I think some of the major dealbreakers would get filtered out before she even answered my first message, but she did answer. And we got along like a house on fire in text.
That’s what I’ve already done. Was thinking of a professional pic or two.
There is not nearly enough information to figure out what went wrong, and maybe nothing actually did. I would say for at least 80% of the online/app dates I go on, we don’t mutually hit it off. That’s nobody’s fault. Except for hers, because I am magnificent.
I kid, I kid.
Personally, I think you should shut it all down for a few months. Delete all your profiles, make new friends, get a stupid tattoo, puke into the ocean, visit Reno, whatever you’ve always wanted to do. I don’t know when you were last in a relationship, but being single is not that bad; it’s certainly better than being in a shitty relationship, and most relationships are shitty. I think you’ll be in the right place for dating (and much more successful) when you can honestly say that you’d be equally happy alone or with someone.
Robot Arm, with regard to your first post, one thing I don’t think anyone’s brought up is that she may not have been interested because of something in her own life. It’s quite possible that she has crap of her own to deal with. Maybe she realized she wasn’t ready for dating because of a recent break up. Or an old boyfriend called. Or she’s a nut.
I don’t have any answers, but I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. You’ve always struck me as a good guy and I hope things get better.
That’s an interesting idea; I’ll give it some thought. Be sort of a shame to undertake some sort of once-in-a-lifetime experience when I’m not in the right frame of mind to appreciate it.
I saw someone for a few months about three years ago that I was completely crazy about. Before that was probably 2004. I’ve had plenty of experience being alone.
And it hasn’t all been bad. I’ve had some very happy times and done some extraordinary things. There’s just always been this one thing that’s never worked out.
Thank you.
Robot Arm - I remember reading a thread about your dating difficulties here a long time ago. It went into a lot of detail. If I remember correctly, you have a good income and are normal looking. You certainly come across well in writing.
Please don’t be offended by this but my guess is there is something about you in person that may be off putting. Something like close talking, bad breath, odd eye contact, etc. Do you have a close friend or relative who you can ask? If there is something like this, it is fixable or can be worked on.
Having shared pizza with Robot Arm, I can vouch that he’s above-average in looks, very intelligent, very amusing, and a delightful companion all around. I saw no reason why he hasn’t been grabbed up. Maybe he could ask one of his gal friends who knows him better, but I bet they’d be baffled, too.
I think for Robot Arm, Meetup is a far better option for meeting people of similar interests and social values than dating sites are (where for anyone not in ShagnastyWorld, it’s just one rejection after the next).
Yeah, I really want to reiterate that you’ll probably have more luck with an in-person group based on shared interests. Not to get all hokey, but Meetup changed my life, as it brought me my writer’s group. Even if you don’t find someone to date right away, it would help to fill that companionship hole you are feeling so keenly.
OK, so much for that theory.
Not offended at all. I do think that I tend to look at people’s mouths, more so than at their eyes, during conversations. Not that I’m a lip reader, but that little bit of visual info helps me not miss something they might say.
It would be interesting if there was some sort of secret shopper for dating; get some feedback on how I perform under combat conditions, so to speak. Maybe I’m just too much of an empiricist.
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m happy you remember, more than that is pure flattery.
Thanks. I hope you’re well these days.
I do have social outlets, like my curling club. And I’ve tried some meetup-type things. Just haven’t found the perfect niche.
A couple of thoughts. If it’s a pattern, do you have any IRL friends who can help you look at what’s happening? I’ve got a friend who decided at 39 he wants to be married and signed up for a dating service (in Japan). He kept getting rejected so some of us friends went over what he was doing and saying, and his success rate increased. He finally did find someone and got married. In his case, he was trying too hard to please and seem likable that he was giving off creepy vibes, or was simply boring. That doesn’t sound like your case, but maybe a friend could see something.
