Just lookin for a laugh… 
Sorry, I don’t know mine off the top of my head…I’ll think about it tho!
I know a lot of funny things that happened years ago, things my friends told me about, or things I witnessed first-hand.
This is the only one I can think of right off hand though (kinda tired right now).
This was in 8th grade math class. My buddy wasn’t a very good student and the teacher was a real ogre. Well the teacher was standing over my buddy’s desk yelling at him, the teacher had a bad habit of spitting a bit while he talked. Anyway, some spittle landed on my buddy’s desk, my buddy wiped it away with the back of his hand while he looked discussed at the teacher and said, “What’s this shit?”. LOL. He got expelled for that one. 
Incident involving someone’s butt
The Jehovah’s Witness story everyone’s got to be getting sick of by now
From the things I’ve seen around here, Wang-Ka is a tough act to follow, but I’ll try.
I think I was about 14 or 15 at the time of the ‘incident’, though it may have been even earlier in my life. My mother was driving me to some-place-or-another… the ultimate destination of that particular trip lost to the mists of time and memory.
We lived in a very very rural area, so it was not unusual to see animals of various sorts on and about the roadway, which at 1.9 lanes, was barely deserving of the title at all.
So there we were, my mind wandering off in the way it typically did when I was riding along to somewhere, not really paying attention… Mom takes the care around a curve… and there in front of us is the Duck.
Mom hits the brakes. They tell you that you should just hit an animal rather than cause an accident, but one’s first instinct is something like “OhmygodI’mgonnakillthecutelittleanimal!”, followed by “Ohmygodit’llmessupmycar!”, typically. Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, she brings the car to an abrupt halt, but not quite abrupt enough. The sound, I believe, was ‘Clunk!’
I blink, shocked out of my travel-induced reverie by the sudden cessation of motion. Mom, always a bit high-strung, emits not-quite-a-scream, but-it’ll-do. She begins to go forward again, to get away from the scene of the accident, and to calm her nerves.
Clunk!
Now she’s in hysterics. Panicking, thinking that her going forward may bring more harm to the defenseless little bird, she throws the vehicle into reverse, and backs up.
Clunk!
That was just too much for her, so she just stopped and refused to move the car while she regained her composure. I, for my part, was chuckling already, at the almost farcical absurdity of the repeating clunk.
Then I collapsed completely with laughter as the Duck, somewhat dazed and worse for wear, but otherwise intact, waddled out from under the car and made his way back to the creek. Mom… wasn’t amused.
Nor does she appreciate the fact that I repeat the story any chance I get.
This is a True Story. Please considered it copyright Me, and don’t reproduce without permission, and all that jazz.
AWESOME!! I’m quite dissapointed in myself, I can’t really think of much. I know there’s something!
Most of what I think of is either an inside joke, or I was really high at the time, and they just probly aren’t as funny to ya’ll.
But. Little favorites keep coming to mind. My dog. When she sticks her head out the window, her lips flaaaap in the wind. And I mean, they go in like, perfectly undulating waves. I get absolutely hysterical every time I see it. Then she actually gets self conscious and pulls her head back in. Poor girl.
The part in Fear and Loathing where Dr. Gonzo is trying to get off the merry go round always kills me. I can’t help it.
The funniest t-shirt I’ve ever seen: A friend of mine prints them. It’s got this typical retarded looking picture of George Bush on it, and it says, “Stop Mad Cowboy Disease”. Not sure if he came up w/ it himself, but I think it’s brilliant.
Not My Desk. The funniest website on earth, ever. Go to his essays and read any archived one. I printed them all out ( at work ), and there was so much, that I felt guilty and paid them for all the paper.
That Goverment Warning Sign forward. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? I don’t know how I could show ya’ll. If there’s a way, I would love to share it!
And this:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=241684&highlight=flouride
That’s what brought me back to this message board.
My dad.* So* many things. It’s funny now, but at the time I was mortified. Back when it was NOT cool to have him w/ me anywhere, especially the mall, he would follow me, and would then proceed to curl his arm up, drag a leg, and lurch behind me yelling my name in the true handicapped dialect, begging for me to wait for him. Oh my god. Priceless.
Wang, I gotta tell you that your propensity to blow your own horn, and post links to your old OP’s at every opportunity, doesn’t portray you in a very good light. You even re-posted an old OP in its entirety the other day.
