The finales of classic movies - extended.

Cafe Society
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Remember that great SNL skit in which they parody “It’s a Wonderful Life” and show what happens after the final fade-out? We’ll in that vein, here’s more classic movie endings extended a bit longer -

E.T. - the Extra Terrestrial - The UFO takes off into the night-time sky, Elliot, his family & ‘Keys’ watch it disappear forelornly. Meanwhile in the spaceship, E.T. has this exchange with the ‘Mother’ alien:

Mother: Was your espionage mission a success?

E.T.: Affirmative. I’ve gathered more than enough data about these primitive earthlings and their world. As we suspected, the planet is rich in uranium deposits to use as fuel in our fleet of warships.

Mother: And the exterminating biological agent?

E.T.: I have successfully contaminated this earthling family and members of their community with a super-contagion that will quickly spread around their globe. By the time their planet rotates seven times on it’s axis, these foolish, the virus will have all but wiped out these earthlings, and the pitiful few survivors will be too insubstantial to resist our invasion force. Their species is doomed! Mwuahahaha!

(Fadeout amid much Kang & Kodos-like cackling and waving of their long, spindly arms.)

Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid: The two outlaws dash out into what seems like a no-way-out shootout. But, incredibly, all their opponents’ guns seize up at just that moment. Butch & Sundance manage to gun down every last one of their opponents and stand dazed amid a sea of bodies.

Butch: So much bloodshed! It’s enough to make a man want to…cry.

Butch begins to simper. Sundance puts a consoling arm on his shoulder, then hugs him - tightly. Then they are kissing passionately. Then Sundance presents his ass to Butch, who knows what to do from there.

Butch: What we got is strictly between us, it don’t need to go any further!

Sundance: I wish I knew how to quit you Butch!

Cue swelling country music.

**Wizard of Oz/b] - Dorothy is in her sepia-toned bedroom, with Auntie Em & all the farmhands hovering over her.

Dorothy: Oh Auntie Em! There’s no place like home. I’ll never leave it again.

Auntie Em: That’s nice, dear. Oh, and…hand over Toto! He’s still got to be put down or else that bitch Elvira Gulch will be back here again.

Dorothy: But you can’t! Oh no, please. I couldn’t bear to be seperated from him.

Auntie Em: Life is rough honey. Hand him over.

Dorothy: Oh you bitch! I hate you! I hate ALL of you, you bunch of sad-sack losers! Fuck you all! I hate you and everyone on this rotton little dump of a farm. I can’t wait to leave here and never see it ever again!

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Love the premise!

GF1: As the door is closing on Kaye while Michael is getting all smooched by the underlings, Kaye bursts into the room with a submachine gun and wipes out the whole group.

Shane: As the horse makes its way up the slope of the mountain, Shane’s bleeding arm dangling to his side, the echoes of Joey’s “Shane, come back” reverberating through the twilight, about 20 Indians ride up and scalp Shane and start doing the Dirty Bop to some Count Basie music, a la the ending of Blazing Saddles.

3

There was a gag on The Simpsons that involved Bart finding an extended ending to Casablanca. After the plane takes off and Rick and his new friend are walking away, Hitler pops out of a piano with a stick of dynamite. Ilsa parachutes out of the plane and closes the piano top. Rick and Ilsa get married. The End?

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Jaws: After Roy Scheider has blown up the shark and is clinging to the mast of the boat, it sinks.

5

The question mark leaves it open for a sequel!

6

About a month after everyone leaves Harold & Sarah’s lovely home in South Carolina, Meg discovers she is not, in fact, pregnant and resigns herself to visit Michael in New York, whose article on Lost Hope did so well for People Magazine, he was promoted to Managing Editor.
Nick and Chloe start out with the best of intentions, but after a few months, she misses sex and runs off with a student from a nearby college. The old house nearly complete, Nick sells the property behind Harold’s back and uses the money to move to Amsterdam and remains high until his death 3 years later.
The sale of Harold’s company went thru without a hitch, but Harold was charged with insider trading when it was discovered that Karen had invested heavily, based on Harold’s information and used the money to divorce Richard. She copped a plea and gave back the profit to the SEC, then moved to LA where she took up with Sam’s greatest rival, Tom Sellack

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But at that moment, one of the fatally wounded troops barely manages to raise his rifle and puts a round through BOTH Butch and Sundance before expiring…

How…how…eat up with angst!

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“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” says Rhett, and shuts the door.
Scarlett falls apart, but then gathers herself together and says, “Tomorrow is another day.”
Fade out to a sunset, and then a sunrise to indicate the passage of time. There’s a knock at the door – it’s Rhett, slightly grey around the edges, with a telegram saying that Archduke Ferdinand has been assassinated, and World War I is underway, and the US government would like to station soldiers at Tara before sending them to Europe to fight with the British.

9

I prefer to think that the extended ending goes something like this:
Uncle Henry: Oh, you didn’t hear what happened to Elvira Gulch.

Dorothy: That nasty ol’ witch who wants to kill Toto? What happened?

Auntie Em: The twister sucked her up, right off the road! They found her impaled on the church steeple in town!

Uncle Henry: They’re trying to figure out how to get the body down before the crows come back, or else it’s going to be quite a mess.

Antie Em: Henry! Dorothy doesn’t need to hear about that!

10

Now fully grown, Bambi stands atop the cliff with Filene and their son at his side.

A shot rings out and Bambi falls, mortally wounded.

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Close Encounters, the Second Special Edition
After entering the spaceship, Roy looks around to an awsome array of lights. He walks forward slowly, blinded by the magnificence.

Suddenly he loses is balance and starts to fall. Looking down, he sees the opening of a giant food processor and one of the aliens holding a book. Just as he’s passing through the opening he can see the cover of the book “To Serve Man”

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Lost in Translation:

Bill Murray embraces Scarlett Johanssen in the plaza and whispers into her ear.

Scarlett: What? Stop mumbling I can’t hear you.

Bill: I said there’s a stain on my jacket and you owe me $20 for the dry-cleaning! Jeez, you deaf or something?

Scarlett: Hey, don’t talk to me that way, you sorry old has-been! My husband’s a hot photographer for Rolling Stone, and I’m on the A-list! You’re a loser making commercials for Japanese TV!

Bill: Oh GAWD I can’t wait to get home where I can hold a conversation with a frikkin’ ADULT!