Online dating can really suck, so you can’t really take it personally.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself? It sounds like you are fine with normal interactions. Would it work to lower expectations when meeting someone? Rather than meet hoping to get a second date, just meet for coffee and have fun. Then think about a second date later. It may take some pressure off if that’s an issue.
I know you mean well, but this is like saying “just relax” or “try to get to sleep.” It’s not something you can really decide to do. Same with “be more confident” or similar bromides.
You have to lifehack it. Cast the net a little wider and try to always have a date with someone else coming up later. Then you don’t get stuck on one person, because that will seriously fuck up even the most experienced dater. You’ll overanalyze all their texts and silences, spend way too much time composing perfect messages, and then when you meet you’ll immediately shit your pants.
Or, as I suggested above, take a long break, find something that makes you happy, clear your head, and then dive back in.
Good on you for helping a friend out. I hope it continues to work out for him.
Getting a critique from friends is an interesting idea, but how do they tell what I’m actually doing versus what I just think that I’m doing? Unless they want to spy on me during a date, or have me wear a wire, they’re kinda stuck with my perception of things.
This thread makes me wonder if online dating is irretrievably broken. There’s a lot rejection, indifference, and outright scams to put up with (and from what I’ve read, women have it much worse), but has it chased all the real, sincere people out of the market? It’s a roomful of manure, but I don’t know that there isn’t a pony in there somewhere.
I don’t know. “Pressure”, to me, is about the things that I should do, or that other people expect me to do. This feels more like something I want to do, but can’t.
Man. I feel compelled to say something, and I really hope it comes out as I intend it to, and not offensive to anyone.
If I were in Robot Arm’s position, I would really just want some space and freedom to feel like shit. Maybe some reassurances, empathizing – but nobody telling me how I could change my behavior or cheer up. Granted, if he came in asking “How can I change my behavior to get women?” or “I’m sick of feeling depressed, how can I make myself feel better?” it’d be appropriate. But right now the sting of rejection is fresh, and he just needs to ride out some tough feelings.
Robot Arm … in my personal experience, when I was in this funk of feeling like people just didn’t have time for me or care about me enough, the best thing I could do for myself was be very honest with myself about how I was feeling. I didn’t try to pretend, for the sake of the people around me, that I was tough and I was brave and I could handle everything life was throwing at me. I wrote in my journal very intensely for a while, because it was a safe space for me to acknowledge and work through my feelings in however long it took for the feelings to sort themselves out.
That is very fair, and a good point.
I think a lot of us on the Dope have solution-oriented personalities, but sometimes you just need the space to feel like shit.
Including me.
If I didn’t want to talk about, I wouldn’t have started the thread. And while I posted about a specific incident, this is kind of a lifelong issue. I’ve tried taking space and freedom to feel like shit. And I’ve talked to friends. And I’ve tried “putting myself out there”, virtually and in person. I’m tired of talking about, but I’m even more tired of it happening.
So I won’t tell anyone how to respond in this thread. I’m just out of ideas and energy at this point; I’ll take whatever I can get.
I don’t think you need them to spy on you. If there is some kind of issue with your social skills, it might be apparent to friends and family in regular interactions.
You could say something like this to a friend, “I’m having trouble getting second dates. Is there anything I could do to improve my interpersonal skills? I’m completely open to hearing any suggestion and I promise I won’t get offended.”
It could be a waste of time or it could give you an interesting idea that you could work on.
It’ll have to be friends. With the exception of my stepmother, I think my family would be utterly mystified by the idea that I have any desire for romantic companionship.
Do you feel like expanding on that? Maybe it’s relevant to the topic at hand.
Oh, it’s just that the subject never, ever came up when I was growing up; no “make sure you get her home on time.”, or “who are you taking to the prom?” or “when am I going to be a grandmother?”, just not any hint that it ever crossed either of their minds.
Whether that’s a cause of my current frustration or an effect, I couldn’t say.
The Fridays come and go; still miserable.