Ya know, everybody’s family is different. It’s totally plausable that in some of your families out there, not getting a gift from your parents is no big deal - it’s about kids, and thats it, and that’s perfectly fine.
However, I know that in my family I would be terribly hurt if my mother anounced that she wasn’t going to get me anything. That’s just not the way things are done in my family. Furthermore, despite saying that she want’s NOTHING mom would be very hurt if I didn’t scour the shops and e-bay and pretty well every frikin’ shopping place in the world to find her something that she’ll love. That’s just the way it is and has always been. I know this because it is my family.
I certainly think it’s reasonable to give the OP the benefit of the doubt in that if she feels hurt by this, she has a valid reason to. If this is not how things are done in her family, it doesn’t matter a hill of beans how things are done in your family, and she’s fully justified in feeling hurt and left out.
Really? I guess that should make me feel like shit then. I had to cap each persons gifts this year at $25. Even with my cap, I still managed to find stuff people with absolutely love. My 2 year old cousin, for instance, is getting from me 3 books, 2 puzzles, a set of blocks (100 piece set), Elmo in Grouchland, and Curious George bubble bath. That all cost $23. He will have a fantastic holiday when you add all of that loot in with the things he is getting from his parents and other family. Some people are getting a bottle of wine, my brother got clothes, etc. I got everyone something that they will enjoy and they know that since I am 24 I don’t have the disposable income of some of the older family members. To say that her parents couldn’t have cut back a little bit and done some bargain shopping so that everyone could have something seems a bit dumb to me. Especially since she is in a position that she NEEDS things (she mentioned that she has negative money at the end of the month every month). Hell, even spending $10-$12 on a box of canned goods or $8 on a scarf since she just moved back to Oregon and it is probably cold there would be a welcome gift. She isn’t asking for an ipod or the moon, just some recognition, which is something everyone should get at the holidays. Is it really okay to ignore an adult who may not be able to pay the rent next month but spend $50 on plastic dolls and toy guns for kids who would have been happy with a $5 book or toy and a heart felt “I love you”?
Yeah, I got nephew a few things of Crayolas and a coloring book last birthday. He seemed to like dumping the crayons out all over the place, and Mommy at least *said * that he used the coloring book all day. I really don’t understand why he would have been a more gleeful 3 year old if I had bought him more expensive presents. I can see why the quantity of presents would make a difference, but you can buy plenty at Target for $20. He already has all the usual large-ticket items that the other three-year olds on the block have (train set, t-ball, kiddie pool, etc), so at this age I’d rather get him small, creative things (Christmas is a toy accordian ) Parents, genuinely, do kids in the five-and-under set really get that much more out of $50 presents?? Maybe I just don’t remember from when I was little.
DianaG, if you’re going to start trotting out the Bible, may I feel free to point out that:
Jesus actually taught that to the Israelis first. You know, before being born.
It’s “thou shan’t covet (other people’s stuff because it leads to fights)”. If we never wished for anything, we’d die of hunger, which kind of would short-circuit the Lord’s plans, would it not?
The gifts are a celebration of The Gift. While the reason for the giving should not be forgotten, dumping it altogether is a bit like saying “sorry, I can’t go to Church because I don’t like the statues” - doesn’t compute!
Yes, ergo “Jesus **was ** taught” rather than “Jesus taught”.
Yes, I’m familiar with the commandment, thanks, as well as the difference between “wishing” and “coveting”. IMO, *Aunt Flow ** is coveting the children’s gifts (which appears to be leading to some family unpleasantness, doesn’t it?).
Also, it was a joke. :rolleyes:
*Aunt Flow, for what it’s worth, I don’t blame you, not getting any Christmas gifts sucks. You asked if you’re being immature, and IMO the answer is yes, but that doesn’t make you a bad person, just human. We’ve all got an inner toddler who screams bloody murder when the candy bowl goes empty.
You feel how you feel, and it’s your family, so only you know whether you’re justified in your feelings. I’m just pointing out that I don’t think your parents are being malicious here, and also noting that you’re not the only one not getting anything. Your siblings also aren’t getting any gifts. Have any of them expressed similar unhappiness?
I don’t think anyone here actually thinks the parents are being malicious. To me, I’d say the problem comes down to two things–
The thought, or lack thereof, behind her not getting a gift from her parents, as someone mentioned upthread, even if the ultimate reasoning is logical.
Shitty timing. Between not having any friends locally and her own finances being tight, this would be a great time for her parents to get her something. It sounds like her parents realise the second part, but probably not the first one.
Frankly though, this leaves Aunt Flow in a bad spot, and there’s not really any way to avoid an awkward situation. If she somehow tries to angle for a gift it’s awkward, if she sits there on Christmas morning with nothing it’s awkward, if she avoids it by being elsewhere as someone suggested with the soup kitchen idea she gets to deal with “What’d you get for Christmas?” “Nothing” afterwards. And in all of those situations she gets to feel forgotten about. Not exactly the spirit of Christmas, is it?
So then, a gift for the kid is *exactly the same * as a gift for the parent, and she’s being persecuted for being childless? Seriously?
If Aunt Flow’s siblings are receiving gifts by proxy, then what was that argument about the adults should get gifts as well, so as not to be left out? Are the siblings being left out, or not? Please do make up your mind.
