is watching might give me a golf clap.
Of course, if you’re religious, this kind of goes the other way: you likely explicitly believe that you are being watched the whole time. But, presumably, you also believe that when you are doing certain…private…things, you don’t need to behave as if there’s a voyeur right there (unless there is)?
I dunno…it’s the kind of weird topic that I can raise on the dope because IRL people would think I’ve gone absolutely loopy
I sometimes believe I missed that milestone as a baby, where you separate yourself from your Mother.
I always felt “other”
The oddball.
Outside looking in and actually prejudging my actions that I may or may not be planning.
It stopped me from doing lots of real stupid things as a youth.
Mothering myself, as it were.
So of course, now I wonder if my Mom is floating around watching me. In weak/private moments.
Honestly, when I only had read the title, I thought this would be about modern day data krakens spying on you, tracking and recording your life constantly. This reality is the closest I ever came to the feeling expressed in the OP, being watched from outside entities like gods, ghosts or ancestors. I’ve never felt the latter.
Like many Christians, I had grown up with the teaching that one day everyone’s deeds will be shown on a huge Jumbotron screen for everyone to see. At first, I thought - “that’s going to be mortifying; all of my masturbation sessions” but then I realized 1) nobody would find it risque after seeing jerking off for the millionth time and 2) such a viewing session would be horribly long, given that we’d be in front of the TV for trillions of years to watch everyone’s lives.
Any sound the children made, whether a shout, a cry, or a pout, would be picked up by Santa; moreover, so long as they remained within the field of Santa’s vision, they could be seen as well as heard. Santa saw them when they were sleeping, and knew when they were awake. There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched by Santa at any given moment.
I don’t think I have ever felt anything but mostly invisible. I think I would freak completely out if I found out people had been watching anything I did (like walk down the street, or shop for groceries, or eat).
Well I seem to be in the absolute minority on this one.
And I guess, when I was younger I didn’t think this way, maybe it’s as I’ve started to reflect over my life, I start to think about someone reflecting over what I’m doing now.
Well, they have, given all the security cameras in public places and supermarkets, or more precisely, would have if there were enough people to monitor those cameras in real time.
As it is, that footage will only be seen if someone else does something bad at a time that overlaps your venture into public view, so that any personally embarrassing moments could be spotted by law enforcement reviewing digital files.
Once 1984-style telescreens are mandated for every home, our lives will be watched over constantly by AI bots, and unsocial deviances that threaten the state will have consequences. For now, I figure my not-so-distinguished ancestors have plenty to occupy them besides clucking over what I’m doing or not doing;
I don’t really have the OP’s experience, though I was brought up in a Christian (Protestant) denomination. It happened to be one that did NOT posit God as a man-in-the-sky, but instead as a much less personal “Love” or “Spirit” or “Truth,” so I never developed the ‘someone is watching me’ mental habit. (We weren’t told to believe in Santa Claus, either.)
I don’t know which habit of mind is preferable. At least with the OP’s, there’s some sense of “mattering” to, well, someone. Not that I’m conscious of feeling a lack of mattering, but I guess it’s there somewhere. For example, when questions of ‘what’s the meaning of life’ come up, I’m quite comfortable with ‘there isn’t any (other than the usual animal imperatives of the living trying to stay alive and reproduce).’
I’m absolutely an atheist, but I maybe lean more towards heathen. I do feel ‘seen’ sometimes, or have the sense that I’m not alone - and I don’t mean human stalkers or even animals in the bushes. It’s a … well, for lack of a better word, a spirit of something around.
The difference that I never get a feeling that they care, one way or the other. There’s no approval, or disapproval, or danger, or safety there. It’s just … something not-earthbound in my vicinity.
It’s interesting and even slightly comforting, though I no there’s no influence there either.
People anthropomorphize God to a ludicrous degree. God takes a personal interest in me but also in grass, amoebae, celestial bodies … we need to imagine God as a person because that is all our minds can encompass, but they are not a person. Still, you are noticed.
I do believe we are being watched over, but physical things that we may find embarrassed to be seen (such as masturbation), it nothing to those who are watching over us. It is our interaction with others (including God) which are meaningful, including our emotional reactions to those circumstances which are what they are looking at meaningfully. And I also believe they can assist in certain ways (this can be for the better or worse, depending on the entity).
So things of this world, yes they see it, but it’s of no interest to them, so there is a sense of privacy in that, and it really doesn’t matter in that respect. But watching over us for the good or bad, that’s where the rubber hits the road and where we can make a difference (if we know they know type of stuff)
I grew up and to some degree still imagine that I am the star of my own movie. I know I am not alone in that. Pretty sure there was some thread here with people sharing what they imagine their soundtrack is like …
It’s not a Truman Show fantasy or a being watched over? But still.
I think I have this is the sense that I imagine everyone living has organized some kind of catalogue of my life choices and is evaluating whether that choice of blouse or that awkward thing I said three months ago makes me a worthwhile human being.
It’s called social anxiety.
I was a very devout Pentecostal Christian at one point in my life, and was indoctrinated into believing that not only God was watching but that evil spirits existed everywhere, were constantly present and I could only protect myself from them by praying in tongues. It got to where I was terrified of being alone.
Maybe now that I’m atheist, this has been projected into social anxiety?
I still have this latent fear that I’m going to die and some Ultimate Arbiter of Justice will shake their head and say, “Man, you really screwed it up, didn’t you? Off to hell with you.” I once remarked that I think I believe in hell more than I believe in God. It’s incredibly destructive to indoctrinate a child with the idea of eternal torment.