If your stuff is as funny as you think it is, and I think some of it is brilliant, then you’d come across much better if you let other people reference it for you, instead of doing it yourself.
Here’s an example: what if Cervaise went around reposting his ‘telemarketers’ thread every chance he got? This OP is widely considered the funniest ever. It pops up every now and then as someone new discovers it. And then everybody says damn that was a funny OP and all that. Let your stuff gain posterity for its own sake.
I hope you can take this advice in the spirit it was given.
Funny t-shirts:
(On the front of the t-shirt)
Arrow pointing up caption: The Man
Arrow pointing down caption: The Legend
This one always made me laugh. It had a little yellow smiley face on it, but the face had a frown. Under the face was a caption in very small print that you could read only if you were standing right next to the person, it said Fuck You.
My buddy had this t-shirt, he wore it for an entire 6 hours road trip once. The caption was: My girlfriend can’t wrestle but you should see her box.
And the classic: I’m home, take me drunk.
Once, when I was 4 and my brother was 8, my parents took us both to Washington (my father had a meeting there). My father had left from the hotel with a colleague in that person’s car earlier in the morning. My mother was supposed to sight-see with ‘the boys’ and then pick him up at 6PM.
Now, the problem was, my mother wasn’t a good driver, and she certainly didn’t know Washington. As such, we were hopelessly lost at 5:30, trying to find ‘K’ Street. According to my brother, its at this point that she spies a Colonel, in full dress uniform with more medals on his chest than Patton, turning a corner and walking up a side street. Mom, God Bless her, turns right to follow him…and driving the Wrong Way down a One Way Street, rolls down her window and calls out to the Colonel :
“Officer! Officer! Do you know the way to ‘K’ Street?”
I have to say, the look on that man’s face was Priceless…
(…and Yes, he gave her directions!!!)
Not the funniest I can recall, but definitely an honorable mention.
Guy on a Harley, running down the highway, back of his T-shirt reads “Honk if you’ve never heard a 9mm fired from a moving Harley before”
I was at a party in tenth grade and the girl who was throwing it was very rich and had a huge nice house. Anyway almost everyone was either in the backyard or on the back porch that was actually level with the second floor but had stairs down to the ground, anyway me being a retard I got on the wooden railing thing that went around the porch and started walking on it…Keep in mind that it was very dark outside…So I am walking along and suddenly my foot falls on air, and I plummet about 6 or 7 feet to the ground, what’s that you say what did I fall on?, I fell on a pile of broken bricks and cinder blocks… now we get to the good part have you ever seen a movie where they make the sound of a record skipping and everyone looks in that direction…I swear I heard that record skipping ladies and gentleman and everyone at the party stopped what they were doing and looked at me and started laughing, and then I started lauging too
My favorite license plate frame:
I go where I’m towed
Tooo friggin cute.
My sister’s roommate was driving through an animal park somewhere in Florida one summer. She was there on vacation with her mother. Actually, she was the passenger, her mother was driving. They were in the area of the safari park that had the “gentle” animals. Ya know, the grass eaters and such, so they were allowed to have their windows open.
Imagine their glee as a curious Giraffe ambled over to the car. To see such a graceful animal up close was truly a treat. But it got better! The Giraffe was a curious one, and it adjusted itself a little, widened it’s stance, and put it’s head down near Amy’s window. Amy was thrilled! She began petting it and speaking soothingly to it. The giraffe, now comfortable with the interlopers, became even braver, sticking it’s ENTIRE head inside the car! Now Amy’s mother was able to gleefully pet the creatures head as well!
The giraffe, with it’s head now all the way over to the driver’s side of the car, seemed to awkwardly stiffen. Without much of a notice, it began to quickly withdrawal itself from the vehicle. Amy and her mother’s emotions went from awe and remorse, to horror as the Giraffe’s head came flying back inside the vehicle, then flying back out. It took them only an instant to realize that they had just witnessed a giraffe sneeze. What took longer to realize, was that the warm moist ooze now covering the inside of the car and themselves was giraffe boogers. Yep. That’s right. Twelve feet of neck’s worth of phlegm and mucous had shot out of the giraffe, and judging from the description, the Giraffe had been suffering from a monster cold. It now covered nearly every nook and cranny of the interior of the K car.
