What's the funniest thing you've EVER seen/heard/done?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. It happened over 10 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I was listening to the local radio station while I was at work, and the DJ was doing a remote broadcast from some sort of fair. He was occasionally interviewing little kids, asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Following is the conversation that nearly had me wetting my pants:

DJ: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Girl: Ummm…I wanna be aaaaaaa…a HORSE!!
DJ: [totally deadpan] So, you’ll be taking a liberal arts major in college then?

I’m serious…I had to sit down, I was laughing so hard. Hell, I’m cracking up right now, just remembering it. :smiley:

22

Halloween, 2002

I was walking home from work along a fairly busy street that is the border between Chicago and Evanston. There is ample evidence of eggings on the street and shop windows so I am a bit more situationally aware than usual, I remember being in a bit of a bad mood and thinking to myself “nobody better try any egging crap with me tonight”

I am crossing a street approcahing the other side where there is a bus stop. Several women are standing waiting for the bus. They are pretty obviously tired and on their way home from a hard days work; shoulders slumped, a bit of small talk, etc.

Around the corner comes running a pack of 8-10 boys in their early teens, shaving cream and eggs in hand. The womens’ heads perk up at their calls, and one of the kids stops, takes an egg, and hurls it at a womans head from about 20 feet away.

I’m in the middle of the intersection so I got a perfect view of this. I’m telling you now, if I had a video camera I would have been 10 Grand richer from AFV!

…The woman reaches up, plucks the egg out of the air like she was Kerry Freakin’ Wood intercepting a line drive over the mound, and in the same movement, whips it right back at the kid, catching him right in the side of the head!

I was crying with laughter, the women were high fiving her, the kids were on. the. ground. laughing at him, the kid was almost in tears from embarrassment…it was a scene like no other.

The woman walks over to the kid and goes into this Jerry Springer Mom on a Vengeance thing with the kid, she grabs him by the ear and starts berating him in front of his friends, I mean she was like a female Jesse Jackson full of Divine Wrath, I was in awe.

But it was Halloween and I had to get to the kids to take them trick or treating so I missed the ending.

23

It’s all in the reflexes. :wink:

Maybe it was Jack Burton’s mom.

24

I was working at Layaway in perhaps the least busy time of the year in the most deserted Meijer in the world (Meijer, in case you didn’t know, dwarfs just about any super-Wal-Mart or super-anything else). I was studying my Calculus homework and drawing curves. I had been uninterrupted the entire night, and I felt like the last person on earth.

Then I heard the announcement over the loudspeakers:

“Attention Meijer guests! Everything in the store is now FREEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

I almost fell of my stool laughing. Very soon afterwards the most pissy voice you have ever heard said “Disregard last page.”

No one got fired for that. Wonder if they ever caught the guy.

25

“The Guru” with Marisa Tomei was funny.

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” was funny.

Chevy Chase has always made my sides split. Judy Tenuta. Ellen DeGeneres is truly hilarious, and I’m not just saying that because she’s a lesbian (and I loved her voice in “Finding Nemo”). If you remember the Fox comedy/variety show, “The Edge”, which launched Jim Carrey’s career as well as the Wayan brothers, that was a hilarious show. SCTV, too.

Actually, it’s funny how they say that people who do comedy are actually deeply unhappy, or were as children.

26

Hey, it’s not easy having an ego like mine to keep fed. :smiley:

As to the reposting of the old post… man, I do NOT like Jehovah’s Witnesses. What can I say?

I did take the advice in the manner in which it was plainly intended, though… i.e., “criticism” instead of “insult.”

And I have already begun thinking of this thread as “The Horror Of Giraffes…” (where’s a retching motie when you really need one?)

