I’ll try my best to explain but you may not understand. I still don’t understand, I don’t know why it’s affecting me so deeply. It has been a long day, a hard day, and all I wanted was a tiny shred of peace at the end of it but sometimes peace is a little hard to come by in life.
The Flower:
This was a gift I gave to my daughter when she was a baby. This rattle, in the shape of a smilie-faced daisy, fit around a baby’s wrist with velcro tabs to hold it in place. A happy shake or two of baby’s wrist and the flower would make noise, spark curiosity, keep baby entertained for a few minutes. This flower was cute and my kiddo loved it. I was amazed the thing hadn’t been truly lost years ago (my daughter is turning four soon). During the time she had it, it was “lost” a few times but always turned up after a hasty search in various drawers or under the bed. It stayed close even when we traveled.
The Snake:
This multicolored, fuzzy buddy was a gift from my wonderful SO to my daughter when she first was learning to walk. It was bright and soft, and fit perfectly in her tiny hands. It was easy to hang on to, and she liked it when we made silly, hissing noises and kissed her on the cheeks with it. This lil’ guy has also travelled with us a lot and was also “lost” more than once (strangely enough, always found in close proximity to the flower). Her other stuffed animals could never hold a candle to the snake. Some nights she took it into her crib, little hand gripping the snake so fiercely that only the soothing embrace of sleep could make her let it go.
Over the last year or so, both toys were often together, one in each of my kiddo’s hands; flower in her right, snake in her left. For some reason, this struck me as really cute and rather interesting since I had never played with the two together with her and this was entirely a pairing of her own making. She had made a choice and I had attached some sort of symbolism to it (not sure what exactly but it seemed important to me). If I handed her the snake, she’d have to seek out the flower and vice versa. Whatever connection she had with these two items seemed almost sacred, in a way. That’s the best way I can describe it though that may sound strange to you. I tried to make sure they were never lost, hidden away or even stolen by other kids. They had to be together and they had to be available. My SO was sort of proud and happy that his gift had such meaning for her, and that really made me feel good.
Well, I felt good until tonight… tonight, while driving home, my daughter threw both toys out of the car window. 
I found this out when I stopped at the light and looked back at her to see what she was doing. I thought by the silence behind me that she’d fallen asleep, flower and snake clenched tightly in her paws as she snoozed (as had happened a few times). I saw no flower or snake in either hand and my angel was awake. Light changed and I resumed my drive, wondering if she had dropped them on the floor of the car. Next light, I looked again; nothing on the seat beside her, nothing on the floor. I felt… weird but continued driving. Next light, same thing. We got home and I searched the car. Nothing. She’d had them in her hands when we left my friends’ house. I should know because she was kissing my cheek with the snake as I was putting her in her carseat… flower was being shaken in a happy beat as she laughed with me.
The car window had been down about four inches, enough to stir the cool of the evening air around us while driving. Four inches was enough. Talk about the cherry on the cake of my day. For some silly reason, I started crying. I felt really bad inside. I had had a long day, I just wanted to relax. My kiddo’s favorite buddies were G-O-N-E. She has never shoved anything out of a car window before and I wouldn’t have minded if it had only been the flower rattle. The snake, beloved toy of my beloved pumpkin, given to her by my beloved SO… gone.
It just struck me as so sad, I really can’t explain it that well. She’s a kid and toys get lost, is what you’re thinking… no biggie. The fact that she’s autistic and won’t know the difference perhaps, should calm me down. But it doesn’t. On one hand, to me, it’s a gift from my SO and I’m gonna feel like shit when he asks me about it. He may not ask, you say. Well… he might. It meant something to me. Maybe I’m just insanely emotional over a toy, you say. I’ll admit it but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t even help that she didn’t know what would happen to her buddies as she shoved them through. She’s got a memory like an elephant for some things and I hope she just forgets she had these two.
I don’t know why it’s getting to me this much. Bad day+lost buddies= sad spider. It doesn’t add up, logically. Go ahead and call me fruitcake, today’s the day for feeling like crap anyway.
