Heh, reading this thread inspired me to buy a copy for my wife and another for a good friend of mine, and a copy of the kiddie version for my wife, myself, and the little one.
Now it had better be good. Or I’ll be the one stalking each and every one of you, with a dangerous vibe. 
This is a very good point. We own a rental property…but Ivylad refused to go pick up the rent check when we rented to a single woman. He wanted me to do it or me to go with him. He said he didn’t want to be the victim of a false accusation, but I think part of it is his innate sense that a woman might feel vulnerable in that situation, so he doesn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.
How did you guys feel about de Becker’s take on restraining orders? Basically, for those who haven’t read the book, he believes they are useful in only one situation…where you have what he called a Clueless Stalker. This is someone who generally didn’t know when he was crossing the line, and needed a legal slap upside the head to get the hint. Most times, de Becker says, it escalates the situation into more violence.
Do restraining orders ever truly work, when the man is bound and determined to hurt his wife/girlfriend?
Will definitely pick this one up. Is there anything about people who don’t have the greatest instincts and don’t pick up on obvious creepy signs? Also, anything about dealing with co-workers or family members, or really anyone who doesn’t seem to be anything but charming?
de Becker outlines some very specific things to look for. I think you will find it useful.
Regarding restraining orders, I thought his arguments made quite a lot of sense, although I couldn’t help but worry that some women would be discouraged from seeking a restraining order when one might actually help. I don’t know. The problem is such a thorny one – if your stalker truly intends to do you harm and doesn’t care what it costs him to do it, a restraining order is no protection at all, obviously. But then again, if he’s at that point, I don’t see that a restraining order is going to make the situation worse, either. And in any case, if you’re in a situation in which you have to weigh how seriously somebody is about harming you, it’s gonna be hard to be rational about it.
Re: Catfight’s questions: yes. He has chapters dealing with workplace violence, domestic partner violence, and what to watch out for when you encounter ‘charming’ individuals.
WRT restraining orders: I think his objective was to challenge the automatic “get a restraining order” advice that women usually receive in such situations. Instead, the parties should be saying “is this a case where a restraining order would be useful?”
Shodan–you said what I couldn’t put into words–thanks.
I think de Becker’s point was that sometimes it DOES make the situation worse, because it pushes the stalker over the edge and makes him feel he doesn’t have any alternatives left.
I just borrowed this from the library and finished it this afternoon. Fascinating read.
Every weekday morning at 5:30 I park my motorcycle at a parking lot and walk just under a mile to work. Every weekday morning I cross paths with a mid-30s woman jogging at a slow pace coming the opposite way down the street. Every goddamn weekday morning she crosses to the other side of the street to avoid me but still I say good morning and give her a big smile, only to be completely snubbed and treated like I don’t even exist. I think of myself as pretty good looking: well groomed, straight teeth, no limp, no eye patches, BUT I do wear a trench coat or overcoat of some kind nearly every day of the year(into work). I’ve gone a whole year without attempting to rape, strangle, or skin her and still she just gives me a look like I’m some sort of creepo looking for a 5 year stay under care of the state. I’ll write it off as her being a bitch since she could choose a different route to jog in the mornings but it does kind of sadden me in a way.
I’m going to read the book and I think I’ll just start crossing the street when I see HER and give HER a creeped out look while clutching my bag.
Our lost/separated speech goes like this-
If you find yourself lost or you can’t see Mommy/Daddy/Adult You Came With, look for the following, in order-
A person who works there, with a name badge. Every big place we go (amusement parks, museums, etc), I introduce them to any staff member at the beginning of the day and show them their ID badge or name badge.
A mommy with kids or a stroller. Bad People are almost never pushing strollers.
A policeman (when was the last time you saw one, seriously?).
I saw one today on a horsie!
I’m sure you think you’re very droll and clever. You’re not.
Don’t make some other person’s life more difficult than it has to be just so you can get some chuckles. That’s what assholes do.
I spent several years working at a battered women’s shelter, and I never saw a case where a restraining order helped. However, at least in DV, it is a necessary hoop for women to jump through to try to get the legal system to take them seriously. I hated them. Women would know, in advance, that getting a restraining order was going to send their batterer over the edge, but if they didn’t get one, the police would do nothing for them. “It’s a one time thing, give him a break, it’s not that bad, you don’t have a restraining order.” Of course there’s also the mirror image, “Oh, it’s not that bad, you just decided to get back at him for forgetting your birthday, cried for the judge and got a restraining order. We all know you don’t really mean it, so drop the act.”
Note - not all police officers acted like this, but there was a significant minority who did.
When I take my daughter out, I find personnel and have her play act. I tell the staff person that we’re practicing what to do if she gets lost, and point out the uniform and name badge. The Punkylet then says, “Excuse me please, I’ve lost my mommy. This is her cell phone number. Can you please call her for me?”
This summer, she got separated from me at the state fair. While I was still rushing around in a panic, thinking that she must be just the other side of that clump of people, my cell phone rang. It was a state fair worker, who had The Punkylet at the information stand at the end of the block. I bought her as much ice cream as she could eat for remembering what to do.
Excellent work for the little one! You taught her very well!
I thought all police officers were sympathetic to battered women. I’m saddened that some aren’t. How did you deal with them?