The good news: I’m going to the UK the day after Memorial Day!
The bad news: I’m only going for 4 days, two of which will be travel days
The good news: I just got invited to a Sox game!
The bad news: I can’t go; I already have plans that night
What’s your good news/bad news?
Doctor says to patient, “I have good news and bad news”.
Patient says, “Give me the bad news first”.
Doctor replies, “I have to amputate both of your legs at the knees”.
Patient: “WOW! That is really bad news! Please tell me the good news”.
Doctor: “The guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes!”
Good News: It quit snowing a few hours ago
Bad News: It’s May 3 in Kansas City. Why the hell did it snow in the first place?
Good news: I’m having the back deck painted for about $400.
Bad news: The bit of rotted wood the painter found has turned into a $3,000 remediation of the back porch because of water damage. 
A guy goes into a doctor’s office, and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news, and some more bad news.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“The bad news is…you’ve got cancer.”
“And the other bad news?”
“The other bad news is, you’ve got Alzheimer’s Disease.”
“Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”
The good news: My auto insurance premium went down $10 a month.
The bad news: My home owners insurance went UP $12 a month.
Both from the same company. :smack:
Good News: I’m flying to AL this weekend to visit my new baby niece!
Bad News: I woke up this morning with an awesome cold/sinus infection.
The Good News: They’re naming a disease after you.
Sir, I’ve got good news and bad news about your missing wife. The bad news is that we found her in about three feet of water and when we pulled her up she was covered with crabs, mussels and crayfish.
God, that’s awful; so what’s the good news?
We’re pulling her back up again at 4:30.
Good News: I’m getting married in July!
Bad News: My workplace may shut down at the same time…
Nope, nostress, not at all, no siree, I’m cool… :):(:):(:)
The bad news is that there is no good news.
The good news is that I’m not gonna tell you the bad news!
Good news: I finally got a job! I’ll be working in a call center 15 minutes from my house.
Bad news: Woke up with a sore throat on the first day. Two days later it’s a full-blown sinus infection. I got sent home after one hour on Friday and was not called back in today.
::hijack:: my first day on my new job a couple decades back, my car stalled for about 10 minutes but finally started on its own. When I walked in a couple minutes late, I apologized and they said “no problem, we were just worried that you wouldn’t show up at all!” cause it was one of those fast turnover jobs.
GN: In January I received a $14 increase in my disability.
BN: In July I get a $14 increase in my rent.
Worse news: it’s now up to $4,000, and I’ll probably have to get the gutters replaced.
A friend of my mother’s says she’s very glad she’s in good health, because “it must be horrible to lose your mind!” She also says she doesn’t understand why her children insist in sleeping at her house so often, although she can never remember whether any of them did the previous night. Or the one before, or… Yeah.
The good news: I just received an ad for a job in New Zealand which sounds enormously interesting.
The bad news: I’ve got a job until January, that one would start a lot sooner. Dangit.
The good news: I got a text asking me if I want a job.
The bad news: It’s from a former boss who drinks too much, is too erratic, and once our paychecks bounced because the IRS had seized his accounts.
Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news,
Patient: What’s the good news?
Doctor: You’ve got 24 hours to live.
Patient: My God! What’s the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
I was looking for something I’d lost.
Bad news: I didn’t find it.
Good news: I found bubblewrap.