Luckily, their hotel was less than an hour away, so they were able to escape the safari park and go back to shower. And that they did. They did just what everyone else would do and set their priorities. They would clean themselves of first, shower, etc, then tackle the car.
Did I mention that this was in Florida? Did I mention that this was the summer?
They put off cleaning the car even longer, they decided some leisure time near the pool should be had before they tackled it. The wall of stench hit them when they finally opened the car door. The giraffe phlegm had cooked in the hot Florida sun for nearly 2 hours. After much vomiting and breath holding, they managed to do an admirable job of cleaning it out. They left the widows open all night, checked in the morning and found only a faint remnant of the stench that had so brutally attacked them the day before.
Then came the hot Florida sun.
They ended up bringing it to a dealer, and spending somewhere near 100 bucks to get it cleaned and detailed. This was no mere rental car, this was their very own vehicle, and it was going to take them back to Virginia at vacation’s end. They popped their heads in, and smiled at the fresh scent of the Dealer’s finest solvents and cleansers.
Then came the hot Florida sun.
The rest of the vacation was spent by the pool. Or the far corner of the parking lot with windows open. Depending on whether you were a person or a car. The two day drive home was done entirely with all the windows open and the AC cranked. The car was lightly used after that, and was in fact sold the next winter. The kicker to this story is, that to this day, Amy can’t stand mayonnaise. The mere thought of it repulses her.
This works GREAT :rolleyes:
For what it’s worth, essvee, I came into this thread specifically to link to Wang-ka’s page. I see your point, and I suppose some people really will think “oh there he goes again with the same stories.”
But he posted only links to previous posts, and made it clear that they were previous posts, rather than actually reposting the stories. I think the worst thing one could accuse him of would be a lack of proper Victorian diffidence. (And one can hardly expect a shy and retiring modesty from someone who chases Jehovah’s Witnesses off his property half naked while waving a sword.)
Funniest thing I ever said:
First, some backstory. When Mrs. HeyHomie and I first got married, I had this annoying habit, while driving, of harshly swerving the car when Mrs. HeyHomie was least expecting it, usually causing her to gasp and sometimes causing her to bonk her head on the window (I’ve since stopped doing this). Every time I did it I would say “deer.” She never thought it was funny.
Then one day we’re driving along and the truck in front of us unexpectedly swerves harshly to the left. Mrs. HeyHomie looked at me, dumbstruck. All I could think of to say was, “He must have seen a deer.”
Hilarious.
Two funny cop stories. My dad was a cop and told me one, and then a friend of mine’s cousin was involved in the other. They are both true stories.
-
Two cops are taking a guy they have picked up to jail. This was a long time ago, and between the front and back seats of the cop car there isn’t glass or plastic, just a metal grate type thing. The prisoner has his hands cuffed behind his back, but no seat belt or anything on (do they even have those in cop cars?) So, the prisoner leans forward and is cussing at the cops, and spitting on them, and just generally being an ass. The driver looks at the other cop. “You got your seat belt on?” “Yeah, why” “Hold on.” Then the driver shouts “DEER!!!” and slams the breaks. They said when they got to the jail, the prisoners face looked like hamburger.
-
Two cops are driving around one friday night, and they come across a car parked in the road. Further investigation finds the driver passed out drunk. So, one cop looks at the other and says, “lemme take care of this. When I wave my hand, turn your lights on.” The cop goes up to the car, waves his hand, and starts running in place, and banging on the glass. The guy starts to wake up. “PULL OVER!” The cop shouts, “PULL OVER!”, and bangs on the glass, still running in place. And the poor drunk wakes up and tries to stop his already parked car. Oooh, that made me laugh just typing it.
5 Minute Voyager. Especially funny for a Star Trek fan like me.
And I want to second Wang-Ka’s stories- some of the funniest things I’ve ever read!
Some years back, some friends and I were at a rock-climbing centre, doing you guessed it- rock climbing. Anyhoo, we each assigned ourselves a partner based on mutual skill level/rock climbing experience.
This resulted in me, strong and lanky as hell, being coupled with a rugby-playing nerd (that’s not a typo, he was beefy but also studied heaps) who thought he was pretty hot stuff. I had not been rock-climbing in ages and he neither.