I would eat Trix, too, if I wanted to. In my life, if you want to find a way to give someone a gift, you do. It doesn’t have to be over $50, and the idea that nothing under $50 is even worth having is disgusting. It doesn’t have to be a bought thing at all. This idea that a gift has to bankrupt people is not one that I’m bringing in, for all that my side is being called immature and materialistic, and it’s not one that the OP brought in either. Make some goddamned macaroni art. Take the time. Make an effort. It’s fine when there’s an explicit agreement or in families where gift-giving hasn’t been important. It’s fine that your family likes it a different way. But it’s shitty to decide that since your (general you) children/grandchildren exist they deserve all the effort and other people deserve none.
Maybe it’s the people who think that a gift has to be expensive to be worthwhile are the people who really don’t get it. Yes, if Jimmy believes that someone has to spend a thousand dollars for it to count then he is being horrible if he expects that. But if he just would like a remembrance from someone who claims to love you, that’s called being vulnerable at a time of the year when every other asshole screams in your face that gifts are the most important thing in the world.
In my family? We rarely gift the children since they already get buried in loot by their parents. I have 5 siblings and 9 nieces and nephews. Only my mother will be buying something for everyone.
::boggle:: No, that’s what other people have been saying, presumably including you, when you said “Three for my daughter and none for me instead of two for her and one from me.” Does it not make you happy to watch your daughter open gifts?
Other posters, such as Antinor and anu-la have commented on being overlooked because they’re childless. Flow’s siblings are closer to being included than she is because their own, nuclear, families are being acknowledged. Flow has no children, so she’s chopped liver.
Aunt Flow’s married siblings (plus the kids, of course) will probably get some sort of gifts from within their own family unit, if not from their parents. So they’ll have gifts from their spouses, maybe their children. Aunt Flow will have nothing. And still be expected to feel a part of the group.
Somehow I think that this isn’t going to be a debate (Great or not) that will convince anyone to change thier mind.
I’m equally boggled. Of course it makes me happy to see my daughter open gifts. But essentially what you’re saying is that while it’s all fine and good for Aunt Flow’s siblings to be content without gifts for themselves because they take joy in the kids’ happiness, Aunt Flow is a special case. Apparently, because she *has * no kids, you feel she should be *treated * as one, incapable of taking joy in the happiness of others, and only appeased by shiny things.
There is no reason why Aunt Flow, by virtue of not having reproduced, should be treated differently from her siblings.
This is ridiculous! My SO’s elder brother just had a baby. My SO has been getting gifts every year. Not hundreds of dollars’ worth, but gifts all the same. Should he suddenly stop expecting gifts because we aren’t going to have kids? How is that going to foster love and affection amongst the family?
We’ve already had to deal with similar resentment to anu-lala’s and others because we are the unmarried couple and are made to feel it. We’ll always be second-class citizens, such is the result of our choice, and we never ever say anything to anyone but we still feel the sting and the disappointment.
Yes, I do as a matter of fact, leaving off your shiny bits comment. The fact is more than just not having kids. She doesn’t have a family of her own. No SO, nothing. I consider myself and my SO a family - if they did indeed start not giving gifts, at least I’d have him. If she has no family and no one to give her gifts, I do firmly believe she should still be a kid in the parents’ eyes.
You know all of this could be averted with a simple tact on her mother’s part. “Sweetheart, I don’t have enough money to give gifts to everyone. I still love you though. How about I take you to lunch/we go to the museum/what-have-you in the New Year?”
Rude. Holidays bring out the worst in people. Not to mention the VERY uncomfortable time of her sitting there, watching everyone else.
Is there any other situation in which you would say that it’s alright for parents to treat their unmarried adult offspring as children? If **Aunt Flow’s ** parents tried to, for instance, impose a curfew on her, or prevent her from making her own decisions, or hell, make her sit at the kid’s table for the holiday meal, I imagine you’d (rightly) say they’re treating her inappropriately.
Hmm. I think you’re taking my words far too seriously on purpose. Regardless, I am not going to argue. I never saw the point of arguing ad nauseum on the Internet - no matter what happens, we’re still going to disagree! I think the parents should give her a gift. I don’t think they should treat her like a child, but like their kid. If that makes any sense. I think the parents could be sensitive enough to realize the rudeness of Aunt Flow sitting around with no gifts to open and no kids to watch - essentially being left out of the celebrations entirely. I also think the other siblings should give her gifts.
I think this is hopeless. You apparently think that giving someone (and this includes Flow’s adult siblings, FTR) tangible evidence that you love them and thought of them and went, even a little bit, out of your way for them, is negotiable. You seem to think that there’s a scale of gift-worthiness, beyond just being worthy of a gift because one is a member of the family, whatever their age.
I won’t even get into the way you’re insulting Flow. But I will repeat, since you never acknowledged it, my assertion that it might be a good idea for Flow’s nieces and nephews to get in the habit of giving gifts.
And on preview, last I checked it was still okay to give gifts to a self-reliant person, if you like/love and care about that person. And giving a gift is not comparable to imposing a curfew. It’s not infantilizing someone the way a curfew is. It’s an expression of liking or loving someone. What is so wrong with showing someone that you care about them?
) Parents, genuinely, do kids in the five-and-under set really get that much more out of $50 presents?? Maybe I just don’t remember from when I was little.