27

This is one from the “We can look back on it and laugh” files.
One of my close friends has had a quite unpleasant life in many ways. One evening, she was having really severe flashbacks to a time when she was sexually molested by her uncle. I was trying to be a cheery and supportive friend, without much success. We had recently seen South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, so I started talking about how we had been promised punch and pie, which caused her to actually start laughing. Giddy with my own success, I quickly racked my brain for another South Park quote, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was… “No one fucks uncles quite like you”.
Amazingly, she’s still my friend.

28

I was at work a couple of weeks ago, ringing people who were long term supporters of our charity to tell them about a new campaign (and thereby asking them to donate more $ of course… :smiley: )

Ringing Mrs. Jane Smith in outback New South Wales, a bloke answered the phone.

kam: “Hi, it’s kambuckta here from XXX, could I please speak to Jane?”

Bloke: “Nah, she’s not 'ome”.

kam: “Oh, OK, I’ll…”

Bloke: “She’s out doing lunch with the girls.”

kam: “No worries, that’s fine, I’ll ring her back later”.

Bloke: “I wouldn’t bother if I was you luv”

kam: “Huh?”

Bloke: “She’ll need a ventilator by the time she gets home”.

Just one of those little gems that keep me sane in an otherwise insane job.

:smiley:

29

I can only imagine that this was the coolest thing you have ever seen! Man, that had to look awesome.

30

A friend of mine got arrested once and they gave him his one phone call. He ordered a pizza.

31

I was one of five people crammed in a little car on the freeway this morning. A carpool lane starts and the driver asks us whether she should get in it and we all figure that she shouldn’t because the traffic’s moving quickly. So the opening in the carpool lane ends and now there’s a double yellow line between it and our lane. Suddenly, the traffic just stopsand we’re driving ten miles an hour, eying the empty traffic lane next to us.

Passenger: Just go over to the carpool lane
Driver: It’s a double yellow line. I’ll get a ticket
P: sure you can, no one will see.
d. yes they will
p: no they won’t
d: yes they will.
p: NO THEY WON’T. I SWEAR ON MY LIFE NO ONE WILL SEE!

right then a cop car sped right past in the carpool lane.

32

I knew a guy that was an exhibitionist. On St. Pat’s day he walked into the bar wearing nothing but cowboy boots, and his dick dyed green.

33

Funniest thing I ever saw? Easy.

My Dad’s side of the family is Greek Orthodox, so every year for Greek Easter my Uncle Ernie had a family get together complete with the cooking of a whole lamb over an open spit. All told, maybe about 70 people. Greek Easter usually takes place a week after Easter as most people know it, so it’s about mid April at this time. Slightly brisk, but not uncomfortably cold for Westchester County, NY.

Uncle Ernie had a beautiful German Shepherd named Athena. One of the sweetest dogs ever. She would run around and play, be affectionate, be an attention whore… just a sweet dog. Athena was a (fixed) girl dog.

This particular year, one of the other relatives brought over her dog… one of those annoying yap-yap-yap poodles the size of a football The first instinct I had was “Punt!” The poodle was a boy dog.

The lamb was done cooking, about 70 people sat down at picnic tables to enjoy the Easter feast, and a rather noticeable whimper comes up over by the spit.

Apparently, Athena laid down by the butcher table waiting for scraps. While she was there, Mr. Football-On-Legs decides he’s going to get some. So in the middle of a family holiday party, we are treated to the sight of a Poodle trying to fuck a German Shepherd. His little paws on her rump, his little head just barely clearing her back, and pumping for all he was worth.

After about two minutes of this, Athena decides she’s had enough. She turned her head back and made a low growl at her paramour.

That Poodle made a land speed record for the 100 yard dash. In the complete opposite direction he was facing half a second before. Into the woods. Took his owner almost 2 hours to get him to come out.

The entire time Mr. F.O.L. was in the woods, Athena went about her normal life. She got an extra helping of scraps (and not so-scraps) from me that day.

34

Well, after reading all these I decided not to post mine, since it paled by comparison. But I have never repeated this to anyone and it still makes me smile.