After a bit of good natured ribbing of each other, each saying how we were going to climb the other’s arse off, we agreed to forgo the kiddy walls and gentle slopes and tackle the (almost) vertical one straight off.
I went first, and after conquering the inward sloping section of the wall, paused at the beginning of the vertical section. At this point my friend calls from below, “You’re the MAN!” I turn around to give him the thumbs up, and am immediately awestruck at how much higher 4 or 5 metres seems when you’re actually up there. To tell the truth I felt nervous as hell, and developed a bit of a shake. I turn my attentions, and eyes, back toward the wall and begin to climb, repeating to myself, “You’re not gunna fall”. After what seems like an age, I reach the top, smack the wall and get lowered back down to the safe ground. Damn that feels good.
Now it is his turn and he swaggers up to the wall, clips on his caribeener and is off. After a couple of effortless metres, he stands up straight, extends his arms and calls, “Look Ma, no hands!”
“Me too!” call I, pretending to let go of the belay rope. He turns around to see if I actually did and immediately exclaims, “OH SHIT!!”
“I didn’t really” I call out, showing the rope in my hands. “SHIT!” he exclaims again, and pulls himself close to the wall.
“Stop taking the piss” I laugh. “Once you get a bit higher you might really get scared.”
“I’m scared now!” he snaps, before turning his head back toward the wall. “You should have told me how high I was”. I wander over to the wall and stand beneath him. I could reach him from the ground. “You’re seriously not that high up” I tell him, “You could probably jump from there and not get hurt.”
“Shut up man, don’t even joke about it!” he bellows. “Now help me climb down.” I grab his foot and go to place it on a rock, and he kicks my hand away. “What’re you trying to do, kill me??!?”
I’m getting kinda pissed off now, and say “Look, there’s obviously only one way that I’m going to get you down.” I walk over to him, reach up and pull down his pants. Whoops!! Got his boxers too!
He turns his head with the most pissed off expression imaginable, and it is suddenly too much. The sight of a big, seething guy with a bright red harness around his torso (I opted for the G-string version) and a bare arse clinging to a wall so close to the ground sends me into hysterics. At this point he begins yelling what a bastard I am and how he’s going to kill me when he gets down.
I am by now helpless with laughter on the ground. A friend looks into the room and also starts whooping with laughter.
Enter the female manager.
My very beautiful and dignified cat Jake running down an icy driveway and spinning into the garage door. Wham! He then gives me the most pissed off look imaginable and walks away like he meant to do it. I giggled for a week about that.
I posted this once before but it’s worth repeating. My wife and I went camping with my brother and his wife. A weekend away with no kids for neither of us. About 10:30 that night we decided to hit the sack. My wife and I went to the restroom and on the way back we came across a gift left by someone’s dog. I found a plastic bag in a trash can and picked up the mess, it was right in the middle of a trail and for sure someone would step in it. My wife and I returned to our camping area and my brother and his wife left to use the facilities. Then an evil idea hit me. I went back to the trash can and retrieved said bag of doggy droppings and put a little on a popsicle stick. I then hid the stick behind a box in my brother’s and SIL’s tent. My wife and I climbed into our tent and zipped into our sleeping bags. 10 minutes later they return and go into their tent.
A few minutes later I hear my SIL: “Gary, did you fart?”
Gary: “No.”
A minute later. “Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t.”
SIL: “Yes you did. What did you do shit yourself? It stinks in here.”
By now I have my face buried in my pillow so they won’t hear me laughing. My wife has a serious case of the giggles.
I then hear their tent unzip. SIL: “Where are you going?”
Gary: One of us stepped in something, I’m putting our shoes outside."
I hear the tent zip close. 30 seconds later. “Gary, it still stinks in here. Are you sure you didn’t fart?”
Gary: “It must be you, it’s not me.”
SIL: “How dare you say that. You know my farts don’t stink.”
The cheeks hurt. Tears were pouring. And that was my wife. I was in worse shape. I hear their tent unzip and both of them scrambling out. SIL: “Let’s go to the bathroom, one of us must have something on us.” They go off to the restroom and I go to their tent and remove the popsicle stick. They returned shortly thereafter and everyone went to sleep. I still haven’t told my brother what I did, he would probably kill me if I told him.