My dad was a great guy (who I miss dearly), but he was a bit of a klutz. It was a family meme that if there was a hole nearby, dad would fall into it; a banana peel, dad would slip on it; an industrial size wood chipper, dad would…well, you get the idea.
He was never seriously injured from his frequent tumbles (assuming a high bar with regard to “seriously”), but what made his mishaps particularly comedic was the gusto and extreme animation in which he fell. Like the time he sped to the hospital when he learned my sister was about to be born. He got to the hospital in nothing flat and bolted through the main entrance. All eyes locked on this speeding demon who was not about to miss his daughter’s birth. He was a man on a mission.
And, he would have made it, too, if not for the puddle of water on the slick waxed floor just inside the doorway(did I mention it was raining outside?). It’s a shame there weren’t some Olympic gymnastics judges on the sideline, because dad would have earned all 10’s. He didn’t just do a 180…or a mere 270…or, even an impressive 360. I’m proud to say my dad did a well-executed 450, and stuck the landing square on his butt. That’s my dad! His destiny was the maternity ward; he ended up in the emergency room instead. At least he was in the right building.
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But, I wasn’t there to witness that prat fall (sis is 10 years older than me), it’s just legend to me. The incident I remember most occurred a couple decades later (with many falls in between).
Dad enlisted me to hold the ladder steady for him as he painted under the eaves of our split level suburban house. I was always dad’s faithful and trusted assistant in household projects, but this chore was a little boring, so perhaps I wasn’t as attentive as some say I should have been.
In fact, some folks say I may have been just a wee bit semi-responsible for what came next, but I refer those folks to my attorney. In my defense, it was Spring and I was 12 and there were lots of bugs coming out of hibernation. You know how boys like bugs, right?
I caught site of a dandy of a grasshopper…almost as big as an Eldorado! Unfortunately, Mr. Hopper wasn’t quite within arm’s length of my posted position (i.e. keeping dads really high ladder safe and steady). But, what the heck, dad looked pretty in control of the situation way up there, near the clouds. So, I scampered off to introduce myself to the behemoth with an exoskeleton. He welcomed me by vomiting a drop of that black ooze grasshoppers are known for regurgitating onto my hand.
Whoa…whoa…whoa…Tibby!!!
Hmm, that sounds a little like dad off in the distance. By gum, it is him! And look at him flapping his arms about like airplane propellers. He’s funny. Looks like that ladders a little wobbly, too. That’s really funny.
…uh…uh oh…
Well, there’s no way I could make it back to the ladder in time to have any effect on the result that was unfolding before my eyes, so I didn’t even try. I mean, I put a little effort into my run, but that was mostly for show (did I mention I found a really big grasshopper about 30 yards from the ladder?).
Did you at least try to save your father, Tibby?
Yes, mom, I did. Maybe if you bought Wonder Bread, my legs would be longer and I could have made it to dad in time, but you didn’t, so I didn’t.
By the time I reached dad he was head down inside the quince bush next to the ladder (he only did a 180 this time) with his legs scissoring to and fro like mad. I didn’t dare laugh…but, it was pretty damned funny.