Background: I have always been shy and never speak in groups or to people that I do not know.

During summer vacation while in Grade school (grade 1-5) there was an auction at my school in the auditorium. I remember no other details. Me, my best friend and his Dad where there. They were selling some no to interesting items. They sold a really pathetic looking plant with no leaves. Then MC brings out another plant that had leaves and did not look so pathetic. He said that he thinks that this is the same kind of plant as the last one. I yelled “No, that ones alive”. Well, Everyone (except the MC) just cracked-up do. Including my friends father.

This was my moment of fame.

Does this rate?

35

Background info: Kids around here are mostly horrible, vile creatures deserving of no less than hatred - insulting at random, spitting on people, swearing, vandalising and just generally being out of control.

Story: I had a boyfriend once, Robert, who had a mohawk, and as we and a group of friends were walking down the street (we would have been about 16), a little girl of maybe 8 to 10 years old drives by on a bike.

She stares at my mohawked boyfriend, turning her head completely around (but not in an Exorcist way) to look at us, and we glare back because apparently this adorable little creature hasn’t yet learned that it’s rude to stare.

Then, as she’s gaping and not watching where she’s going, she crashes directly into a telephone pole and falls over. :smiley:

My friend Theresa cracks up loudly, and it gets to the point where she can no longer talk. The rest of us are just dumbfounded and also can’t talk, because we’re still unsure as to whether that had actually happened.

“Theresa!” says my always considerate friend Lisa, to admonish her for laughing.

Theresa: “What? It was funny!” … and continues laughing.

Lisa says to the girl, “Are you okay?”

The girl picks herself and her bike up, dusts off, and yet still has venom in her after her embarrassing moment - no lessons learned for her! She sneers at Robert and says sarcastically: “Niiiice haaair.”

Then my other friend Brent looks at her and matter-of-factly says, “You just ran into a pole.” This sets us off into gales of laughter. As we all crack up, our inhibitions loosened by the pointless hatred spewed at us from this random kid, she gets back on her bike and drives away.

36

If I knew how to post I would. “Wally M7 and a small furry pet”
Miss you Wally

37

My friend and I were drinking at his house one night. thier family dog, Benji (girl dog) was in heat and had to be kept in. She got out. So my friend’s teenage sister went out looking for her.
My buddy and I were still drinking when Benji was brought in by dad. Sister came home later and was overjoyed to see her. So she goes up and start petting Benji and saying:
“Ohhhh where were you Benji, I was so worried…Benji, whats this all over your back?”
Friend and I look at each other.
Sister sceeeeeems!:
“AAAAAAAHHHHH! BENJI! THERE’S DOG-CUM ALL OVER YOU!”
Oh man, we laughed so hard I thought we would die. We couldn’t even drink any more.
Oh, also, I had a T-shirt that said:Smile if you’re not wearing panties

38

I worked in a mall for a while. Still go back there every once in a while to people watch. Around last November, I’m watching, and I see this grandfather walking with his grandson, who is maybe five or six years old. Kid sees something interresting and begins to run. Grandpa says, “Wait, <name of kid>, don’t run, don’t run.” The kid slows down and looks at grandpa who catches up to him. Grandpa says, “If you run, you’ll slip and hurt yourself.”
Just at that moment, another five-year-old comes tearing by at full speed, trips on a shoelace or something, and faceplants right in front of grandpa and kid. There’s a half-second pause, and grandpa says, “…Just Like that.”

I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard. Especially since the grandson looked up at grandpa like he must have been the wisest man in the world at that point.

39

I don’t get this. And I’m from the same country and everything. What’s going on there?

40

Heh. I’m gonna take exception to the “unpleasent life in many ways” statement. It really hasn’t been unpleasent overall. Just certain sections. Mostly, it’s quite a gas.

Anyway, that incident was funny then, and it’s funny now. At least to you and I. Other people I tell that story to react in horror.